I'm not going to lie I've been staring at this screen for a while, feeling I should say something but nothing is coming to mind so I'm just going to write and see where it goes.

Yesterday I had a moment. A sad, sad moment. It was Halloween and I wasn't doing anything at all for the first time ever. My parents were in one room, watching a horror movie I didn't care for and my sister was out with her boyfriend. So, do I really matter?

I was literally just sat in the kitchen, doodling little Halloween things because I was so sad and lonely?? I just felt so insignificant. Nobody really needs me. (And yep I'm so stupid haha)

The person I talk to at school and I'm now going to call a counsellor though I'm not sure if she's classified as one told me to imagine a giant magnet sucking out all the negative energy. She said to imagine myself as a superhero in a cool costume who could protect people, take away the bad thoughts and save the day. Instead, I just moped because that's all I ever do.

Now it's 3:20am and I can't sleep. I tried and tried but I can't. Now my thoughts are too loud and all I feel is so insignificant and like I don't have a purpose. My sister and I used to be really close but she doesn't need me anymore. She has a boyfriend. My mum has my dad and my brother is off at university with loads of friends.

The only people who care for me can't tell me that in person which hurts. As someone who is a little bit clingy and likes hugs and cuddles (the idea of them at least?? I don't think I've hugged a friend before and I definitely haven't cuddled anyone), it hurts. I want all my internet friends to be here with me. Not that they're not good enough. I still love them.

I just feel if I disappeared no one would really notice? You know? Maybe I'm already invisible?

I don't know

It's 3am so this might not make sense

I'm tired

I want to sleep

But can't

I have school later

I'd rather not