I hugged somebody today. Someone new, someone I had never huged before. It was nice. It was... wanted. But it was short. He hugged me because he had accidentally hit me in the arm with a ruler, and knew immediately. He hugged me saying "Sorry, friend. I'll be more careful next time." I hugged back. That hug made me feel valid for a few minuets. But then life continued, and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day. Sometimes I really want to talk to him. I don't know why exactly. Its a mess of emotions. I want to spend time with this person, but he has other friends that he talks to. One of the few people who made me feel preferred left. Now I just feel like a background character to every story happening around me. A side character only a few people like and has only gotten a few episodes in the series. The character that the fans want to make feel valid because they know her internal struggle while everyone else is oblivious.
But that one hug this afternoon. It was nice. I wanted another hug, or for the one we had to last longer.
I think I'm lonely. Very, very, lonely. But I don't want to talk to people. I want to sit in a comfortable silence while music plays softly in comfy chairs. I want someone new. Someone who hugs aren't already painfully familiar due to me seaking them out so much.
If one small hug can make me feel like this I must be lonely. Chasing after people I can barely talk to. People who are gone. I don't think this is good for my mental health. Its already spotty, I don't need something like this in my chest. But it's there.
That hug made me think of taking apart pens  and putting them in a pencil. Ink dots up your arm that won't wash off and now your arm is blue. The apologies the came with said blue arm. The gracious acceptance of that apology. The words of encouragement when I doubted myself. They mean a lot. I'm not sure if he knows.

Anyway, I hugged someone new today.

Take my midnight thoughts of today. (March 9, 2018) I'm awake and felt like writing this. Imma sleep now.