ANIMAL JOKES

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

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Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

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A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter."

Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I want a fur coat."

"Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise."

They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.

The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

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A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.

"Fish," he finally exclaimed, "Give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."

The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, by then the fish was dead.

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Two snakes were slithering through a field. One snake turned to the other and asked, " Do you suppose we are poisonous snakes?"

" I don't know", replied the other, "Why?"

"Well", said the first, "I just bit my lip"

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There was this man that had a dog. He came home one day, and his dog was belly up with its legs sticking in the air.

He wasn't sure if it was dead or not, so he took it to the vet. He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog is indeed dead.

He left the room and returned with a cat. He rubbed the cat in the dogs face, and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.

The man was upset and asked the doctor how much he owed him. The doctor said, "$550" The man was stunned. He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the visit, and 500 for the cat-scan..."

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Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

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A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"

The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.

The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.

Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!

A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.

The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"

"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

SPORTS JOKES

A man named Fred had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, right at center ice. As Fred sat down, a man came and asked him if anyone was going to occupy the seat next to him.

"No," said Fred, "sit right down. The seat will be empty."

"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would reserve a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and then not use it?"

Fred said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married nearly 50 years ago."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take her seat?"

Fred shook his head sadly. "No. They're all at the funeral

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Pat and Mike, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Pat suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

With his dying breath, Pat whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer."

A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat's voice.

Pat says, "Mike, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header."

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Q: How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

A: You rocket

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Q:What do you call a sleeping cow?

A: A bulldozer