»you're just really honest. you tell your mum everything.«
»no. not everything.«
»yeah, but most things.«
»yes, but that's because they have such a strong relationship.«
my mum is my best friend, my savior, my heroine, my home, my psychologist, the person i go to first if i don't know how to do anything.
i love her.

»you always say unnecessary stuff«
»you're always red on the cheeks. you also blush a lot.«
»you're weird and crazy. stop being so.«
»you can't dance.«
»you should dye your hair again. it looks ugly like this.«
»you didn't even bother to wash your hair.«
»you wear pijamas to school a lot.«
»please press the damn pimple out. looks disgusting.«
»wooow, trying to be cool and tumblr, huh?«
»bruh, you nerd.«
»teachers #1.«
»idk, you look like a boy sometimes.«
»if you were a teacher, you'd be [meanest teacher in school, probably devil in person]«
these are phrases i hear at school not so rarely. they come from the people i call my friends. and that's why i refuse to meet up with them often and don't tell every of them that i have a crush on someone or that something happened in my family. you don't have to call them friends. at least not in your mind or in front of your true friends [ l., c., k. and most importantly, s.].

»you're not fat.«
i've been so unconfident in my body lately. i've had these issues since i was 8 and they constantly dis- and reappear. i don't know what to do. i think i'd be totally fine if i weren't too lazy to go to the gym or something. i wanted to go running a year ago. it's just that i don't even want to look at my thighs and stomach. they look so ugly and fat. that's why i love winter. i can hide everything under big sweaters and wide trousers. i mean, it's not like i weigh 120kg or so. i'm ca 164cm tall and probably weigh 63kg. it doesn't even sound that bad, i guess.
but i think my problem is that i've had these thoughts for such a long time and i think my friends also play a part in that. s., l., l., k., p., l. - they're all slim. p. told me size 34 was too big. i needed to have a 40 dress because i couldn't get into a 38. at one shop not even a l fits me.
i also think that my crush on n. plays a tiny part in it. i would probably be mad at myself if it were big.
my grandma said she hated pastries for more than 30 years just to be thin enough for her husband. now, at the age of 70, she doesn't give a damn and eats what she wants.
i saw a video of some youtuber whose boyfriend broke up with not long ago. she cried about him telling her that she's too fat and that he leaves her because of this. that's always been her sensible spot. she was really sad that he said that and it made me too.
i told myself to never ever lose weight because i love someone. to never starve because of a man or woman. to always lose weight because of me. because i don't feel comfortable in my body how it is at this moment.
i've been told that i'm pretty and that my body is lovely the way it is quite a lot on here. it's always been people who never saw me, don't know how old i am, what my name is or where i come from. they know me from me comments under their books. and they tell me that i'm beautiful and that they love me.
it's crazy how you can tell someone you love them and really mean it in some way and don't even know who they are the slightest. it's amazing to look at, for me.

my aunt said that i could study in iceland for a year if i'd want to. they have some good universities there, she said. i think it would be really interesting to study there. i don't know if i want to be an artist, a writer, a journalist or a teacher. i love drawing and i love colours and bodies full with colour. i would also love to write. books are my escape of the reality. my fear for both jobs is to suddenly don't know how to go further. to just sit there and don't have any ideas. to not be able to finish the story or the picture. i want to be a journalist, because it has something to do with writing. but the thing is, i don't want to write about culture or wine festivals or some boring shit like that. sport news, ugh. yeah, cool, mr so-and-so won this and that. wow, mrs blah-blah's life story is so gripping. well, if you wouldn't need a full page it'd be okay to me.
i want to write about interesting things in history or something. but i just don't know if i really want this my whole life.
i'd also like to be a photographer. get to see the world and get to show it to many people. but i will probably have to begin in a little photo studio and take pictures of thousands of schoolchildren. sucks.
if i was a teacher, i'd do much things differently. i want to be around a lot of people, children! i would love to be able to teach them things. to be the teacher everyone likes. but this is also kind of shitty.

i want to have a heart tattooed on my left or right breast, right over my ribs where the boob begins. then "sweet creature" on my ribs on the other side, a triangle on my right ankle, somewhere i want to have the first letter of my mum's name and i want some pretty, tiny flowers on my arms or maybe my ribs, too. maybe even my hips, idk. maybe a little rainbow somewhere.

02:30 am
i cried
i'm strong
i will be the person i want to be
i will get the confidence,
the bravery.
i will survive everything.

but still, life sucks.