Look at the Puppy I painted in McDonalds.

Also thank you Camera for your suggestion

Episode Six: Peace on Earth, Ill Will Toward Man

Erin and Dark decide to play literal Santa Clauses for poor children. Meanwhile Wolf has a problem with the local church.

(Erin and Dark are both drinking coffees, Lion and Kronis are playing Monopoly, Lion is banker. Benny is as his table with Camera sitting next to him. Randomer is flirting with a Spanish woman, and Cheker is behind the counter of the Cheerful Check. The phone behind Wolf's counter rings and she picks it up.)

Wolf: Normandy Books, how can I help you? Hello Sister Kah. Yes Merry Christmas. Oh Sister Kah, about the Orphanage Donation, I may not be able to give you the usual amount seeing as the books store was robbed and we haven't made anything up. Am I praying for him? Sure? But back to the donation. How about some children's books? What do you mean they can't have talking animals? Oh, religious reasons? I have copies of the Bible. (Kronis runs over nearly knocking into Wolf.) God Damn it! Oh so sorry Sister Kah! Yes I'll see you later.

(Wolf hangs up and Kronis is smiling like he's the happiest person alive.)

Kronis: Is it time?

Wolf: Yeah... sure... it's in the closet behind the small box stack of Who But W.B Mason boxes.

(Kronis gives a cry of joy and runs to the back room. Dark and Erin look at Kronis.)

Erin: What is he doing?

Dark: Every Christmas an employee dressed up as Santa and reads Christmas stories for the children. There's milk and cookies. Cheker told me about it.

Erin: Sounds like fun!

Dark: Meh.

Erin: What's so boring about milk and cookies.

Dark: I just don't like Christmas.

Erin: Your a Scrooge! Just like Benny!

(Benny looks up from the table hearing his name. Camera looks at him.)

Camera: I think you did something wrong.

(Benny shrugs. Erin rolls her eyes and looks at Dark.)

Erin: I'm not being fair here... why do you hate Christmas.

Dark: It's all those unfortunate children suffering, not getting any toys.

Erin: What if we help them?

Dark: Donating to some charity isn't going to help.

Erin: What if we are the charity.

Dark: Erin. the way you put that just sounds stupid.

Erin; Fine. What if we get a bunch of toys at the Dollar Store and some books from Benny, then we sneak into their houses tonight and plant some presents.

Dark: A, that's stupid, B, We'd get caught.

Erin; Piece of cake. The internet will just start a Go Fund Me to bail us out because we were doing such an amazing deed.

(Dark thinks for a moment and stands up.)

Dark: Erin, your crazy, this is crazy, and I have nothing better to do, so let's do it!

(Erin pops up of her chair and fetches her jacket from behind the cafe counter. She tells Cheker she's going on break and the two of them exit the book store. Sampson walks in wearing a new snappy black coat and a red scarf. He walks up to Cheker smiling.)

Sampson; Cheker, guess what!

Cheker: What?

Sampson: I finished the final draft of my book.

Cheker: This is deserving of a free cup of coffee and treat from the bakery.

Sampson: Cheker.

Cheker: I'll add in a complementary cup. (She holds the cup like she's advertising something on TV. Sampson laughs.)

Sampson: I'll take the cup. But I was goin to ask you if you'd like to edit it, seeing as you have your English degree. I'd even pay you.

Cheker: Sampson, I'd love to. Now, what would you like from the (Kronis comes barreling over in a Santa Suit and nearly knocks into Sampson.) Holy- Kronis!

(Sampson slowly inches away, and Kronis pants at the cafe table.)

Kronis: Candy- Canes... I need Candy.... Canes.

(Cheker awkwardly grabs a box from underneath her counter and hands it to Kronis. He looks at it The at Erin.)

Kronis: Mint? Where's the Jolly Rancher ones?

(Cheker grabs another box which Kronis gratefully takes, then he looks at Sampson.)

Kronis: Are you two ever gonna go out?

(Both Cheker and Sampson stand still. After a few moments...)

Sampson: I'll come back for that free drink later.

(Cheker, with a large fake smile shoves the complimentary cup into Sampson's hands and looks at Kronis, who's watching intently. Sampson meanwhile isn't accepting the cup, and Cheker has to continually shove it into his hands.)

Cheker: (through her teeth) Here. Take. This Complimentary. Cup. And. Please. Leave.

(Sampson takes the cup finally and leaves. Cheker just stands there. A woman taps on Kronis's shoulder.)

Woman: Would you please hurry it up guy. I want food!

(Kronis takes the boxes and walks over to the girls bathroom and knocks on the door.)

Kronis: Lion... you done?

Lion: (mumbling) Urgh..... yes....

Kronis: Well come on out.

(Kronis steps to the side and Lion walks out looking ticked in a cheesy elf costume.)

Lion: I feel like....

Kronis: Like....

Lion: (mumbling) A festive midget...

Kronis: What?

Lion: (Yelling) A FESTIVE MIDGET!

(Everyone looks at her funny. She walks with her head down over to the the fair case Kronis following her, they pass Randomers table, the Spanish woman he sits with is Esmeralda.)

Randomer: Nice costume Lion.

Kronis: She looks great. Doesn't she?

(Lion scowls and looks at Randomer then at Esmeralda who's applying bright red lip stick.)

Lion: Oh wow Esmeralda, lovely color. Can I take a look at it?

(Esmeralda hands her the lipstick. Lion opens the cap and runs it all over Kronis's nose. Esmeralda and Randomer laugh. Esmeralda looks at Lion.)

Esmeralda: Hey Elfy, can you tell Santa I was a really good this year. (She winks at Lion.)

Lion: You do know I'm a girl right?

Randomer: Wait.... Ez... are you- but.... if you- Why are you still talking to me?

Esmeralda: I never knew there were so many ways to open a tin can. All of these would make good party tricks.

Randomer: These aren't meant for party tricks.

Esmeralda: What better for?

(Randomer gets up and storms away up the stairs. Halfway up he turns to Lion.)

Randomer: I'm watching this Christmas disaster.

(Kronis grabs a napkin and begins to wipe the lipstick from as nose as he follows Randomer upstairs who's followed by an angry Lion. Meanwhile Sister Kah walks in stopping at Benny's table.)

Sister Kah: Hello Mr?

Benny: Benny.

Sister Kah: Lovely to meet you Mr. Benny. I'm Sister Hannah Kah from the Riverbend Orphanage.

Camera: Hannah Kah?

Sister Kah: Yes?

Benny: Like the holiday.

Sister Kah: Oh don't mention that filthy Jewish Holiday to me... so much less su-

Benny: The Jewish are responsible for your religion.

(Sister Kah scowls and walks away.)

Benny: See Camera, This is what's wrong with our society today.... this.

Camera: Nazi....

(Benny looks at him and shakes his head no.)

(Sister Kah walks over to Wolf who dons a very fake smile.)

Wolf: Hannah. It's good to see you.

Sister Kah: Now, may I see the children's books you have?

Wolf: Absolutely.

(Wolf leads Sister Kah to the storeroom. Meanwhile upstairs Kronis has settled down and Lion is unhappily handing out Candy Canes. Randomer is unhappily sitting next to June who has Blip on her lap, she's blabbing on.)

June: I guess Jade just thought I needed help and didn't want him to hurt my feelings.

(Randomer isn't paying attention. He's staring off into space.)

June: Well anywho, do you like Blips elf costume.

(Randomer looks at Blip who's in a hand sewn elf costume and a Santa hat. He looks like a tinsel covered puff ball.)

Randomer: Grrrrreat....... just grrrreat.

June: But I was thinking instead of being a hairdresser, I should be a teacher and teach kindergarteners. That would just be great, I'm starting to really like children. But I just don't have the money to go to school.

(Randomer fake checks his watch.)

Randomer: Oh shit... look at the time. I have a thing.... to uhhhh..... attend.... I'll be leaving.

(Randomer gets up and darts to the staircase nearly tripping over a small empty chair for a child. June looks hurt as Randomer rushes down the spiral staircase. Kronis finishes his book and pulls out How the Grinch Stole Christmas.)

Kronis: Now for a personal favorite of our elf.

Lion: (under breath) My favorite was One Fish, Two Fish goddamnit.

(Back down stairs Erin and Dark re enter the book store holding a bunch of bags and boxes. Randomer darts past them causes Erin to almost drop her pile. She puts everything down and looks at Benny.)

Erin: Can we please have a box of your books for a good cause?

Benny: What?

Dark: Gifts for poor children.

Benny: The Sins of Jack Price isn't a children's book.

Erin: Oh no, we were only going to give it to teenage boys.

(Camera starts laughing. Benny casts him a cold hard glare.)

Camera: Just give them the books. They've had a hard time selling recently anyway.

(Benny picks up a box of books and follows Erin and Dark. Erin leads them to the small kitchen of the cafe area and sets everything down and thanks Benny who mumbles something rather insulting before leaving. Erin and Dark both pull out Santa hats and put them on before dividing the gifts between two sacks.)

Erin: You know, I'm almost broke because of this.

Dark: No good deed goes unpunished.

Erin: Why are we doing this again?

Dark: Internet fame?

Erin: No... helping those who can't help themselves?

Dark: That'll work. Oh, and if we get arrested, I don't know you.

(Both Dark and Erin exit the book shop through the back door. Back in the cafe Sister Kah storms out of the Back room with two book.)

Wolf: Sister Kah, I'm not doing this on purpose.

Sister Kah: It's Christmas Miss. Normandy. I think you can still sacrifice some money, and more than two children's books.

Wolf: We were robbed and money's been tight too because people are so obsessed with Kindles.

Sister Kah: What about that rainy day fund you have?

Wolf: It's not a rainy day fund. It's to decorate the store and bring people together Sister. I have loyally donated for the past few years, and if I can't give you money, take the children's books with talking animals then. We both know that Father Laynes policy on these books is insane.

(Sister Kah pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath.)

Sister Kah: No. (Wolf looks defeated.) Unless, you attend Midnight Mass and got to church until Easter.

(Wolf looks slightly pissed, but gives in.)

Wolf: Fine. Let's go get the Peter Platypus book and that Ollie Ocelot books you thought looked cute.

Sister Kah: Ah lovely. I'm sure you'll love organized religion.

(Meanwhile upstairs Kronis pulls out a book about Hanukkah.)

Kronis: I chose this book specifically for the Jewish family that's always bought books here. They've listened to three Christmas stories, so I've gathered three stories about Hanukkah for them.

(Kronis removes his Santa hat and Lion removes her elf hat. She sits down next to a small child, who just so happens to be the son of the Jewish Couple. His mother leans over.)

Mother: That's by far the most caring person I've ever seen.

Lion: This is by far one of the smartest things he's ever done... besides that one game of monopoly now that I think about it.

(Everyone remains silent as Kronis reads. No one complains. The small child Lion sat next to hugs her. She looks like she's about to have an allergic reaction because she's being touched by a small child. But after a while she's fine with it. Downstairs Sister Kah walks out with a giant box of children's books and says Merry Christmas to Wolf. )

(Later that night. Lion, Kronis, Cheker and Wolf a closing the store early for Christmas. A few people are still inside offering to help clean up. Cheker has the radio on listing to the the news. There's all sorts of good things. Then they hear the following.)

Radio Announcer: This just in, Erin Queen and Dark Naeon two locals have been arrested for breaking an entry. The two were leaving Christmas presents for underprivileged children. The police are saying that this is no excuse, despite the fact that their doing charity work. This escapade has been deemed the most exciting thing to happen in Misty Pines for the last decade.

(Wolf, Kronis, Lion and Cheker groan. Some one pipes up.)

Person #1: I say we start a Go Fund me to bail them out.

Person #2: I'll donate fifty cents to pretend I'm a good person.

Kronis: I'm just pissed they weren't doing this at night so the kids could wake up on Christmas Day to presents under the tree.

(Everyone stares at him. He then smiles.)

Kronis: I'll also donate fifty cents to bail them out and pretend I'm a good person.

(The helpers go back to working, Wolf, Cheker and Lion still look disappointed.)

Merry Christmas everyone!

This is kinda my Christmas Present to you (and Camera did help with the idea so thanks a bunch). I would have loved to actually shoot this episode with my friends and post this on YouTube for you guys (this was an actual thought) but I just wouldn't have the resources or the approval to do it.

It's been awesome having you guys around. So Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a partridge in a pear tree and what not.