my mum left at 8am cos there was some special event at her work. that was until 12 and she told me she'd be home a little later cos she might have to help them tidy up and stuff, but now it's 5pm and i thought she might come home at 1 or 1.30pm. i just called her and i already thought it'd be like that. she's at the "bar" she's usually at and she's very really drunk. and i had this day planned as a mummy and i day cos we haven't really spent much time together lately and i'm falling into my depressive habits once again. so i just wanted to have a nice saturday with her. i even planned to cook something with her. since she started to text a lot with our ex neighbour – who's freshly divorced – she's been really off. she's at the bar a lot and she's on her phone and i once told her that i'm scared she's gonna be with him and even if she says there's only talk about divorce and his kids and his ex wife, i know it's not only that. i read some stuff on holidays and you don't laugh your arse off middle of the night cos of some shît about your neighbour. and she even told me she'd like to fall in love again.
i once told her that i don't want her to have boyfriends until i'm not living at home anymore. and i do really not want her to have bf's. it's been her and i most of my life, i'm used to that, i can't live differently now.
i'm so scared that she's really gonna come home now (i actually think i can hear the car) cos i can't just disappear into my room forever and let her deal with herself cos then she's gonna do dumb stuff but I can't deal with drunken people. i think i might have a trauma and that's prolly not good, but i'm so scared. and i have people to tell this but it won't make it better. they can't come get me to their house so i don't have to be alone with my drunk mum. they can't, and that's destroying me. i have to live with that for a little more years. she told me more than once that she's never going to go out again. that she won't drink again. she even told me she'd sign a contract. but still she does.
and about the neighbour thing. i don't trust her with anything because she's been lying to me about smoking my whole life. my whole family did and still does. as if i've never seen the empty boxes in her car or bag. as if it's not more than obvious when she buys cigarettes on the airport (a few years ago she told me they were for a friend of hers because it's cheaper for her, but she didn't smoke marlboro.). and she lies about stopping going out a few times and there were other things, too. so no, i don't trust my mum on tricky things.
and i sometimes hate my life very much.
i'm crying.