Trapped

Hide.
Run.
Hide.
Run.
Hide.
Run.
Hide.

They're coming. I can't move. Can't breathe. Can't do anything. This wall conceals what I've kept hidden for so many years. I've kept them inside and locked them away but now, somehow, they've escaped and I can't even drown them be caused they know how to swim. My demons.

The sky is dark and all light is cut off. It's cold and desolate. There's no clouds, no sun, no stars, nothing. There's nothing at all.

I hear a hiss. Then silence. Another hiss. Then the overwhelming urge to throw myself off a cliff washes over me. That's suicide. The urge to hide away from everything, colour everything black, cut, watch the blood drip and feel nothing. Depession. The urge to break down and cry. To shorten my breath, everything buzzes in my ears, I can't trust anybody. People will hurt me. It's scary. I can't do it. Anxiety.

Then there's the voices. The urges pass as the demons fade away and now I'm left with voices. They're the same voices I heard when I fell. The same voices I heard when I jumped. They told me I did well. They told me that this is the end and they were proud of me.

But they're the same voices that got angry. The ones saying  it should've been me. It should've been me that held the knife, me that slit her throat, me that should've watched as the light left her eyes and crimson dyed her albino skin. I should've have stood and just watched. I should've done it myself but I didn't. He saw me. He turned on me. He released them. He released my demons.

Broken

Now the voices are here. How'd they get so goddamn loud? I shiver and push the voices away with the wall. The golden wall. The wall of memories and happiness. The wall of hope.

They become faint and quiet but I know they're still there. I step out from the alley and gingerly avoid the bodies.

The bodies of the people whose demons got to much. They couldn't handle them and they snapped. Some had their demons break them and some broke themselves. Either way they're dead and all that matters is I'm alone. I don't know how many more people are alive but no one I care about at least.

In a world full of demons there's only one way out. Find me something sharp. A shard of glass sits in the road, thrown from the impact of the broken window. A body lies on the ground beneath, bent at weird angles and swimming in blood. These people obviously couldn't take it. Well neither can I.

Suicidal

I pick up the shard and think about it. Then I forget. The wall breaks down and voices come pouring from all directions. "Do it. End it" "no one will miss you" "We're all gonna die anyway" "Fucking pathetic!" Each voice makes another slit. Each memory makes it deeper.

"Do it. End it" his smile. One cut deeper. "No one will miss you." The way she smelt when she spoke. Another deep cut. "We're all gonna die anyway." The feel of her punches and kicks, layering one bruise with another like a bruise flower. "Fucking pathetic." Her laugh as her blade carved deeper and deeper into my leg, blood squirting, splattering her face. The deepest, longest cut going down.

Dizziness enters my head, knocking out some voices. Most just leave. The feel of the cool glass piercing my flesh, the liquid running warm, flowing out of the upturned skin like a crater, running out and down like a river. Beautiful.

Fucked up

I feel waves of depression battling with waves of anxiety crashing against me, they're close but I can't see them. Now the waves rise and shawdows burts through the ground, gliding towards me. More waves crash and they get nearer and nearer.

One shadow reaches out at me and like a bubble it pops out of existence. The others reach for me and depression touches me. It burts like a balloon and the others just pop. The voices are still floating around but these are new voices.

Voices telling me it's going to be ok. Telling me I'm not alone. Voices telling me they love me and they're sorry.

"Mum."

"I'm sorry."

"Mum I'm sorry. I should've stopped him. You shouldn't be dead. Don't apologise for what you did. Most of these scars are from myself."

"But I let him in. I let him in and he took my strength. He took the strength he needed to unlock the demons of the world. They're all gone now. You were the last one. The last one to have these demons. The last to escape and the last to die."

I notice something. She said they're all gone. But what about him?

"His demons got him didn't they. They wormed their way inside and took over. He destroyed himself. But he wanted it. I saw the look in his eyes. He wasn't angry, he wasn't vengeful. He was scared."

"He was scared of you my child. He was scared of who you would become. He was scared of who you are right now. Smell the air, look around, find a mirror. Look at yourself"

"What do you mean?" But the voices are gone. I'm alone. Think. What happened that day? Who had you just seen? What did he look at? What happened afterwards.

Oh shit. He looked behind me. My head hurt because it was too bright. My house burnt down. I didn't escape. I died in that house and became...

My reflection in a shop window confirms my thoughts. I became an angel no...a fallen angel. A ripped black dress falls to just above my knee. The skirt of it is lose and flows while the top is tight and fitted, hugging mg womanly curves. A singular strap wraps around my neck and a pendant rests on my chest. It's  large, circular, blood red pendant.

Falling

Wings spread out behind me. Silk feathers ruffle slightly in the breeze. They're the colour of ashes, but the tips glow a firey red. I can feel the heat of the flames consuming my body, swirling around me in a cylinder shape. If I look down at my hand I know what I will see.

It's a fire. The fire rages from my hand up my whole right arm. Embers float up to my shoulder and across my collar bone where they fade in with the light. I bright light shines down my left arm, shining on nothing. The darkness below clashes with the light above.

These are not regular tattoos, these are memories. Living memories and symbols of our struggle. The struggle of the Fallen Angels. I know there's more I just don't know where. Where can I be free?

"With us." I know that voice. "Devon what happened to me?" My voice wavers, upset and unsure. "We fell my angel. We fell and now we have nowhere to go. Some demons are still out there but only you can set the world free of them." Devon tells me. He takes my hand and pulls me to face him. He still looks the same. Still has the same lips, same warm inviting eyes, same raised cheekbones and cheeky grin. Only this time he's alive or...whatever this is. This time his face has colour and his eyes have life.

I wrap my arms around him and breathe in his usual lemony scent. It's still there under the firey scent. "I know, I couldn't get rid of it. I know you always liked lemons though." He chuckles. "Ok can you like fucking read my mind or some shit?"

Yes. So can you. Wow that was trippy. I know. "Devon make it stop. I don't like it." I whine and pout. "Wow the weight of the world is upon you and you still act like a five year old with a teenage crush." He chuckles. "Where are my tattoos?" He asks. He holds out his arms. They're still the same. Same inked up skin.

"They're still there Dev. But where are the ones like mine?" I ask. "That's what I meant. I don't have any like you. No one does. You have the weight of the world." Shit!

Ok calm down calm down its just a mis- "it's not a mistake."

"Can you get out of my fucking head," I snap. "I've had enough ok? I didn't ask to watch my Mum get murdered. I didn't ask to find my best friend dead in the fucking street surrounded by his family. I didn't ask to have the person I fell in love with taken away only to have him come back. I didn't ask for the demons. I didn't ask for the voices. I didn't ask to be fucked up. I didn't ask for any of this so can everything just LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK. ALONE!" I scream and scream with everything I have. I think of all the times she hit me, all the times she cut me, all the times I cut myself. I think of me and Dev whem we were kids, running around carefree. I think of finding them all, torn open, insides lying around them. I think of the blood and the smell and the vacant glassy look in their eyes. I think of the fire I died in. I think of watching her throat get slit and her body get slashed. I think of all the abuse, the death, the jumps, the falls, the hospital stays. I think of everything and just scream it out. I scream out all pain, all the hate, all the loss.

My legs give way and I collapse in a heap of feathers and black net material. Waves of screams ripple through the air flowing around the Earth, reaching every far corner, every continent, every ocean and everything in between. The waves die out and one singular star appears.

It winks and flickers. Then another comes along. The dance side my side in the indigo sky. More appear and come to life. My legs tingle and I look down to see that they have become the night sky. The exact same. The same colour and the stars shine brightly around my knees and ankles.

Dev crouches beside me and takes my hand in his. He raises it to his lips and presses a gentle kiss against my fingertips. "You did this my angel. All it needed was a little emotion and a little pain. You saved us." He whispers.

I'm still alone. I still have no one. Still  no one cares.

Dev opens his mouth to speak but I stop him. "Just get out of my head and leave me alone." My head is sore as I stand. I ignore the sudden dizziness and push past him. My feet carry me down the street and away from him. Not once do I look back.

Wandering