As a person, I tend to worry a lot. I worry about everything. It's been this way for me as long as I can remember. I've probably written about this before, but my friends aren't exempt from this curse of mine. 

I worry about their well being, of course. However, most of my worries are far more selfish. I worry about being taken advantage of, so I'm always on guard. I worry about what my friends think of me. I worry about whether they even enjoy my company or whether they even care about me. 

It's exhausting. My brain is honestly the best at driving me insane. It's not the easiest thing to explain to people either, so that makes things harder. Really though, I'm doing much better recently. As a result, my venting about this struggle doesn't have to be the sole point of this update.

I texted a random stranger on the Internet today. I do so from time to time, just for fun. Everything went well - It was a positive interaction. Yet, I felt something was missing. Now as I sit with my music on a quiet night, I can't help but think of my friends and my unique connections with them. 

They're all so different from eachother - imperfect beautiful humans in their own right. As a result, I feel my relationships with each of them is different as well. Yet, there's one thing that I feel is common between all these relationships - a feeling of genuine connection. With each of them, I feel like I connect on a level that goes deeper than when I interact with other people. This presents itself in different ways in different friendships, and I will admit, I have overlooked many instances because of how difficult they are to notice.

Nonetheless, I put my effort in. I don't believe any relationship can last without effort of some kind. I sometimes wish they'd put in the amount of effort I do, but that's outside of my control and beside the point. Right now, I just feel so grateful that I've had the pleasure of knowing each and every one of these people. No matter what the world says about them, or whatever happens in the grand scale of things, to me these people will always be special in their own way.

Growing up, I could never imagine I'd ever feel this accepted. That I'd have a place where I could constantly utter the nonsense in my brain and have it not even be questioned. A place where I sometimes feel like talking things out rather than running away like I always have. Even sometimes is such a big deal for me. I'm glad I have people to share funny things with and have the biggest laughs.

I'm glad I know these people. I'm glad they are in my life. Looking back, I think having cool friends was a dream of younger smaller Zinn. I believe that dream has definitely come true, along with so many other ones.

At this point, I don't think my brain will ever let me be completely at peace. I know my friendships aren't perfect. I know that this probably won't last forever - feelings or relationships rarely ever do. I know that some of my worries will be proven right in time, and my brain'll cling on to them and say "I told you so". It's alright though, my brain is only trying to protect me, and I can only be happy if my brain is proven wrong.

And meanwhile, I've found my workaround. I can find joy in appreciating my friends, even when I'm not sure whether it's reciprocated. I can find joy knowing that, no matter what, atleast for a time, I knew and was a part of these weird and wonderful people.