I keep telling myself that my next post on here isn't going to be so...Down. But, I guess I shouldn't expect that since I only ever feel like writing in here when I wan to vent. I'm pretty well aware that no one really reads these, so its...Just like shouting into the void. And I mean if anyone does read this, maybe I'll get advice? That would honestly be really nice because genuinely I just feel...So fucking lost most of the time now.

I've been taking things one step at a time in the real world. I've reconnected with some old friends, though we haven't been able to hang or anything because of...Obvious reasons. I'm working full time, working on getting into collage even though its late and just...Trying to keep myself breathing. 

But things with my anxiety and depression haven't gotten much better. If anything, now that I'm out and interacting with people face to face again they've gotten worse. I'm back to just...Imgaining my own death. Any time I have a spare moment, I just start picturing possible ways I could die in that moment. I know that's not normal or healthy, right? I don't even know if its anxiety or my depresson or both mixing together. My head still feels split? Like, I just have mental conversations with parts of myself. They all...Speak, but its still me. I know its still me. They just feel so detached sometimes. 

I'll be in the middle of a full blown attack, shaking and crying and clawing at my neck. Every bad thing I've ever done will run through my head and any self depercating thing I've ever thought is popping back up...But, right there beside all that I'm just thinking...This is stupid. Why am I doing this? It doesn't make sense. How big was what just happened really? 

I don't know if that's normal for people with anxiety and depression. I'm kind of scared to know? I don't want to talk to anyone face to face about it. I don't want to find out that I'm some kind of freak, or that there's more wrong with me then I've already been diagnosed. I know I need to see a therapist, but I've just...Dealt with things on my own for so long. I don't want to say I'm fine because I know I'm not, but...I'm good enough. I think about dying a lot, yeah, but I haven't attempted it. I've just...Decided that if it happens then that's okay. If I die young, then that's just whats going to happen. And, even though I don't want to...Maybe if I just die of old age it won't be so bad? Like maybe by then I'll finally have my shit together. 

But I always thought by this point in my life I'd be dead or have my shit together anyways. That clearly isn't happening. I'm just spiraling again, and genuinely wishing I could follow my own advice. I always give other people great advice for dealing with their shit, and when they follow it things work out...When I follow my own advice my life just becomes more of a dumpster fire.

I really want to get back into roleplaying with more people again. It was seriously such a great outlet but it got to the point where I wasn't able to find people who I felt relaxed roleplaying with that wanted to stick around with me. And I know I'm picky but...Genuinly a bad rp experience has the exact opposite effect on my mental state than good rps so I guess I can't really be faulted for wanting to be careful. 

I'm just...Tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically...Just tired.