I just want one fucking good night. Is that really that hard? One night where things go the way I planned and I don't end up a crying train wreck. But instead, I'm saying and doing all the wrong things again, and the night went to shit again. 

I keep telling myself that I'm going to do better, that things are going to be better. But I always end up writing back in here because its the only thing that helps. Just screaming into the void, since no one reads this anyways. I don't know what I'd do if people did, honestly? I mean, when I first wrote in this, it was just a place to vent and maybe get advice. I even thought maybe I'd start getting better and show that it would happen eventually, but it seems like every entry is getting worse. But I keep writing and I keep making it public for any stranger to see. Because it really is the only thing that helps. I have to pause to think of what to say, and it always makes me just...See how fucking dumb I am every time for being upset. 

But, it keeps happening. Some dumb little thing happens, and I let it ruin everything. And because it made me upset, I keep letting more and more dumb little things get to me until all the big things I've been ignoring start popping out and I'm a mess. I try to just go numb, but when I'm numb I'm logical. And when I'm logical, looking at what I just did objectively...I think its dumb. And just like that the self lothing comes in and I'm not numb or objective anymore, I'm pissed and I hate myself. I don't know how anyone could like me when I'm such a piece of trash. 

That's how it is for pretty much everyone though, at least everyone with depression. We all fucking hate ourselves and don't see how anyone could like us. And we always get told that we're not as bad as we think, and I think that's true. I know that's true. I know I'm not the shitty awful person I see myself as. I know I'm loved but fuck its hard to see it when I hate myself so much. When people like me, let alone love me, its just so much worse because I want to know how badly I tricked them. How did I manipulate them into liking me? What underhanded tricks did I use? How many lies did I tell? And fuck, when people say they look up to me I feel like scum because I know I tricked them really badly into thinking that I'm anything to look up to. 

I just want to stop feeling this way. Medication didn't do shit, and I'm too much of a pussy to talk to a therapist. I'm so fucking scared of what one might say. I just feel like they're going to confirm that I'm trash. That I'm the cause of every bad thing that happens to me and that I need to change but I never will. Or, I'm scared the opposite will happen. That there's not actually anything wrong with me and that its all been in my head this whole time and I've just been making myself feel like shit. Or maybe they'll see that I am a shit person. Its all so dumb but that's the pattern. I get worked up over dumb shit. Dumb shit I did ten years ago keeps me up at night for hours as soon as I remember it, I spend hours crying over dumb shit, I put my entire night on hold because of dumb shit. 

I want to be alone. But I get so much worse when I'm alone. When I'm alone I pull my hair and scratch my neck up. I cry and I hit my head on anything I can because I just want to stop but I can't. And when I finally wear myself out, I just lay there totally numb and then I have the nerve to go on with my life like I didn't just have a full blown meltdown. I need help, but I refuse to get it. I'm just pathetic.