😈 THE GREAT “WHO WON?” ARGUMENT

(Immediately after the final note fades and the chandelier stops vibrating)

Charlie:
“Okay! Okay! Nobody panic! The structural damage is… minimal? Maybe? Anyway—who won?”

Angel Dust:
“Oh that’s easy. Hazbin Lucifer. Broadway boy took that high note and YEETED it into the stratosphere. My wig flew off. And I wasn’t even wearin’ one.”

Mazikeen:
“Tom’s Lucifer. Obviously. He hit that low note that made the floor shake. I respect a man who can make the ground fear him.”

Chloe:
“Both of them shook the room! One with glitter, one with emotional trauma.”

Niffty:
“Oh! Oh! But the confetti demons were so cute! They did little tap dances! That’s worth at least ten points!”

Amenadiel:
“I think the real question is: why did either of them need backup dancers at all?”

Angel Dust:
“Uh, sweetie, it’s called showmanship. Try it sometime.”

Alastor:
crackling radio laughter
“Oh dear, the answer is obvious! The victor was the one who managed to make all your souls quiver! And judging from the static in the air—why, I do believe—”

H: materializes in a puff of red glitter
“Me? Obviously me? Please, continue.”

T: leans against a broken pillar, smirking
“Don’t be ridiculous. I won. With ease. I saw several of you swoon.”

Angel Dust:
“Yeah, I swooned, but that’s just because the jacket you wore made your shoulders look illegal.”

H:
“Oh thank you, Angel dear—WAIT, I still won.”

T:
“You didn’t even stay on key during your second riff.”

H:
“I WAS IMPROVISING!”

T:
“You were screaming in falsetto.”

H:
“It was ART!”

Mazikeen:
“Shall I get weapons? I feel like we’re close.”

Chloe:
“No weapons! No weapons. Please. I just want one night where something doesn’t explode.”

Charlie:
“Oh! But the way Dad levitated during the last verse—”

T:
“He levitated because he tripped on his own cane.”

H:
“IT WAS CHOREOGRAPHY!”

Angel Dust:
“Baby, if that was choreography, I’m the Virgin Mary.”

Alastor:
“Well now that’s a terrifying visual.”

Amenadiel:
“Perhaps we should settle this the mature way.”

Everyone:
“No.”

Amenadiel:
“…I walked into that.”

Charlie:
“Okay! Ummm—maybe we can just say it was a tie?”

Both Lucifers simultaneously:
“No.”

H:
“I outshined him.”

T:
“I outsang him.”

H:
“I out-chaos’d him!”

T:
“I out-classed him.”

Chloe:
sighing into her drink
“They’re going to do another song, aren’t they?”

Angel Dust:
“Oh absolutely. And next time, I’m selling tickets.”

Both Lucifers:
already conjuring spotlights again
“ROUND TWO!”

Everyone:
“NOOOOOO—!”

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So who do you think won??