Tired of Trying

The millionth time, awake
The sun is warm against my skin
Another day ahead, but I just want a break
Constantly looking out, looking in
Everything feels too much
But nothing ever feels enough
I could clench my fists, try to clutch
And get a grip of all that good stuff
But it's nothing, it's all imaginary
Every hope a waste of time
Trying to bring yourself back to ordinary
Even opening your eyes feel like a crime
"You're going to do nothing again anyway,"
I plan ahead and prepare my day
Full of disappointments, I don't need to say
How much I hate that God allowed me to breathe today
How I loathe that my legs have yet to give away
Beneath the weight of my self-hate
Allowing me to make my way through the bedroom doorway
Out of the cave where my bed kept the secret of how I had slept too late
I had promised myself last night,
"I'll sleep on-time tonight, I swear."
But my unintelligent eyes had stayed glued to the bright light
My addict's fingers gripping the black box of dispair
Before I knew it, hours went
My mind drowning in obsessive thoughts
My logic and practicality all spent
Remembering all the things that have me distraught
I can't remember the last time
I had gone to sleep like the tired child
After a long day of discovering life
Excited to wake up to the early rays of daylight