1. I can't dislike Nagito anymore because someone I admire really likes him and has really valid emotional reasons for liking him and now Nagito reminds me of that person. Everyone always talks about paradoxical relationships and how toxic they are. But I'm not hurting anyone, because I have no delusions of them knowing me and being my friend. Even so, I find it strange that he has enough influence on me to change my opinions.

2. Regarding this same person. His Tumblr has his AO3 so I decided to check it out. Despite doing so well with not comparing myself too unfavorably to other people in my classes, I guess I can't avoid it forever. It's weird. I don't know whether it's really as good as I think it is, or if my perception is colored by the fact that he creatively inspires me. And if it IS really as good as I think, is it because he's older/has more experience? He's not TOO much older than me, and I don't know if he started writing at the same age I did. Am I falling behind the standard? My sense of logic says no. Other people tell me I'm good. People I trust not to bullshit me. So I'm probably actually good. But my emotions say I'm not, that I'm not nearly as good at this as I should be considering I've been storytelling since before I could physically write. And that I'll never be able to make a career of this.

3. Maybe because of these latent feelings, I put off working on my finale today and instead made something completely and utterly useless for the hell of it. Decided "Hell, let's make victory quotes for LDOD characters in a hypothetical fighting game that doesn't exist" and just casually spent HOURS writing 120 freaking combinations. Then decided I needed to legitimize this by giving the characters move pools and I realized I have next to NO ideas for Chimon. Because he's just a little DUDE, and he doesn't fit in with the stereotypical imagery of a hypnotist since he thinks stage hypnosis is a sham. So like... what do you do with that?! I can't think of any weapon for him! Oh shit I just got it at least that's encouraging but I'm still doing pointless things to stall for time.

4. I have nights like these sometimes. Where I overthink the hell out of everything. It's lonely. And scary. I don't always like living in my own head. I start feeling and thinking for no reason and it just goes on for hours. I feel a little better now but I don't know where that came from.