So, I know it's been forever and anyone who may be reading probably deserves some explanations and apologies but I really can't handle that right now. I just need to rant, and I didn't wanna flood my announcements with this.

There's a lot of high emotions here and I couldn't tell you what needs to be mentioned as a trigger warning ahead of time. Just be careful, and don't read it if you're worried. I just needed to get this out there, to have an outlet I could be honest with.

I love when a school assignment inadvertently awakens deep-seated childhood trauma that you really thought you could view objectively now. But then you try to look past the blanket statement you draped over the situation and you're suddenly reliving the moment and how terrified you were and how much you hated yourself for something you didn't even do wrong. And now you're furious at everyone and everything for putting you in that situation. Especially at the adults who knew about it and didn't care enough to actually do something, anything, about what happened. Because you were 10 years old and you were drowning in overwhelming emotions and requests from adults that seemed so unfair. And how the fuck did you deserve any of it?

That makes it sound so much worse than it actually was, I know in the grand scheme it's so small and insignificant compared to what most people go through. But that one moment destroyed so much for me and my future. I lost so much trust in so many adults and it really taught me that I was meant to bottle what was wrong until it exploded. And then maybe you could tell an adult, but not usually. Usually all you could do was keep desperately trying to hide what was wrong until you could barely standing living in that situation and you needed help to get out. You were so well trained in ignoring every red flag you saw that you didn't know how to get out anymore because what even really mattered? If death threats were meant to be ignored and forgiven, did you have any right to cut them off for something that was so much less? And when they'd cut you off, what the hell did you do wrong? What did you do that was so much worse than threatening their life? It wasn't fair! You never did that! You did everything right, did everything how you were taught to. You erased everything you were to try to make them happy and somehow that still wasn't enough. But you needed so much more to cut someone else off? How was that fair? Why wasn't this fair?!

So yeah, the last couple of days have been my mind cycling through this over and over again, for the first time since the start of high school. High school was when some people finally started teaching me the way you were actually meant to be treated by friends and I've been trying so hard to remember that. But fuck, 4 years of meeting a few great people doesn't erase the many years of dozens and dozens of shitty people who always told you otherwise. And I've been missing the good ones so much recently, but my brain's forgotten to trust them and now I'm terrified they won't want me anymore and I hate it. I hate this. I don't understand why this happened to me and why everyone tells me I'm meant to let it go. It wasn't fair, and no one ever tried to help me heal it. Why in the fuck is it my job to fix it and then let it go? 

Sometimes I really hate being human. I hate it.