Couldn't sleep at all last night....

It's because I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts....

Most of them is part of my grief....

Let me be honest, I haven't stopped grieving about mom at all....

There are times where I'm okay but that's only temporary....

And there are times I have to pretend I'm fine around my family members and my bf so they wouldn't have to worry....

Not to mention I didn't want to make things harder for my grandma....

Along with the fact that I know my mom well and I know she would want me to join her....I know she's miserable up there....

And there are times where I think she's forgotten about me and the rest of the family by now because of the fake bullsh*t Heaven has....

They distract you with beautiful and fake crap and make you forget those you love....

....It's all my fault....

No....it's dad's fault that he took me and Jack away from her when I was 10....

And it's me and my brother's fault for not spending time with her or do the things she wanted to do....

But it's mostly my fault for not calling her often....

Now she'll never see me grow up....

She'll never see me accomplish my goals....

She won't be able to see any of it....