...

   I help out my depressed, suicidal friend... every time he makes me promise that I'll talk to him I ever feel upset. I promised. And I guess yOU CAN'T TRUST ME TO CARRY OUT PROMISES, HUH? EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS I HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO TEARS FOR LITTLE THINGS! I think, 'I should talk to him... I promised! But then I think, 'No. It's nothing anyways. Just crying for no reason. I have no reason to cry oh my god... Plus, he and so many others have it way worse!'

   First off, I started hiding any sadness.

   It started with my motivation drop after that. I don't know when, but my motivation for school work, writing, drawing, practice my music, and other things... It just dropped.

   Then my sleep got a little harder. I can still sleep, why the hell am I complaining?! My other friend barely gets any sleep!!

  Then I got more sensitive... the smaller things that didn't even mean anything hurt much more. God damnit I have no reason to be upset.

   Then I cried for no reason one night. I spent four, almost five hours, feeling terrible for no reason!

   Since then, up until now, I realized I feel upset/sad/angry for no reason, or a really small reason that doesn't matter a lot more.

   My Insecurities started worsening... I feel like I annoy people so much more than I used to.

   I then found out why I almost always had on my music/background noise. When it gets to quiet my mind starts to wander, eventually landing on my insecurities and ruining my day.

   I never really liked talking to new people before, but now it's getting worse, too. I go almost completely quiet at restaurants or in public in general. I usually have my hoodie to at least make me feel a little protected from everything else(it had that effect on me I don't know why...), but my parents won't let me wear it in Summer... I can see why, it's 100+ degrees Fahrenheit out. It was actually record heat for Oklahoma today.

   I've promised a few people to talk to them if I ever feel upset, but I broke that promise. Good job me...
I have a few friends who won't talk over me or ignore me, and I stick with them. Others do. And it makes me feel that much more annoying and alone... It got to the point to where I started texting my own number just so I could write it down somewhere.

   I help some friends of mine with depression and all, and even stopped suicide attempts. Every time I feel like this, I think of them and think of how much worse they have it.

   Along with my insecurities worsening, my self esteem has started crumbling, and I'm getting into a little of a bad habit. I've started to dig my extremely long nails into the palms of my hands or my arms when I start to feel upset, insulted, sad, or something along those lines when I'm not alone in my room.

   It was hard to write this... Extremely hard. I really don't want to publish this but dealing with and helping suicidal and depressed people has taught me to do my best to let it out; or let people I trust know.

But just know that I'm fine. I am completely fine, so don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

           .......

     .....

..

I think...

So you shouldn't worry. Don't worry about me.

See Ya
~Mystic