Alone. That's what I am currently. Alone. I'm done. I try and try but only so little happens. I want to at least just die. I fight to survive everyday with my thoughts, demons, and more. But inside I just want to die. I have so much encircling my mind. It slowly kills. I feel my emotions slowly lose to them. I hear that voice now constantly telling me things. This continues on. I smile and say I'm fine and I know it's a lie. More medications, doctors, and therapists. They aren't working like they used too. It just does nothing but make me sick. After I lost something so precious to me I broke more. There was someone in my life I never knew, saw, or even got to know. But they're gone now. I broke so much during these past few months. Realizing how irrelevant my feelings are. How stupid I really am. How pathetic I look. How much I don't matter. I lost friends, people who promised so much, but to also lose that much. It broke my heart to see what can be done by mistakes that I made. I wanted to disappear forever. Be something no one will acknowledge. There's so much in my life I want to fix, but I realize I can't fix them alone. But I want everything about me to be erased. I have people I care about a lot and then I wonder if they care about me. I worry about them, but I don't want them to worry about me. It's so funny how I work. I worry, care, and protect them, but when something happens to me. There's little to no one who even thinks about it. My mental issues have  been bothering me so much. Breaking me apart. But also physically I don't even try anymore. I gave up. I had already tried to die but someone saved me. Why? I don't know. People have told me so many things. Things that slowly became true to me. My dads hate me. My sisters resent me. My mother ignores me. My other relatives forgot about us. My friends are rarely there. And my best friend won't talk to me as much. My best guy friend doesn't live in this town anymore. And that one person, they can't talk anymore like they could. Slowly time passes and we lose so much. But now I'm alone. In my safe place. Telling the rests of the world I'm ok. I'm just tired. No I'm tired of life. I don't want to live anymore. Everyday demons in my mind torment me so much. At times I care too much and then I don't care at all. My feelings being toyed with. My heart wanting to be ripped out of my chest. My mouth that wants to scream. Everything builds up and up and up. Until I want to break down. There's only so much I can do to try to keep myself from even crying. But then night comes and everyone is sleeping. Then I cry. I wanted to actually be loved, I wanted someone to care, I wanted someone to be there. But in the end, why do I feel so alone even though I have what maybe others don't? Why? My mother told me. "If you don't want to go back to that facility, if you don't want to be gone for weeks. Then be strong, tell us what's going on. Just do as your told. I'm not saying you're not going through anything but godamit you can't just cry and expect everything to be better. You're only making yourself miserable." So badly I wanted to tell her what was going on through closed doors. The bullying, the losses, my emotions, what's going on. But I just smiled and said, "Ok I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry mom. I'm just tired." "It's ok baby. Just go to sleep. I'll be here until you fall asleep." I pretended that I did. She got up turned to me and said, "Pathetic little brat." Then walked to my door, turned the light off, and walked away. I knew she was my mother, but what could I do? I wasn't old enough to do much. I was only 15. I gave up on my family. I could only do nothing but tolerate it. My mother did so much for us and as much as I didn't want to, I still stick by her side. Because the man I call dad, hurts her the most. I do my best to stay strong but I fail. I hate him. So much. He's was one of the reasons why I have depression. He toys with me so much. He doesn't love me or my sister. He loves my other three sisters but he doesn't like me at all. I know what's going on and he knows. He makes me fear him. He bribes my little sisters, but frightens the older ones. But I stay because I have to protect them. There's only so much that I can do, but I can't leave. Every time I try to run I always end up coming back. It makes me frustrated. I know I don't want to talk about anything that happened but I also want to get everything out in case I do manage to die. There's so much that goes on and being the oldest of my four siblings it's hard. Having to have so much out in you. Then attending school puts more into that. There's only so much I can do. But I get tired of it. Then I have to always be compared to others. Whether it's strength, smarts, looks, etc. I always have to be the one who's not good enough. I try. I try to look better. I try to be smarter. I try. But I give up. Because I'm done being a puppet. In fact you assholes should be ashamed. Driving a person to wanting to commit suicide. And now this entry is done.