Say more then one word and contribute more to the conversation.

It all comes from those words. I make this aim towards those words. Just know if you message me a normal message tomorrow I wont answer, I'll only answer for rps and Kai. Lets start this while I've stopped crying for the time being shall we?

Im not good at talking already because of my anxiety so texting is so much worse. If you know well then youd know I suck at talking. So dont tell me to 'contribute' more to a conversation. It pisses me off and makes me feel stupid. I started hating myself for not doing better, its a cycle. I start to become like a obedient dog, I listen to orders. Now dont start calling me racist because I say this cause I'm mixed but do I get treated this way because I'm half black? Am I just slave to my so called friends?

Most friends treat me like I'm nothing and I believe that while very few remember I'm a person and real. Those people make me happy, they listen to me if I'm down in the dumps. You know I want people to stop comparing to themselves, I'm not you and I never will be. I forget easily, so easily and I get told I'm stupid and a bitch for not remembering something. My family yells despite seeing I'm doing so much worse, my only safe place at night is my bed.

As I lay here crying, I wonder why. Do they want me dead or am I just nothing but disposable to them? My mom goes and tells everyone about me being gay and trans despite her saying she wouldn't, its like she needs to find someone who hates me for being this way. Why? Why must she do this to me? I trusted her for once in my whole and she just betrays me, I dont have the balls to tell her that she cant do that. Shes lied my whole life... taken from me.

This is probably a jealously thing but whenever other people I follow make vents, they get so much attention and love. But here not many people read this or say anything, thats all fine actually. Its just something I've noticed and I'm glad everyone whos worth more than me is getting attention, they deserve all the love in the world. I know I'm ugly and not very likable but I try, even if my dad calls me ugly and annoying, worth only 2 cents. I know one person really cares and loves me. Thats all I need, just one person.

I hate attention but need it so I dont feel like shit. This seems more composed then usual and it is. I need to let my feelings out instead of acting like its fine because its not fine. I'm not okay and when I honestly think I am, someone comes and ruins it for me. You can hate me and tell me that I'm trash but thats okay. I just dont care but care at the same time. I could be selfish but I wont be.

My dad touches me even though I saw I dont want him to, I get called a asshole for not wanting to be touched. I express my feelings or try to then I get called a asshole or I'm pissing him off. I try to tell him my suicidal thoughts but stutter and get told to shut up because I'm annoying. Its hard being okay with people like this around you. My stepdad talks about me behind my back saying 'At least two kids show emotion when they get a present' and I know its me. Heaven gets all excited and Amaya screams a little and smiles happily.

I'm sorry I fucken suck at showing emotions. I'm sorry that I exist. 'Chasity! Chasity! Chasity!" Stop calling me that. I hate it, thats not me anymore! Just stop... its not me so stop. She doesn't exist anymore only Gen does. Please Gen wants to be heard so badly. Why cant you give Gen attention? Why dont you give Gen the attention you give his sisters, why dont you say hello to him when he says hi. Why do you avoid Gen? Why does Gen walking scare you? Gen just wants to be noticed, please. Hes begging and screamed to be heard. Why you dont listen to him? He just wants to be loved by his family. Please love Gen like you loved her and how happy she was. Hes sorry for coming off so rude... he didn't mean to honestly. Hes just trying to protect himself. Give Gen a chance for once thats all he wants.... hes not spoiled at all. Why didn't you call her spoiled? Why just why?

Im sorry