If you don't get some of the jokes then ask me in the comments and I'll explain them. All these jokes are lame.

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Q: Why did the tomato blush?

A: It saw the salad dressing!

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Q: Why did the father wear sunglasses?

A: His son was so bright!

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There are three types of people in the world. The ones that can count and the ones that can't.

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Q: How do you fall off an 100ft ladder without dying?

A: You fall off the first step.

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Q: What goes up but never comes down?

A: Your age.

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Q: Why did the Chinese cross the road?

A: Because he Khan!

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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: To avoid what was coming around the corner, Thanksgiving!

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the house

Knock knock

Who's there?

Chicken

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Q: What did one lamp say to the other?

A: I feel lightheaded.

(I made that one up)

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Teacher: Stand up anyone who thinks their stupid.

no one stands up.

Teacher: I'm sure there's some stupid people.

Johnny stands up.

Teacher: You think your stupid?

Johnny: No, I was just sad to see you standing up all by yourself.

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Anna: Elsa, wanna build a snowman?

Elsa: No

A while later....

Anna: Elsa, do you want to build a snowman?

Elsa: No

A while later....

Anna: Elsa, wanna help me build a snowman?

Elsa: Nah

Meets Olaf....

Anna: Hi, did Elsa build you?

Olaf: Yeah why?

Anna:(o,o)

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Q: What's Elsa's favorite game?

A: Freeze tag!

-Minion Quotes-

Follow you heart but take your brain with you.

I'm not fat I'm just easy to see.

I'm not short I'm just closer to the earth than you.

Yeah, well I don't try to be awesome it just comes natural.

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Blonde joke

A man was mowing his lawn when his blond neighbor came out. She walked up to her mailbox and opened it. Then  she slammed it shut and marched back inside.

A while later she did the same thing.

Then a while later she did the same thing.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her what was wrong. She replies 'my stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail."

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the bayou bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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Recently a new neighbor, a blond haired woman, called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.

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blonde walks into Best Buy and asks the clerk working there how much the TV she saw was. The clerk replied "I dont serve blondes." Irratated she walked out and dyed her hair red.

Later she came back and asked for the TV once again but the clerk replied "I dont serve blondes."

She didn't understand how he knew but she left and dyed her hair brown and came back that night again wanting to purchase the TV.

The clerk replied once again "I don't serve blondes."

Frustrated she asked the clerk how he knew it was her and he replied, "Because that's not a TV, its a microwave!"

Kid jokes

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

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One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay.(He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there! He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

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A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.

"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.

"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"

The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."

Church bulletin bloopers

1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

part two

1) Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
2) Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
6) Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
7) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
8) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
9) Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
10) Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
11) Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
12) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
13) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

part three

1) The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
2) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
3) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
4) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
5) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
6) The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
7) The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting conference includes meals.
8) The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
9) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10) Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
11) Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
12) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

part four

1) Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
2) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
3) Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
4) The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
5) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
6) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
7) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
8) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
9) The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
10) Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
11) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
12) The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
13) The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

part five

1) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
2) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
5) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
6) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
7) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
8) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
9) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
10) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
11) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
12) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
13) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

School jokes

Once again, kids are smarter than they used to be. But they do say the dumbest things! Check out the wisecracks and wisdom below and you be the judge!

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

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Teacher: your late again, why don't you get an alarm clock?

Donna: I did, but it keeps going off while I'm asleep.

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Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

The Reply:

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

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A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that, the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . ."

The father dialed the same number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver was slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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