TW: All triggers

Authors Note: Tell me if u want me to finish this!

You never truly appreciate something until it's gone. You can say that you appreciate it, but you don't. By the time it's gone, you tear yourself down bit by bit. Wondering if the loss would be easier if you just savored every moment just that little bit more. And it wouldn't. Trust me on that. I lost my mom, and even though he's still alive, my dad.

I'm Emily Reyes. I'm called Emmy. I'm 16. I am kind of short and thin. I have my mom's huge brown eyes, brown straight hair, fair skin, and puffy lips. I have been told I'm her spitting image. Well, not recently. No one ever brings her up anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that after she died, it's like she never existed. I think the only reason Dad even remembers her still is because he is still paying on her hospital bills.

Is that really what happens after death? You get shoved in a casket and tossed away to be forgotten like yesterday's trash? All of these thoughts 24/7 played a huge factor in me developing a sort of grief depression.

Chapter One: Now suicidal

"Bye, Dad. ", I whispered, knowing he wouldn't respond anyways. He lost his job after Mom. The bills were too heavy on us. We had to move from the sweet neighborhood where we had so many memories and I had my best friend Char. She promised to call and text, but whenever I check her instagram I see how she has replaced me. I was utterly alone.

I scratched at the scars on my stomach. I had been scratching so much I was bleeding and cutting my skin. I grabbed a knife and hid it in my hoodie sleeve, and walked to school. I suffered through five hours of no one talking to me yet again. Finally, it was time. Lunch was the perfect time and place to carry out my plan. I was going to be with mom. And if I was going to die, I wanted to make a big spectacle and get attention in my last moments. It might sound vain, but I'm just so lonely so I'll take what I can get. I pressed the knife against my arm and shivered under the cold blade. I looked around. No one was even looking at or relatively close to me.

I took one last deep breath and..the knife was grabbed from me. I let out a gasp, "I..I...I was.." The boy sat beside me and gave me a tight hug. I was shocked at first, but then wrapped my arms around him.

It was the first hug I'd gotten in a whole year. It felt so...comforting. And warm. And SAFE. After the hug, he stared me in the eyes. "What's going on?", He asked, like he actually genuinely cared! I was bewildered.

"My mom died.", I whispered. He bit his lip. "I'm sorry.", He said, "I have to get you help, though."

"That's not what I want or need.", I looked at my feet.

"Yes, it is.", He said far too aggressively for just meeting me.

"No, it isn't! I just need someone. No one cares. My Dad doesn't even care to remember my mom! In three weeks, it's her death anniversary! I have no friends. I have no one and nothing to live for right now.", I yelled, making a scene.

He shakes his head and slams the knife on the table, "That's not true! You have every reason to live! You need to live to meet the people that you want to live for!"

I was confused now instead of angry. "Why do you care?", I asked, "You don't even know me."

"Um, I guess I just think everyone deserves a good life, I guess.", He said.

"Well, thanks for saving me from doing something that I would definitely regret.", I swung my arms in front of me. We both sat down and he put the knife in his laptop case.

"If I don't go get the counselor, we have to become friends. I am working to be a certified therapist and I have taken classes, so I can help. But why don't you want to go to therapy?"

"I guess it's mostly because my dad couldn't really afford it right now, and I am already the weird kid..so I thought if I was getting therapy I would be an insane weird kid.", I picked at my hangnail.

"Getting therapy doesn't make you insane. It's an act of bravery to realize your emotions. And you don't have to do it all alone! Humans were meant to be sociable animals. We aren't meant to go through things alone. It's okay to go to therapy. It's okay to feel lost and sad. It's okay to need someone. It's easier to face your mental health than pretend you are ok. If it isn't exhausting hiding it yet, it will get tiring really fast., " He sighed and scooted closer to me, "You aren't going to be known as an insane kid. You are worth and are more than the darkness in your mind. Remember that."

"If you would go, I'm willing to pay for it.", He looked up at me. I half-smiled.

"Why are you being this nice to me?", I asked. He immediately became submissive.

"Like I said, I think everyone deserves a good life. And I just got a lot of money so it should be used for good.", He smiled, "Oh man, I'm sorry. I'm Toby Anderson. How about you?"

"Oh, I'm Emily. But everyone calls me Emmy.", I smiled. We quickly exchanged numbers and the day was over. I was alive, which was what was important. I couldn't get Toby off my mind, even when I was scrolling through my pinterest feed. He had olive green eyes that paired with his chocolate brown hair and tan skin. He wore an olive green sweater, blue jeans, and black converse. His jeans were too short, and you could see his fuzzy black socks. I pulled up his contact, which displayed a silly selfie he quickly took for his photo. I laughed and pressed the call button. It rang for a second, and then I heard him pick up. "Hey.", I said, "It's Emmy."

"Emmy? Hey!" He cried. We talked for hours about our lives and where we were each planning for after high school.

A few days later...

I had been sitting at Toby's lunch table for the past few days and made friends with his friends. Today was my first day of therapy and Dad was not happy when I tried leaving for the office.

"Why didn't you tell me?"He asked. "I didn't want to worry you." WRONG! I knew he wouldn't care if I told him and wouldn't do anything. "I can pay for it. You don't need your boyfriend to pay for it.", Dad pulled out his wallet. "No, you can't. It's a couple grand that you don't have right now. And he isn't my boyfriend." TRUE AND TRUE! He shook his head and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I sighed and left. When I arrived, Toby took my hand and squeezed it. "Nervous?"He asked. I bit my lip and shook my head no. "Emily Reyes?", The desk woman said.

I entered the little room and sat across from the man on a couch. "Hello, Ms.Emily. I'm Luis. So I heard that you attempted suicide at school?", He held a clipboard and a pen, the typical shrink supplies. "Yeah?", I swung my arm behind Toby. Luis looked from me to Toby, "Oh, are you dating?"

"No!", Toby and I yelled in unison. "Oh, ok.", Luis smirked.

"Ok. So, Emily, do you have any idea of why you feel suicidal?'' He asked.

"Well to start off, my dad's a jerk, my mom's dead, all my friends left, I'm so so lonely, we're poor, no one talks about mom and no one cares!", I said. I hadn't even realized I was sobbing until Luis handed me a tissue. "Hey-", Toby said, "I care." He pulled me into a tight hug and it finally felt ok to cry. Luis sat back in his chair, and after a while of Toby hugging me, Luis took my hand.

"Can I talk to Toby alone for a minute? The desk lady can fix you a cup of hot cocoa." I nodded and left the room. OBVIOUSLY I eavesdropped.

"I can really sense how comforting it is to her to be around you.", Luis smiled.

" That's good.", Toby crossing his legs.

"Did you think of Gabriel when you saw her in the cafeteria?" Luis asked.

Toby bit his lip, " I didn't save gabi. I had to save her."

"No. You COULDN't save Gabriel. You can't save someone who you didn't know you needed to save." Luis and Toby both walked out and I scrambled to a chair.

"Well, I hope you have come more to terms with why you are feeling this way.", Luis said, "Both of you."

Chapter Two:

My phone rang, and I have to be honest. I was praying it'd be Toby, and I was excited when it was him. I picked up with a chill "Hey".

"Hey. Want to meet at the beach? I thought it would be fun to have a picnic. The others are invited, too.", He said.

"Oh, sure! See you there!" I said.

AT THE BEACH...

"Hey!", I waved to Toby at the fire pit, "Where is everyone?"

"Oh, they all cancelled last minute. But we can still hang out.", He patted the spot on the log next to him. Oh god, that was such a lie. I smiled and sat beside him.

"I brought sandwiches and cookies and lemonade. Is that ok?" He smiled pulling out a straw woven basket.

"Oh, definitely.", I took a chocolate chip cookie and bit into it. I smiled at the skyline of oranges and yellows and pinks. "Well, this is a beach. I'm going swimming.", Toby laughed as he waded in the water. He winced at the cool water and stretched his arm out to me. I took it and he pulled me in.

I screamed as the water swallowed me. "Toby!", I cried realizing my phone was in my pocket. He laughed and splashed me again, "I'll get you a new one!"

I splashed him back which started a water war. Eventually, we were both tired and starving, so we made our way to shore. I took a sandwich and looked at him, "You never invited the others, did you?"

He lied down, "Um...no..." I laughed. We silently ate our sandwiches while staring at the sunset. Toby turned to me, "Emmy..I had a great time today."

"Aw, me too.", I said finishing off my sandwich. He took my hand as I watched his eyes get misty.

"Emily, there was a reason that I was being so nice to you. My brother-", He choked on his tears, "My brother, Gabriel, killed himself. He was only nine and deserved so much more."

I pulled him in for a hug and the tears subsided. The hug ended and he sat up. "I saved you and got you Luis because of Gabi. But coming to the beach and talking for hours on end, they were because I realized something.", He took my hands again.

"I thought that I would never want to live again. My life felt so..dark. And you became my light in the dark. At first, I didn't like that you came into my life. But now I love that you are here. I love....you.", I smiled at him, and