A/n: Now that you've had a world of hurt, it so continues to even worse heights. Things must get worse before they can get better. I'm honestly sorry.

WARNINGS: angst. Death. Rape. Torture. Kidnapping. Violence. Anger. Yeah I might get killed for what's about to happen but uhhhhh here we go!

Every time I close my eyes it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you, I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you, but there's no you, except in my dreams tonight.

"Hey, Beautiful." I looked over, my gaze finding the flirty brunette with the emerald green eyes and the chiseled features.

My first instinct was to shove him off. The way his eyes scanned me let me believe the only thing he had on his mind and I was on a mission. But then I saw Mitch. The way he took a double take, his eyes widened a bit and irritation making his body stiff. And suddenly I was driven.

Reaching out, my hands brushed along his arm. His hand was planted on the counter by his waist so it wasn't hard to do with how close it was. "Why hello." We started talking and flirting, him slowly growing closer and closer. His hand moved from the corner to my waist and I smirked. "Do you want to get out of here?" It was an information dive mission, with Mitch doing the work and me as back up. It was the first mission we'd had together since our fall out and he'd been glaring at us the whole time, bothered and anxious to get things done so we could leave. It was amazing.

Mike - the man I was talking to - was immediately riled and as I saw Mitch step away from the target, looking ready to go, I knew it would be good for me to leave as well. Mike pulled me close by the waist, filling the last space between us. "I would love to. Do you mind if we take my car?"

"Not at all."

We stepped away from the bar and he guided me to the doors.

Suddenly we stopped, Mike pulling me short next to him. Mitch stood there, so coiled and angry that it surprised me. I thought he'd be pissed that I wasn't paying attention to the mission, sure, but the way he looked.... he looked almost jealous.

"Excuse me," Mike said, motioning Mitch to move.

That only seemed to piss Mitch even more. "Get. Your hands. Off of her."

After a second, Mike scoffed. "Is she your girl?" Mitch recoiled and I tensed and Mike smirked. "Or do you just find yourself needing to be her keeper?"

Mitch bristled. "I said to get your hands off of her," he repeated. Slowly.

Mike laughed. "Make me."

I saw Mitch's hands curl into fists and I reacted without thinking. I didn't want Mitch to get hurt. He'd win, obviously, but I didn't know how good Mike was at fighting. I pulled away from Mike and got between them, my hand on each of their chests. "Stop!" They boy looked at me, relaxing. "Stop." Mike raised an eyebrows, looking between Mitch and me. I closed my eyes. "Come on, Mitch. Let's just- let's go." I turned and walked away, my head spinning. It wasn't nice anymore. It wasn't fun. It wasn't as good and exhilarating and enjoyable. It was sickening. Mitch followed me as my head spun, unsure with what had just happened.

Had he really been jealous? If not, why would he be so prepared to beat the shit out of someone who was willing to be with me? If so, why would he not be willing to be with me himself? Mitch got in driver's seat and I got in passenger. It was a long, silent drive.

Until I spoke. "Why did you do that?"

His hands tightened on the wheel. "You should have been focusing on the mission."

"The mission was over, Rapp!"

A harsh scoff came out of him. "He just wanted sex. You deserve better than messy one night stands. You deserve a guy who sees you as more than that."

"That's all you were. All you saw me as." The car jerked to a stop and he looked at me. "I mean, it was more than one night but-" Suddenly I was nervous and babbling but I thanked our lucky stars that we had gotten into the woods at this point and were on a road no one else knew about, because we would have been otherwise screwed when he stopped and then leaned over, crashing his lips onto mine. I froze, eyes wide as a moan immediately passed my lips without my permission.

His hand moved to my waist, pulling me. I moved over the middle section and straddled him, sitting on his lap. His head tilted backwards, head resting on the seat as his hands found my waist. My hands held the back of his neck, my fingers brushing the small hairs there. My waist rolled, rubbing us together. He growled.

My mind spun and I was drowning in his touch and smell and taste and feeling. And I was gone.

I don't wanna wake up from this tonight. I don't wanna wake up from this tonight.

Leaning back, I gasped. "We're doing this in your car?" I asked as he hiked up my dress, hands finding my ass far too easily.

He sighed, blinking. "Anywhere else you specifically want to do this?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. He was antsy and horny and distracted. His lips were swollen and his eyes were soft and swirling again like I'd only ever seen them when we were together like this.

When we were together.

I wonder if it was just a lust thing. Not specific to us being together, but when he was with any woman more than a few times. Had they glittered like melted caramel when he was with her, too?

A frown found its way to my lips and I looked away. "Why are we doing this?" Mitch paused, taken aback by my question. "Were you... jealous?" He huffed but I looked him straight in the eyes. My hands sought out his, grabbing his wrists and pulling him away from me, pinning his arms down. "Why, Rapp? Why do you want to have sex with me right now? Is it just the sex? Do you not like the idea of me being with someone else? Are you trying to prove something? Prove I'm still at your every whim? Prove it wasn't just a few nights for me? What is your GOAL here?"

His eyes found mine and he frowned too. "I don't know." I leaned away, a sneer on my face. He sighed, his hands curling into fists. "I don't know why. I- I just- I hate seeing you so upset all the time. I hate to see you in such a terrible mental state after losing me. Like how I was after losing... after losing..."

"Katrina?" I demanded.

He flinched. "Yeah." He opened his eyes, looking straight at me. "How do you actually love me after only a month of us being..." My eyes softened and I silently begged him to say it. But he didn't and I looked away, my eyes watering. He couldn't even admit it.

"You were the happiest time in my life. Being with you. It was amazing. I've been in love before but it never felt like that. Like I'd found a huge piece of me that I'd been missing. Like... Like I was complete. I guess it made me fall in love with you, that feeling. And it wasn't long. Like, at all. But it felt like we'd become one and then someone had torn you away from me and everything that you'd given me was taken, plus some. I felt stupid." After a second of silence, when I was sure my tears were gone unfallen, I looked back at him. "What was it like for you?"

Instant struggle and conflict twisted his face. "I... I guess... I don't know. Ever since I lost Katrina, it was like that. Like I was just remnants of a man, you know?" I nodded and he flinched again. "I just... with you, it was like that was slipping away. It wasn't the same fit, if we're using the idea of a piece of me being found. Like... like I'd lost my arm or had never been born with it. Katrina gave me a new arm but then I lost her and that arm went away again. And then you... you gave me an arm too? But it didn't fit the same as hers did. It was a different make and model and design and it felt different- I'm not good at metaphors. Being with you was good, but different then the way it was being with her. And I loved her. I really, really did. I was slow to fall in love with her, and even slower with you. And I haven't- I meant I'm not-" he cut off again, biting his lip. "It's hard to stay away from you though. And you worry me. It hurts to see you like... like this. And it kills me to see you walk away with another man. I- I want you for myself. And then when you brushed away our time together like it was nothing, part of me was terrified because what if you'd moved on? What if you didn't love me anymore? But also, what if you did? And you thought that I believed, really honestly thought, that our time together meant absolutely nothing? And then I wondered if it did mean something after all because I've been so busy shoving the idea through my head that it didn't because.... because it felt wrong, to move on from Katrina. It felt so good to be with you and it seemed like it shouldn't have felt that good." He huffed and I leaned down, pressing my lips against his.

The kiss was slow and long and passionate, nothing like how we'd kissed before. This was purposeful and calculated. Meaningful. His hands moved from mine where I'd held them before to around my waist and then behind, grabbing my dress at my mid back, clinging the material like he was clinging to life. He hadn't touched me in that way before either. It was desperate, but soft. My hands moved after his, my fingers finding his neck like usual, but then settling higher up so that my thumbs touched his jaw and part of his cheek. My thumbs brushed along his skin, the touch soft and smooth.

Our lips met again and again, without tongue or fire or lust. Just soft kisses that broke the space between us and held us together.

That night we did sleep together, but not in his car. In my cabin, tucked together in bed. And it was slow and meaningful just like the kiss was. The drive over was quiet as I looked out the window, a smile on my face that I covered with one hand as my other rested on the center consul, intertwined with his. His thumbs moved across my skin and he kept his other hand on the wheel and neither of us talked until we got to the cabin where it was an instant understanding that we both very much wanted that night together.

And, in the morning, I woke up in his arms with him by my side and it was...

As amazing as I remember it being. And then some.

There's no relief, I see you in my sleep and everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me. There's no release, I feel you in my dreams... Telling me I'm fine.

Arms wrapped around my waist and I screamed. I was being dragged backwards, the arms moving so one held me and the other moved so the attached hand covered my mouth. The last thing I saw was Stan getting dragged away as chloroform filled my nose and the world faded into nothing.

-

When I woke up again, a man stood in front of me. My head felt like it was filled with cotton, my brain moving as if brought molasses to process what was happening and where I was. It was hard to think, but I shook my head a few times and I was good. The man didn't look familiar at all and my eyebrows came together. He smiled as his eyes landed on me, the motion not at all welcoming or warm. "Aw, the Sleeping Beauty is awake!"

"Leave her out of this," Stan spat. His voice drew my eyes, which widened as I saw the bloody mess he was in.

The man chuckled. "Years of acting like you hate your students, especially to the enemy, and you're letting me know you have a soft spot for her?" Stan shifted, his face angry. The man stepped back and looked at one of his lackies. "Since Mr. Hurley refuses to give us the information through his own torture... Take the girl to the special room. Make sure he can hear her screams." Stan looked at me slowly but I only lifted my chin, solidifying my face.

They wouldn't make me scream. That was my goal. They would never make me scream.

-

Within minutes my body was shaking in agony and my tongue was bleeding with how hard I was biting it. The man torturing me told me the other man's name. Victor. But the torturer, he remained nameless. Though, he did mention that he was impressed with my stubbornness thus far. He'd ask me why I stayed so strong. How I did it. How I was so quiet. He teased me about kinks and sex and mused about touching me but I stayed quiet and strong against it all.

When he did touch me, I closed my tightly and breathed evenly through my nose. I'd never been raped before. And yet here I lay, tied down and at this man's expense. The man who was allowed to do with me whatever he damn well pleased. I tried to go somewhere where I wouldn't feel so sick about the situation.

It was his bedroom. Mitch's. We were on a mission and had separate rooms. This was a time after that night in the car. Since then, we'd been playing a game of cat and mouse where it was all new and slow and kind of awkward at times because he had to let go of his need to stay faithful to Katrina and I had to control my need to just have him love me aback already. But it was nice, overall. He didn't think about her like he used to, sometimes he'd just feel guilty and weird. He'd never lived this life without loving her and being driven by rage and hate and revenge. Now he had someone who could be gentle and loving with him and it was... weird, in a way.

We were official, though. Dating. No one knew knew but everyone suspected. I got better and he soon followed, both of us gaining more sense and caution and working together to become an unbreakable, unbeatable team.

So, for this mission, I had slipped in his room and was laying with him in bed. My body pressed into his side. There was no sex or dirty talk or playing around or anything. It was just him and me - both of us just appreciating the feeling of having the other thereby our side. My hand rested on his chest and the arm I lay on wrapped around me, his fingers mindlessly tracing lost patterns against the skin of my arm attached to the previously mentioned hand softly. His other hand rose, resting over the one I had on his chest. His thumb moved against my hand as his other moved against my arm. Our legs were tangled, him on his back and me on my side. My eyes were heavy and I was fighting sleep, but he stared at the ceiling, completely awake.

I think it was how heavy and still I was that gave him the clue. "Go to sleep," he whispered. "I'll be okay. You're here. That's all I need."

a soft sigh slipped from me, a sleep smile the only trace of it having happened after it stopped. "I love you, Mitch Rapp." He looked over. I hadn't said the words yet, specifically. He'd accused me and asked me and pointed it out and teased me about it, but I had not said those exact words in that exact order. His mouth opened by nothing came out and panic filled his eyes, but I was too far gone to care. Even looking back on it, I didn't mind that he couldn't say it back. He knew and I was being honest and that's all that mattered. I feel asleep in his arms, comforted by his warmth and heart beat, the smile still on my face.

The man chuckled in my ear. "You're so relaxed. Where is your brain, sweetheart? Where have you gone to escape where you are?" I ignored him and he sighed. "I have all day and a need only a man it's a woman at his every command can have."

My eyes opened and I snarled, spitting in his face. There was blood mixed in with the saliva, watery red spattering his skin. He recoiled, his hand whipping out to slap me so hard I saw stars, a small groan passing my lips and my jaw aching. After blinking a few times, I set my face and looked back at him slowly. "Do whatever you want with me you horny asshole. I won't ever scream. Ever."

"I'll make you give in," the man seethed. "They always give in."

A bloody smile took hold of my face. "I will never, EVER give up."

He sneered. "We'll see." The man pulled over a dagger and my face paled but I stuck my chin out. The man smiled cruelly as he placed the tip of his against my side. His wrist flicked and I hit down on my tongue again. My swollen, bloody, messy tongue that was already throbbing in pain. My face contorted but I didn't budge. This was like a paper cut compared to what he'd already done. He just wanted me to look in as bad of a condition as I felt I was. "Oh my. You are going to be fun."

Our eyes locked and true fear and raging determination made a weird combination in my blood, coursing through my body as the glint Of excitement filled his gaze.

"You're okay. I'll always be there to protect you, if for some reason you can't protect yourself. You're going to be okay."

Mitch's voice filled my head from one night when I'd woken up from a nightmare after a close call mission. Now his words came back to soothe me and I relaxed, determination taking place of any lingering fear. "Do your worst." The smile the twisted man wore told me he would be doing just that.

Every time I close my eyes it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you, I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you, but that there's no you, except in my dreams tonight.

It seemed I'd been here months, even though I knew that wasn't possible. Every second blended and stretched to feel like days but I knew they were only seconds, despite that feeling. Exhaustion, dehydration, and hunger mixed together and finally took over. The man hadn't left since I'd set my mind and he had accepted my challenge. He hadn't made any sexual attempts after his hands had felt me up in ways I didn't want to think about as he deemed that I could escape and handle it too easily. Instead, he'd gone back to worse pain than before. Deprivation. I couldn't sleep without getting ice water dumped on me or slapped just hard enough that the stinging brought me back. The slapping was gettin less effective though and my body had grown numb from the constant wet coldness.

He never made me scream, though. Through hunger pains I'd come to accept as a part of me and dizziness I'd grown a friendship with, I'd just give my same bloody grin that matched my slipping sanity as we stayed in our little room for what I thought was actually maybe three or Four days.

I'd heard that they'd moved Stan to another building after they realized that Mitch was on their trail. The man was just looking after my surrender at this point. But, even with Stan gone, I was still set. I wouldn't scream.

It's probably what kept me alive, really. Once I was broken beyond repair they'd have no use for me.

There was a commotion far away, muffled screams and gun shots echoing. The torture man paused, his smile fading to a look of confusion and intrusive as he looked passed me at the door. He paused, but then set the weapon of choice for today down. "I'll b right back, My Pet. Don't go anywhere." I spat at him but he just ignored me, moving away. I heard the door open and I melted into the table. I didn't know what was going on but I didn't care either.

I was so tired.

I was... was so.... tired...

After a second, there was a much closure explosion of gun fire just a few doors down in the hallway behind me. "RAPP!"

My eyes widened as my body demanded rest in the few second I would have.

MITCH! I screamed.

Sleep, my brain argued.

"Where is she?" Oh my gosh it was him! It was really him!

"You'll have to kill me." The voices were soft enough that I knew he must be three or four doors down. The walls in this place were thin but Mitch was screaming and the man who had tortured me was speaking as he was choking, so it was loud enough that I heard it just enough.

Mitch grunted and there was a sound of impact and a body hitting the floor. "Not yet. I need to find her. WHERE IS SHE?"

A moment of silence. "Let's check the rooms, Rapp. If she's not here, she's not here."

"SHE HAS TO BE HERE!" Mitch exploded hysterically.

As they all argued, I croaked his name. "M-Mitch...." My face screwed up but my breaths still hurt coming from my jacked throat. The voice cracks were too intense for me to speak around them and the lump lodged in my esophagus grew as it was backed up by words. "Mi-"

Giving up, I set my jaw. This. This was going to hurt.

I screamed. I screwed up my face, opening my cracked lips and ignored the white hot agony of my throat and pushed air as hard as I could. I screamed, the sound animalistic and wonderful after holding it in so long. I screamed and screamed and SCREAMED so that my body shook with the effort and tears streamed hot and fast down my face. The door slammed open and I stopped, my vision so full of black dots and blurry moving figures that I couldn't see anything.

There was a voice. A distant voice. But I couldn't make it out. Too much pain. Too much. I gave up right there, blacking out and being completely lost to the world.

I don't wanna wake up from this tonight.

When my eyes opened again, the world was too bright and white. After the dim room with the one weak light that I had gotten far too used to, the white walls and strong bulbs were too much. I groaned and twisted in bed. Someone shot up to the side of me and I recoiled from the person. "No- no more," I begged, my eyes watering. "I'm sorry I'm sorry no more please-"

Hands found my wrists. "Hold still, darling," a muffled voice soothes me. "I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Tears started falling down my face as I sobbed hysterically. The room was filled with more people and I was shaking in fear. "Everyone get out! I don't care if you're a nurse, you're scaring my daughter shitless. GET OUT! She was just kidnapped and messed up beyond belief I don't CARE about policy. You can TRY to escort me out ally you want-!"

I whimpered and the room grew silent. I rose my hands to cover my eyes. "Bright," I rasped. There were murmurings as the room emptied other than two blurry figures and the lights in the room were turned off. I melted into the bed, not relaxing but giving up. My eyes didn't hurt anymore.

A hand touched me and I flinched. "Hey, hey," the voice rushed. "It's okay, sweetheart. It's okay. It's me. It's Mitch."

Mitch.

My eyes widened and I looked over, blinking hard and fast to make my vision cleared faster. Mitch Rapp's face looked back at me, smiling softly and eyes filled with love and fear and worry and pain. My own eyes were wide and dry but his watered in relief. "Hello," He croaked, emotion snapping the words short.

"You're here?" I whispered. My stiff arms moved, my hands reaching out to wrap around his face. I touched him tentatively, shaking my head in disbelief. "You're real?" He nodded, his hands rising to cover mine as he drank in every second of my touch. He moved one of my hands, pressing the purple and yellow bruised fingers to his lips.

"I'm here." After I went to sit up, he moved to me instead, sitting next to me instead of hovering on his feet, bent over awkwardly. He leaned close, his forehead touched mine. "You were gone for one hundred and seven hours."  My eyes widened. Almost five days? "I looked for you every day. They kept you well hidden, most likely as leverage more than anything. After Victor was killed, all of his men went into deep hiding so it took us a few days to dig them out and some insane stops on my part - even with my standards. But I found you. And I'm here. And you're safe. I promise that I made SURE you were safe to recover. You slept 60..." his eyes looked at the clock. "Sixty-two hours straight, but you're okay and awake and safe and I'm here and-" his eyes softened as I took in all this information. "I love you."

Of all the thing he'd told me, THAT shocked me the most.

Pulling him close, I kissed him. He melted into me, both of us sighing in complete bliss. He suddenly pulled back, holding my face earnestly. "I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I love you. I love you so much."

I laughed, my eyes watering. "I love you too. I love you more than anything, Mitch Rapp."

He kissed me again and the world exploded in color. I didn't want it to end. So I sucked up every second and let it all linger. It felt amazing and eternal and I was completely happy. Finally.

I don't wanna wake up from this tonight.

Mitch and I had been together for a few months now. It had taken forever for me to fully heal and even now sometimes I still woke up shaking and crying. Mental healing was a,ways so much harder than the physical. I'd finally been deemed healthy enough to return to work about a month ago and we had just gotten back from my first solo mission since I'd been back. Mitch had been coming with me to make sure I was ready because he was protective.

Mitch had taken me on a date for celebration of the success and we sat now. We were in my truck, Mitch driving and me blind folded. The truck stopped and he got out, going around and helping me out. I stumbled and squeaked but he caught me, pulling me into his body and off my feet altogether as he steadied me. "There you go, Princess."

Chuckling, I found my footing again. "Thank you, Charming." It was our joke - Princess and Prince Charming. He kissed my nose. "Can I take the blindfold off yet?"

"Not yet...." he placed his hands on my shoulder and guided me. "Watch your step." I giggled as he paused so I wouldn't trip. Finally we stopped after he pulled me a little further. His fingers pressed against the fabric obscuring my vision and he pulled it away. I blinked and then gasped, my eyes shooting wide. The sun was setting, painting the sky in gold and pink and orange in a way that made my heart stop. We stood on a cliff, far enough from the edge to be more than safe, the sunset a glorious art work before me. My brain buzzed and my skin tingled and I was stuck in complete awe.

Arms wrapped around my waist and I rested my arms over Mitch's as he held me against him by my midriff. His chin rested on my shoulder and he sighed contentedly in my ear. After a second, I managed a breathless, "Beautiful."

He kissed my cheek, humming. "One more thing, Princess." I turned as he pulled away from me to freeze as he got down on one knee. "I-" he cut off as emotion clogged his face, his hand moving, shaking a bit as he pulled a small box forward. My eyes went wide and a strangled gasp escaped past my lips as I covered my mouth. "The last time I did this, it didn't end well. So it took me a long time to do again. But.... but I love you. And we've been together for quite some time now. We've been through... A LOT together, as well. And I love you. I've had days and nights with you and time without you and I have come to realize the only time I want is time where you were at my side, for as long as I am allowed to live this life. I wan you with me forever but if that doesn't work out... a life time will do. Will you... will you marry me? And take me as I am and be with me until we can no longer be together?"

Slowly moving to my knees, I grabbed his wrists, tears slowly trailing don my face. "Nothing would make me happier," I whispered, rasping. He reached over, taking my left hand and slipping the ring on my ring finger. And then he pulled me into a kiss so passionate and so heart felt and full of love and happiness that my head exploded.

With the sunset behind us, the vivid colors it painted around us, and the absolute joy in our hearts, it all came to a pretty end with a little bow.

No, not an end. A new beginning.

And so began the rest of our lives. Together.