Have you ever felt that strange feeling of pressure? Like you are carrying a heavy load you never get to see?

I don't know why, but I feel it. Every day, it stays the same. The horrible, yet soothing burden that scares me, but it makes me feel at peace at the same time.

Maybe it's the burden of responsibilities. I love the feeling of being useful, but at the same time, it weighs me down like a ton of bricks. But what explaines the burning feeling in my chest?

Maybe Love? It's such a great feeling once it starts. But love causes me too much pain to be my burden. Heartbreak after heartbreak made me feel loveless, and I haven't felt the spark in a year.

Maybe the reason is sadness? The sadness that lingers in the room everytime I see someone happy, because I can't be happy. All the secrets I have to keep, all the shit I have to swallow, all the tears I have to hold back day in, day out.

Maybe its fear. That horrible fear of other people. They can hurt me in so many ways, that I can't trust them. The fear of needles. Every time I see that cold, dead thing, I shiver in fear. I wish they all dissapear from my world. The fear od myself. I am so small, and so worthless, that even if I hurt myself, nobody will see me or hear me. I can hurt myself, like I do, with rude comments and insults.

Why am I so worthless? Why can't I get over my fears? Why can't I be good in anything? WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ALONE?!

And, the biggest question is, why do I have to keep this to myself? All of this, my fears, my weaknesess, my suffering, my joy.

I guess I am doomed to carry this invisible burden, all on my own.

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This little rant is how I feel, every day of my life, since 2012. I am sorry if this bores you, this was just my moment of weakness.

Ocean Fury- Febuary 6th, 2017