Why?
Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over??
Maybe it's because of feeling anxious or OCD......
Maybe it's because it itches
Maybe it's because of boredom.....
Maybe it's because I feel a constant need to keep my hands busy.........
But before I even realize what I'm doing it stings and I can feel blood and I realize what I've just done.......
And I remember
Why can't I do anything right?
Why did my stepdad die?
Why did two of my birds die in 2020 from my mistake?
Why can't I move on from anything?
Why can't I be happy?
I have everything I want and don't crave for anything more but I feel so empty or sad all the time?
When I hang out with my friends and cousins or write or watch tv or play games or draw.......
It goes away and gives me a beautiful illusion for a while......
But it never lasts but I have everything I have pets I have Fnaf and Undertale and Deltarune........
And they distract me but why am I not happy..........
And why do I bleed?
I keep anxiously scratching at the same spots over and over again......
So why does it bleed?
Why can't I feel emotions properly?
But why can't I just feel joy for more than one day?
Why is it so hard to be positive despite the fact that my life is awesome?
I can't be happy but I should..........
When they see my face showing no emotion or sadness they ask "what's wrong?"
And I say "nothing"
But in reality I've felt this way since I was eight and it's only gotten worse with more tragedy........
And how am I alive?
I'm happy I'm alive in some ways like I need to be alive to play games and take care of my pets......
But in other ways I'm not........
But after what younger me tried a while ago.........
How am I still alive?
But in a way I do have feelings like if I feel abandoned I get sadder........
Or if someone is mean I get really sad
And it makes everything worse.........
So remember.......

Always try to be kind even if you're having a bad day.

Author's Note
If you read this chapter I know I'm crazy and not in a good way and also if this helps you figure out why I am this way I have OCD and ADHD but I don't know why I am this way so if anyone knows it's greatly appreciated and feel free to tell me your ideas and remember to always be kind and also I'm gonna get to see my cousins today so that's good and also another lesson is that even if someone sees tough or emotionless they do have feelings in there somewhere so you shouldn't be mean and even if they're mean to you try your best to be kind but if someone hits you or tries to hurt you than feel free to defend yourself.