I don't understand it anymore
How am I so happy
When the people are watching
But I'm alone
When she's alone with her thoughts
She's not me
I don't know who I am
I don't think she knows either
Why can't she make anything worthwhile?
Why is it
That everywhere
She turns
There's someone better
That the only one who notices what she feels like
Is the one person she can't open up to
Why can't she be good enough
Why is someone always better
Why can't I understand myself
Why do I have to break down like this
Why can't it be over
Why can't I just understand myself
Why can't I accept myself
Why can't I believe in myself
Why can't I set goals
Why can't I complete anything
Why can't I be perfect at something
Why can't I do anything for myself without feeling guilt
Why can't I stop this
I don't want to hear these thoughts
But that's what keeps be sane
My heart hurts
I feel it
It's crying
But my head says it's stupid
Calculating the next moves
"Drag is gonna be here for you, if she reads this"
And now hay I've wrote that
"She'll say you're still good enough and put something that will be perfectly what you need to hear"
But I'll still need more
My head says I'm fine
But my heart is greedy
It can't be happy
Not with me
Not with anything
That's why I distract myself
These roleplays
These books
These friends
I dive into their worlds so I can escape my thoughts
I've done things I hate when I think too much
It was a mistake
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so secretive
I'm sorry I don't understand you
I'm sorry I can't do this
I want to have my life together
And tomorrow I'll think I'm not making any sense
But
Looking at this word count
I realize
All I am to you
Is a text
A little note
"TheMagicInside56: ~~~~"
And
I want
Everyone
To
Stop
And understand
That I can never be more than that
I'm afraid
Everyone
Everyone I've gotten
Gotten close to has
Left
Or
Got left
Torn apart
Somehow
And I miss them
So much
He was everything to me
The passion in my life
I wanted to love him
I wanted to know him
And it stopped
Because God thought it wasn't right
For me
But
I don't understand
I want to understand why He wants me to feel this
I know there's a reason
But
I can't think
I can't feel my lungs
I can't see anything
I'm blind
This world is not my home
But I'm forced to stay here
Again
Time
After
Time
I get let down
I want an escape
But I can't do that
I have to do this
Do that
And how bad does a world have to be
When someone feels as bad as I do now
Pouring everything they are into a chapter
And nobody has the time to read it through?