⚠️TW because I'm in my moods right now, and I don't wanna trigger anyone⚠️

Shit doesn't really hit you until night time. You'll be in bed and just randomly start thinking of some deep shit.

I really thought I was getting better. I honestly did. But now I'm laying in bed at 1. 30 am (probably until 3 am again), trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I'm never enough.
I'm not anyone's first choice. I'm not anyone's favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I'm special to them, but I know there's someone they will ALWAYS choose over me.
I've had friends who I seemed to be friends with forever. But now I'm sitting here realizing that I already lost them, am about to lose them, or will lose them soon. We go from talking until 2 am, to 2 hours per day, to 2 minutes, to 2 days ago, not even to speak at all.

I mean, it sounds so stupid, but that one girl... I'm friends with her since 6 grade. We were like sisters. We almost lived at each other's houses, and we did EVERYTHING together. And she is still important to me, with or without conversation. But seeing her laughing with others like we used to laugh still hurts. And it hurts so much that she ignores me now. During the Holidays, we did not speak a word. NOT ONE. We sit next to each other in so many classes, and even in these classes, she does barely talk to me, and it just hurts like freaking hell. And silly me forgets all the time that I only exist to her and that she only likes me when she needs something.
And the worst thing about it? I blame myself for it, as usual.
But this time I think it's true.
She said I could come to her house whenever it's getting worse, whenever I can't handle myself anymore, whenever I can't stand it being home. She said I could call her at any time. No matter what. So I did. I called her so often. For a long time, she was the only one I trusted enough to cry in front of her.
And I think that was just too much for her. And now I lost her.
I literally lost her, and this time it doesn't feel like we could fix it.
I act like I don't care, but deep down, it's fucking killing me.
But I still miss her. And even though we don't speak anymore, I hope she's doing okay.

And I lost a couple of other good friends of mine because they told shitty stuff about me and blamed ME for it. THEY BLAMED ME FOR BEING ANGRY AND HURT ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY BETRAYED ME BY TELLING SHIT ABOUT ME.
And the worst thing about it is that I still remember them pinky promising that they'd never leave.
But they said to me: We don't even know why we've been friends in the first place. You're a horrible person. We hate you. You don't deserve friends. You are way too fucked up for things like that.
And FUCK, that did hurt. It still does. And that happened over a year ago or something.
I used to distance myself from the people around me when it got worse, so I did. I did for years. I wasn't myself for YEARS, and they didn't notice ONCE. And when they said I acted weird and "not as I used to," lately I told them what was going on. I hoped they would understand it. But the only thing they said was: We don't care. You hurt us, and when something's not ok get your shit done and come back afterward. You're way too complicated and strange.
And that was the exact moment I started to feel nothing. NOTHING AT ALL.

Since then... Since they told me what they thought to themselves for years, I'm getting worse again. And days like today when I'm stressed because of school and nobody wants to talk to me or text me; I'm alone with my thoughts. And I can't handle it.
I just fucking miss being happy.

Juice WRLD once said:
"Not scared to love, just scared of love. Not enough, I'm not enough."
I felt that

On TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter, I'm continually reading these "if you can read this, I'm sorry."
idwtkmijwtptbg
idkhttyimybikydmm
ilysmbidkhttybikydlmb
iwtkma
and at one point, I thought everyone could understand these because so many do, but when I asked my friends, they didn't have a clue.
Maybe I'm a bit messed up
A little bit, haha

I'm sitting in my bed right now, realizing that I have only three friends left. And I am so scared that I will lose them too. Because in the end, I never meant shit to the other ones. And I am afraid that in the future, it will be the same with them. Because I slowly begin to think: maybe I am the problem.
And it's so bad that I didn't even tell them everything about myself anymore. I keep a lot to myself because firstly, I don't want to be annoying. Secondly, I don't want to be too much for them. Thirdly they can't handle it, and last but not least... nobody really gives a fuck.
I don't even have trust issues. It's more like "I've seen this before, and I know exactly how it ends" issues...
And it's sad watching yourself be replaced by someone else, and there is nothing you can do about it.

But I love my friends so freaking much. And the only thing I can hope for is that this will end differently or does not end at all.
Because guys... I would be dead without you.
Like for real, you are the only thing why I'm still alive.
I love you.

Best wishes, TPWK, and stay safe
Lou