So lately, or rather, for about six to twelve months now, I've been asking myself a simple sounding question with a rather complicated answer: What am I?

Not in the sense of "I am a wolf on all levels except physical" (memes amirite), but more in the sense of "What defines me?".  You see, I tend to shove the entirety of a human being and all of its' feelings and interests and literally EVERY ASPECT of that person into a box with a label that breaks down everything that the person is and will be and was into a simple phrase, or single word.  

It's a bad habit, I know, but that's just me.

The problem is, no matter how many aspects the person has, I will break it down into something simple and short, I'll give them a "label" that ultimately defines them when in reality, it doesn't.

Like, for example, a good friend of mine.  (There's a 99.9% chance that he'll guess it's him but whatever {it's not you Bramble})  He's such a complex human being, with about a gazillion sides to him, and yet I managed to break down the entirety of his sadness and joy and abilities into two words - "reaction channels".  Whenever I think of him, that's literally one of the first things to come to mind, and I feel horrible about that.  He's honestly so much MORE than that, and my brain still just, discarded everything but that.

Another problem is that I do that to people, and I can't do the same for myself.

So for a long time now, I've just wondered what defines me, and it's weird because I'll think "oh, I'm Narcissistic, that defines me, right?" but then I'll turn right around and think "wait, but I'm such an empath too..".

It's kinda like a rubber band ball.

I'm the little core ball of being at the center, and as life goes on, I pick up little traits and stuff along the way, but in the form of rubber bands.  However, I never pick up anything that helps me see a pattern, or connection, or really anything to help me glue together my many pieces.

I just feel like I'm a lost cause sometimes.

I'm so many things all at once and it just feels like if I were a painting I'd have a negative and positive space background, and I'd have red, but also blue.  Purple, but also pink.  It would be defined, but also messy, and in the end it seems like it would just end up amounting to nothing and it would be just, beautifully horrible and horribly beautiful at the same time.

So in the end, I still haven't solved the question.  

I feel like it'll just go away if I stop asking what's special about me or whatever. 

So yeah, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.  I would take the time to write a "I'm not being narcissistic and/or an attention-seeking jerk please don't hate me" message, but it's currently really late for me and I don't care right now.

I'm a mess of opinions and thoughts and colors and so many things, and I don't know why.  

Bye <3