So by now most of y'all know that my mom was admitted to the ICU and put on life support 4 weeks and 1 day ago. The drs...and these are drs that have been caring for my mom for over 20 yrs...did not expect her to survive. There was a DNR order put in place 2 weeks ago today (that's a Do Not Resuscitate order)

See...my mom is terminally ill. She is in end stage renal and liver failure...like her kidneys and liver don't work at all anymore. She also has fibrosis in her lungs

We all knew we'd get to this point one day but that doesn't make it any easier

And here's the thing...last weekend she opened her eyes. My mom opened her eyes

She's still on a ventilator tho and will be for the rest of her life. However they did surgery Thursday afternoon and put a trachea in place so now the ventilator is hooked up to that. Plus it's only set to 50%...which means the other 50% breathing is her. She will be on the ventilator for the rest of her life thru the trachea due to the fibrosis in her lungs

BUT...

Yesterday she started nodding yes to answer questions or like when I'd say "I love you"...and today she is alert and mouthing words! The drs say it may take a few weeks for her to talk but after being intubated for almost a month and now having a trachea in her neck I can understand why

She also has a small feeding tube thru her mouth that goes into her stomach so she can get nutrients but they're thinking of surgically putting a more permanent feeding tube in her belly because she may not be able to eat ever again

We were also told that there's a chance she'll never leave the ICU much less the hospital. That's because she's still on 1 IV med to regulate her bp and on 24/7 dialysis...and even living in a critical care facility (which she'll have to do because of having the trachea hooked to a ventilator) she cannot be dependent on IV meds or 'round the clock dialysis. They do have her off of all sedative meds and are giving her crushed oxycodone thru the feeding tube every 4 hrs for pain control because she is always in pain (and I'm sure it's even moreso with the condition she's presently in)

And ofc the drs and nurses were like "y'all should talk about what's best for your mom and what your mom would want". Well my sister asked her 4 times if she wanted to go be with daddy (he died when we were younger) and momma shook her head no...so my sister then asked her 4 times if she wanted to keep fighting and momma nodded her head. Her nurse said "that's good enough for me"

It's hard. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever dealt with...and I've dealt with some heavy shit in my lifetime. I hate seeing my momma like this. It's horrible. She almost started crying twice today and I had to walk away cause I felt my eyes getting wet and I have to be strong and level headed right now. I can't let my emotions overcome me. But I'm left thinking what really is best for my mom. My brother wants every measure done to keep her alive. My sister wants what's best for mom. So whenever the drs decide it's time to make more decisions...whether that's 1 week or 1 month or 1 year down the road...my opinion will be the "tie breaker" so to speak.  And I hate that too

But dude...seeing her beautiful smile today and seeing her mouth "I love you" were the best belated birthday presents ever!

So I'm gonna say this...

No matter what you feel about your mom...go hug her. Right now. Go tell her you love her. Right now. Don't ever...ever...take her for granted. One day she won't be here anymore. And I really hope none of y'all ever have to go thru this with your moms