October, 3, 2021

I don't really know how to title this but yesterday I was feeling a bit..well..frustrated and well, tired too as well. It was a bit strange honestly..I mean, sure, I didn't really slept well and I even whined at my mom. I didn't wanted to get up to go to school..but I mean, that isn't her fault..but also, I had an essay that I had to work, it depends on three hours. 

I was able to finish on that writing, and I felt a bit numb at first for a minute. I was able to get through most of it, I had a fun time at school laughing with my friends. But as soon as I've gotten home, and started working on my math homework, I suddenly felt a bit..weird..this weird feeling in me was kicking in. The only thing I could say is, I think it was because I was tired. I felt so frustrated, and stressed as well. 

But also, I think it is because I felt a bit somewhat that the people I knew in the internet was acting a bit..well..I don't know how to say, but am a bit self conscious to say it. If I say it, I feel like that I am being selfish and I am just ungrateful. I mean, this is a place to vent my emotions, but it's also this is the internet as well. So um..yeah..the only thing I could say is.

"Sometimes there are some up and downs to everyone's moods on how they feel like, since I do know that most of the people in here are the ages of 12- either 19, most of the times. In role plays I do self insert ships for people, or they do it back for me, or either we just do a role play of character x character." "But honestly, I would say, when I would play as a character love interest for someone, I would well, try to make the mood for their character good and make them feel happy, but sometimes, when they would play as my one love interest fictional character". "I appreciate that they would at least try, but some doesn't seem to try most of the time, and would only depend on me to role play as they're love interest." "It generally makes me feel that they don't want to pay attention, and only just wants to be between them only". "The role play however doesn't seem to end, while I do most of the dialogue stuff". 

They don't seem to give their effort to play as my own love interest, but honestly what am I supposed to expect? I can't always look forward for people to do the exact same thing for me, I am too also selfish on my own as well, because I am human and so are they. But, honestly..it's kinda not fair..I do have a good school life, good friends, no getting into fights or getting abandoned, and even my parents have good support. But it's just unfair..that's all...

There are some times, that my self insert ships aren't meant to be serious, it is meant to be for fun, and to cope when I am feeling really bad and feeling tired, or stressed out as well..I used to have a person that really made me feel happy and better while they role played as my love insert. But suddenly..they've kinda changed my love interest character making them act a bit..well..a bit insensitive, it reminds me how my friend was just being so immature and rude to me, picking and calling me out names. Or either they would just ditch me not even bothering to respond, they could be busy, that's a true fact. But that the fact that they keep on doing this makes me feel like they keep on just leaving me, because they either dislike or just are annoyed of me. 

To some people. I am sorry that I am annoying and just too desperate to role play, it just gets a little lonely, I'll stop it, I promise! I'll just..we'll..I don't know, maybe Wattpad only makes me feel bad about myself, I think maybe I should just either delete this account, and even my first as well. I have wasted one year of my life being on this app, I could've have practiced my animation and even could've created an YouTube Channel, or I could've even be able to do so many more things. But this app is the reason why I am kept away from the things I am wanting to do. 

To those people who would want to tell me how much I am only complaining or how I am selfish. Feel free to make your explanations about how selfish I am, and how much you all are going through as well. 

To some people who are listening to this, thank you for listening! I appreciate it. 

In the future, I may not accept Role Play's anymore...since I think I have been having the same problems right now.,but I'm still going to keep this on track to see how worser it gets. 

Edit: Besides, I may just abandon this account or so, I don't know honestly. But I will start to do some physical actives. Like going to martial arts to let out my stress and besides, it'll be fun. I think what makes me always so bothered of is obviously because of this app I am using. I may start more of my personal life in the future, and well who knows? Maybe I will , or maybe I will not. But if it does bother me a lot, then it's probably better to delete this account and my first as well. I originally first came here to create my own stories and make fan fic's. I think I could just do that without having any friends, I think having friends just makes me feel always uncomfortable, but there are always some ups and downs. But for now, I think I'll just stick to what I've got right now, and I'll make more of my own comic series and just enjoy what I am doing, it's not like that I ALWAYS need friends, I even have in person friends, I already have plenty. And, no, I am not talking about all of your fellow followers and online friends that I have know for 4 or more months of mine. Just something that has been on my mind for a while, that's all. I am sorry if I only sounded selfish, I'll try not to anymore...