I have sinned enough to get a free pass down.

I'm friends with the Devil!

Me: Heeey! Satan, my man! How's it going with the whole "eternal burning" thing?

Satan: //laughs// Selena! Just the woman I'd hate to see! //shakes hands with me// It's good, it's good! The screams of agony are screeching so beautifully this morning!

Me: Ah, music to my ears.

Satan: Sat, how's that "Trust me.." Fanfiction going?

Me: Good, good!

Satan: Wonderful! But what brings you here? You're not due for.. //looks at watch// another 74 years!

Me: Oh, you know, stuck in a bloody hell for a week.

Satan: Oooh. //nods in understanding// You know, all you have to do is say the words and I could have a demon take care of it stat.

Me: //laughs and waves it off// Naw, it's all okay. I'll have to lick up some Midol on the way back to the surface world, yeah?

Satan: Please, allow me. //chants in demonic language//

Me: Aw, Lucius, you cuddlebug!

Satan: //summons Death from pentagram in ground//

Death: //blows a bubble out of pink gum// I swear to Hades, Satan if you-

Satan: It's for Selena this time!

Death: //crosses arms, scythe leaning against shoulder// I don't care, you only ever summon me to do your day to day tasks, and-

Satan: //leans in, mutters// She's on her period..

Death: ! Well, why didn't you say so!! //turns to me// There you are, hun! //hands me Midol//

Me: //smiles// Death, you are too kind.

Death: Aww, shucks! I might not have an actual gender, but I feel your pain. Even in death!
//laughs//

Satan and Me: //laughs//

Death: Haha, now seriously leave so I can kick this demonic goat's ass.

Me: //holds up hands// I'm leaving, I'm leaving. See ya later, boys! Or, boy and trans!