Jealousy is a funny thing. I never really understood it. Sure I got jealous about things, but it was all silly stuff like "dang I wanted to be the red team" or "I wish my hair was thicker". I couldn't understand how people got jealous over people. My friends would fight about not getting invited to parties or people hanging out without them and I didn't get it.

But recently, I've discovered jealousy. I still don't fully understand it, but I know there's something.

You watch them laugh and share pictures of their friends and think "why can't I be in those pictures?"

You watch them hold hands with others and think "why don't you hold my hand?"

You see them on their phone, talking to others and think "why don't you put it down and look at me?"

The worst part is how petty you feel. I can't even blame them. As I think about it I see all that I'm doing wrong. I don't make the effort to hold their hand. I don't make the same jokes their friends do. I don't tell them how I feel. My self esteem tells my I'm not good enough and drowns out all the positive things they say.

I'm not quick witted or funny. I'm the bumbling idiot who is just trying to fit in. You see those characters in shows and sometimes the fans love them, but it feels different being them. Watching others bond so naturally as you can barely get a word out.

So what you do in the end is bury your feelings. You smile and laugh at their stories about their friends because ultimately you want them to be happy. You realize you can't stop feeling jealous, but you can let them be happy by not pushing your burden onto them. You choose to stay silent so you can continue watching them smile.