"All I know is, one of us is right, and the other one is you."
-Donnie

~^~

Donnie: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?

Leo: Not until four.

~^~

"I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."
-Mikey

~^~

"I love it when someone insults me. It means I don't have to be nice anymore."
-Donnie

~^~

Raph: Yeah, I have a plan.

Donnie: Is it a good one?

Raph: I have a plan.

~^~

"I don't care if you are panicking, just do it quietly."
-Splinter

~^~

"There are at least seventeen ways this could have gone better. Literally. Like, I'm counting them right now, you moron."
-Donnie

~^~

"Your existence gives me a headache, go stand over there."
-Donnie

~^~

"Well, the best of the best weren't available, so we got the best of the mediocre!"
-Leo

~^~

"Here, hold my dignity... I've got some sketchy stuff to do."
-Leo

~^~

"Okay, listen, I'm not saying that I'm awesome and that you should definitely love me, but... yes, that's exactly what I am saying."
-Leo

~^~

Donnie: You know I love you, right?

Raph: Yes.

Donnie: Ok, well since I love you, I want to tell you how much of an idiot you're being.

~^~

"I was so smart five minutes ago! What happened?!"
-Raph

~^~

"If there's anything I've managed to do pretty well in my life, so far it's not die. So we're off to a pretty good start on that one."
-Leo

~^~

Raph: How're you feeling?

Donnie: Well, my eyebrows don't hurt, so pretty good.

~^~

"Now we just tighten this bolt, and then— that was not supposed to happen."
-Donnie

~^~

"I have way too many brain cells to process the sheer amount of stupid you just spat out of your mouth."
-Donnie

~^~

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's that... well, I don't."
-Literally anyone to Leo

~^~

"Oh my god, those are so unhealthy, gimme like 20–"
-Leo

~^~

Leo: Say, why is Raph squinting like that?

Mikey: I dunno... He looks pretty focused though.

Camera moves 20 meters to the right.

Donnie: Raph, why are you squinting like that?

Raph: I'm trying to see what color the inside of my eyelids is.

~^~

Raph: Welcome to the Mad Dogs! Mikey, tell 'em what to expect!

Mikey: Okay, so Donnie's robots will sometimes decide to randomly turn on and try to kill you- minimum is twice a week- and it usually happens at night, but don't worry, they make a bunch of noise, so you should be good, just be careful. Leo sometimes makes portals but then forgets to close them, so be aware of any of those. Last time Raph fell in one, he crashed into a lion's cage in the middle of a circus show. Speaking of Raph, he—

Donnie: I think he meant in battles with villains like Meat Sweats, Repo Mantis, etc.

Leo: Oh, those guys? They just kinda run at us. Just put yourself with your back to a wall and side-step when they're about to reach you. It's fun.

~^~

Mikey: What would you rather have: love or money?

Donnie: Silence.

Mikey: ...that's not an asnw-

Donnie: *happy shushing noises*

~^~

Mikey: What's the hardest thing to say?

Donnie: I was wrong.

Leo: I need help.

Raph: Worcestershire sauce.

~^~

Donnie: Good morning everyone.

Raph: I'm gonna try to become left handed.

Donnie:

Donnie: *walks away with his hands in the air*

~^~

Mikey: Ow! My armkle!

Leo: Your... what?

Donnie, sighing: His wrist.

~^~

Donnie: *sends an angry text*

Leo: I can hear your voice so clearly when I read that, and it's just as disturbing as in person.

Donnie: That's the effect I was going for.

~^~

April: What is 'named' spelled backwards?

Leo: DEMON!

Mikey: DEMON!

Raph, spending a good thirty seconds trying to spell it backwards in his head: OH- DEMON!

Donnie: Where did all of you get the 'o' from? It's deman.

~^~

Foot Brute, at Cassandra's funeral: Well... She was an... interesting person, and... I don't know what else to say about her really.

Cassandra, bolting upright out of the casket: WOW.

~^~

April: My bloodline ends with me.

Leo: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard anyone say "I'm gay".

~^~

Splinter: When I was your age-

Leo: When I was your height-

Splinter:

Splinter: *storms out*

Splinter, coming back with a stepping stool: LISTEN—

~^~

April: Uh... Raph... What are you doing?

Raph, putting toothpaste on his toast: Multitasking.

~^~

Donnie: Some mutants are like slinkies. Not good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

April:

April: Don't push Leo down the stairs.

Donnie: You can't stop me.

~^~

Raph: I accidentally broke Donnie's bō staff. How long d'you think I'll live?

Leo: Ten.

Raph: Ten what?

Leo: Nine.

~^~

Donnie: Look, we've been fighting for way too long.

Leo: True.

Donnie: Let's just agree to apologize on the count of three.

Leo: Ok.

Donnie. Three. Two. One.

Leo:

Donnie:

Donnie: See, now I'm just disappointed in both of us.

~^~

Mikey: One day, I'm gonna be as strong and cool as dad!

Donnie: I saw that man drop his burger and then cry over it for at least twenty minutes.

~^~

April: I wish we could block people in real life.

Leo: A restraining order.

Donnie: Murder.

~^~

Donnie: Murder isn't on today's agenda.

Raph: It's not on anyone's.

Donnie: No, it's on mine, just not until Tuesday.

~^~

Donnie: Leo died of natural causes.

Raph: You pushed him off a cliff.

Donnie: Gravity is natural.

~^~

Leo: I know we have to save the world and all, but there's absolutely no way I can do that on an empty stomach.

Donnie: Fine! But I'm not spending more than seven bucks at a drive-through.

~^~

Mikey: Raph, this is a crime scene!

Raph, pulling out four ice cream containers from the victim's refrigerator: Oh, is this the murder weapon?

~^~

Leo: On a scale from 1 to 10, how mad are you?

Donnie: Eight.

Leo: C'mon, I can to better than that!

~^~

"I'm not a regular human, I'm a Cool Human™."
-April

~^~

"I sure showed those guys, huh? Did you see how uncomfortable they got when I started crying?!"
-Mikey

~^~

Mikey: I'm perfectly fine!

Leo: Just this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.

Mikey: I DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN, YOU DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN!

~^~

Donnie, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Raph: *snatches the bottle*

Raph: *chugs the entire thing*

Raph, unfazed: It's perfume.

~^~

Raph: Mikey, why did you go out last night?

Mikey, internally: Play dumb.

Mikey: Who's Mikey?

Mikey, internally: Not that dumb.

~^~

Raph: When's the last time I asked you for anything?

April: Yesterday. You asked me to look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

Raph: Ok, when's the last time I asked you for anything that wasn't a medical emergency?

April: Yesterday. You asked me to look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

~^~

Kidnapper, on the phone: If you hand over 10,000 bucks within 24 hours, we'll let your brother go.

Donnie, tied up: Ten thou- YOU THINK I'M ONLY WORTH 10,000 BUCKS?!

Kidnapper: I—

Donnie, screeching: MAKE IT 10 BIL—

Raph, on the other line: SHUT UP—

~^~

Leo: Do you think laundry detergents have different tastes?

Raph: They do.

Donnie, poking his head out of his lab: W-why did you say that with such certainty-

~^~

"They ask me how I manage my brothers so easily. The secret is I don't. I have no control over them whatsoever. Earlier, Mikey called my name, and when I showed up to see what was going on, Leo shot me in the throat with a nerf gun."
-Donnie

~^~

Donnie: You shouldn't be using a straw.

Leo: Yeah, saving the environment or whatever.

Donnie: No, it's just a weird way to eat lasagna.

~^~

Raph: Mikey, are you ok?

Mikey, crying: Yeah, just these onions.

Raph, to the onions: What the hell did you say to my brother—

~^~

Leo: What would you do if I was kidnapped?

Donnie: Wait until they give you up voluntarily.

~^~

Leo, taping a knife to a roomba and setting it loose: Be free, my child.

Donnie, entering the room with a small cut on his ankle: WHO THE F—

~^~

Kidnapper 1, on the phone: We have your brother.

Raph: Which one?!

Kidnapper 1: He made us reevaluate our life choices and now we feel really bad for what we did, can you come pick him up?

Raph: *gasp* YOU HAVE MIKEY!

Kidnapper 2, in the background: I'm gonna become an artist!

Kidnapper 3: *sitting with Mikey on the couch watching Lou Jitsu movies*

~^~

Raph: What is love?

Donnie: A chemical balance made by the brain.

Mikey: Doing everything in your power for someone you care about.

Leo, singing: Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more.

~^~

Raph: Donnie and I discussed a little bit and we've decided to make major funding changes this year.

Mikey: *raises hand*

Donnie: Your Club Penguin membership will remain active.

Mikey: *lowers hand*

~^~

Donnie, going to get a villain: *bangs on the door* OPEN UP!

Villain: Alright. It all started when I was a little boy...

Donnie: I meant the DOO—

Mikey: No no, let him talk. Please, continue. Who do I have to fight?

~^~

Donnie: Ace of spades!

Raph: Uno, draw four!

Mikey: Pikachu, I choose you!

Donnie: WHAT ARE WE PLAYING?

~^~

Raph, with his brothers using a Ouija board: Is there a spirit joining us today?

Ouija board: Y E S

Donnie: Great, your rent is $45K due by next week.

Ouija board: W T F

~^~

Donnie: I hate this song.

Leo: You gotta admit, it's pretty catchy!

Donnie: So is the plague, but last I checked, it wasn't very good.

~^~

"Well, I have learned nothing."
-Leo

~^~

Leo: Man, my head hurts.

Donnie: That's your brain trying to comprehend your own stupidity.

~^~

Raph: I ate the "do not eat" packet in my pepperoni. Am I gonna die?

Donnie: Everyone is going to die eventually.

Raph: Everyone?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?

~^~

"I may seem like bad person, but deep down, I'm a good person. And even deeper down, I'm an even worse person."
-Draxum

~^~

Raph: You know what I just realized?

Leo: That soy milk is just introducing itself in Spanish?

Raph:

Leo:

Raph: No—

~^~

Leo: You know, there could be a ghost aggressively break dancing behind you and you wouldn't know it.

Donnie: I was having a pretty fine day until you said that.

~^~

"Leo- who was drunk off his shell- just asked me "Who's the championest turtle in the world?" and I said "Uh, you?" and he goes "False, it's Neon Leon!" Idiot, you are Neon Leon."
-Donnie, probably

~^~

Mikey: Thanks for not telling my brothers what happened.

April: I wouldn't even know where to begin trying to explain this.

~^~

April: You should really calm down..

Donnie, banging his fists against table: BUT HOW CAN IT BE BIRTHDAY CAKE FLAVOR IF BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?

~^~

Donnie: I relish being your brother.

Raph: And I ketchup being yours!

~^~

Raph: I'm an expert at identifying birds!

Donnie: Really? Well, what about those over there?

Raph: Yep! Those are definately birds!

~^~

"Why wait for some poltergeist to cause a ruckus? Slam your own doors! Rattle your own windows! Smash your own favorite plant against the wall! Haunt your own house! You don't need some dumb spirit, the only supernatural force you need in life is yourself!"
-Raph

~^~

Leo: If all four of us were drowning, who would you save?

Splinter: You four can't swim?

Donnie: We can, but it's a hypothetical question! Who would you save?

Splinter: My time and effort.

~^~

"Dear Santa, I'm writing to you to let you know I was naughty. And it was worth it, judgmental bastard."
-Young Donnie

~^~

Donnie: YOU SOCIOPATH! YOU HAVE NO CONSIDERATION OVER HOW I FEEL!

Leo: HOW IRONIC! LAST I CHECKED, YOU WERE THE LYING SCUMBAG WHO TOOK EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN AND LOVED!

Donnie: THAT'S IT! I'M MOVING OUT OF THE LAIR! SHELDON, GRAB MY THINGS AND LET'S GO!

April: That's enough Monopoly for one night.

~^~

Wow this one was long- m'kay, bye.