Having been so accustomed to the permanence of the internet, and also just as a person who has difficulty letting go because nostalgia is so nice, the concept of having something be lost forever with no means of re-experiencing it is so scary. In a similar vein, I was faced with an unimaginably difficult decision today.

I knew what the right thing to do was. It was very clear. So much so that I'd say that, to most other people, this wouldn't be a stressful decision at all. While I'd most likely be wrong in saying that because I am simultaneously undervaluing myself and giving humanity too much undeserved credit, I'll stick with it because I choose to keep faith in humanity. 

What made this decision so difficult for me is something I cannot explain. However, it is a part of me that I particularly dislike. It can be so tempting and it can have such strong control over me. I've lost to this vice so many times, it's unbelievably exhausting. I have no doubt that, going forward, I'm going to have to endure some level of agony and unease over the decision I made today. It's certainly not gonna be easy.

There's also the question of, "am I putting too much importance into this?" - another thing that made the decision hard to take. It is of such a nature that no one need know and no one won't know unless I want them to. And what people don't know can't hurt them, so is it such a bad thing? And as for why I dislike it - could it just be the biases I formed via the society I grew up in? Am I in the wrong for disliking this part of me, when it's something that's human? We're but flawed creatures, and it's in our nature to be not so great sometimes. And that's alright.

Then there's the nagging nihilism with the question of, "Is there even a right thing in the first place?" No matter what I chose to do, my life would go on and so would the lives of others. Therefore, no matter what I do, can it really be qualified into right or wrong? Who am I to judge what's right or wrong either? I don't think I've expressed my thoughts particularly well in this paragraph, because it is a difficult thought to explain. But simply put, there's this voice in the back of my mind that always asks, "does any of this actually matter?", and I find myself unsure of the answer.

However, having considered all these things, I can still say with absolute certainty that I did the right thing today. It wasn't easy, but I won the battle today. I'm really proud of myself for that. So, here's a pat on the back, Zinn.

I urge anyone reading this not to read too deeply into all these words, lest you might come to the wrong conclusions. Instead, I'll tell you exactly what this is meant to be - This is a very honest and in depth analysis into why it's not easy to do the right thing. It almost never is. And that's if you even know what the right thing is in the first place. But I do believe it's worth it. Why? That I cannot answer. 

However, do give yourself a pat on the back too when you choose to do the right thing.