My next entry in this was going to be happier and reporting that I felt better, I swear.

But because my stupid body decided instead of sleeping it just wants to suddenly start thinking of everything that's made me depressed in the last like... Seven years and sobbing, I need to get things off  my chest again.

I'm sorry, first off. I've had a few friends messaging me and asking if I'm okay. I'm thankful to know some of you give a shit, I really am, but I hate people asking me that. Because I can never say that I'm not okay, that I need help that I've been in a dark place and I'm scared because I'm not scared. I'll pretty much always say that I'm chill and doing better.

I can never admit that I'm good at talking people off the ledge because I have to talk myself down so often.

So I guess just... Don't ask me. If you think I'm in a bad place, just message me to talk about something completely different. Talk about shows, or a roleplay or music or dungeons and dragons. Anything else. Because that's what I need when I'm like that. I don't need some message telling me that I'm loved. I appreciate those, I do and don't take this as me spitting on those, but as happy as those male me, they also come back later and make me feel terrible when the self lothing settles in. Because I have people who care so much about me, but I can't give a damn about myself.

Anyways, moving topic for a bit, I have given the creepy man I see at the bottom of the stairs from three to four thirty in the morning a name. Kevin.
I hate that's the name I came up with for the hallucination\ghost\demon\whateverthefuck that makes me run up the stairs to bed as quickly as possible. I just expect to look behind me and see him crawling unnaturally fast up the stairs after me. Or that he'll be at the top of the stairs if I don't get into my room fast enough.

He creeps me out.

And I named him fucking Kevin.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Changing subject again--

I think I just give up on making new friends, especially on here. I've come to the conclusion that I just bore new people too quickly. Every fucking time I've started to get attached to a new person on here in like the last six months, they just stop replying to me out of nowhere by the end of the month. It doesn't matter if I approach them first or if they approach me.

I start to feel like I could actually have a new friend.

And they just suddenly ignore me.

I think the final straw was being out right ignored by four different people in the last two weeks. Yesterday in particular was rough because the message I'd sent was specifically to check if I was being ignored by someone I'd started to consider a good friend.

And then in the real world, I get to once again look forward to an amazing friend that makes me incredibly happy and gives me my only motivation to leave my house so I can fucking see them and have maybe two hours of happiness moving out of state.

Why do amazing people not want to stay in Indiana? I mean...I know why, but why do I have to like people who are going to leave me so much? It hurts so fucking bad to know that in a few months I'm going to be alone again. I know I have my friends who are in Show Choir at least, and they make me happy, but the choir teacher keeps them pretty much all the time.

She doesn't even give them a day off anymore, except the day after a competition which they spend sleeping.

All my other friends stopped talking to me years ago, or moved away.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Have I said things I shouldn't have? Am I just boring? Nobody is telling me if I am.

At this point, I'm almost writing all this in hopes that the people who have started to ignore me and who I can see leaving me see it and realize how much that shit hurts me.

But they won't because they're ignoring me and leaving me.

And if they do they won't care. Because if they cared in the first place they wouldn't be doing it.

I know I'm clingy. I know lately I've been depressing, I've complained a lot, I haven't been as motivated to be the happy go lucky advice giver. I'm fucking trying though.

But I'm at my wit's end. I'm nineteen years old and my world collapsed around me a long fucking time ago. So I ran away to a virtual world to cope and now that's falling around me too.

God I'm crying so much I can't even see to type. I'm barely getting any breaths in. I'm tired and my face stings and my chest hurts and I hate feeling this way. I want to sleep these feelings away but I can't. I want to talk things out but I can't because the people I want to talk things out with aren't talking to me and I don't know why.

I just don't fucking know anymore.

I want to give up. But I can't. I can't let the people who still give a shit about me down anymore then I already have. But I don't know what the fück people want out of me anymore.
I just can't.