I hate screwing things up, but unfortunately, that's the thing I'm best at. It wouldn't be so bad if it was something like going to the shop and buying oranges instead of tangerines. When I screw up it ends up hurting, hurting really bad.

It's not the pain that heals like a scratch or cut. That pain comes from somewhere deep inside my chest, much deeper than it's physically possible. That pain also hurts much more a cut. When you cut yourself, you can hold your tears back but this pain from the chest is unimaginable.

That's how much it hurts.

There are rules I follow because of that. In order to protect that part I have built a fortress with those rules.

So far, I have been three times hurt because I screwed things up. I open the gate to my heart as the castle opens the gate to the envoy. I let feeling other than just cold calmness walk through halls of my heart. They warm me up, they cheer me up... and then as a king who says something he doesn't want to say, angers and hurts the envoy of the princess he fell in love with, destroys himself and the fortress he has spent a long time to build.

The first person I have hurt has been just a friend to me. As the time has passed I grew other feelings than just friendship. We were long distance friends and my mind went into a whirlpool of wondering what should I do. Should I be just a friend and ignore other feelings or should I give a try to the long distance relationship? During the day I would talk to that girl and during the night I would think what to do. In the end I decided on trying a relationship.

It was hard, I had no idea what to do. I told, no, I wrote jokes, I talked to her via phone calls, I even kinda enjoyed it. But night would be always the most troublesome. I dreamed of her and I would wake with a longing feeling.

I knew it will be impossible to touch her hand, smell her hair or kiss her lips. Yet, I tried, in the end I said something bad, no excuses even though my day has been bad, it worsened when she said that she had a boyfriend that could be beside her every day and that even though she had a boyfriend she likes, she liked me as well.

That day was the last time we talked in about a year. I couldn't bring myself to delete her number and then I received a message from her.

"Do you remember me?" She asked me.

I was confused as to why would she contact me. 'Why hasn't she deleted my number? What does she want? Has she broke up with her boyfriend?' Those thoughts floated through my mind.

"I couldn't bring myself to erase your number." I answered. "How is that you contacted me?" I typed that as I saw that she was typing something as well.

"I couldn't delete your number either. I wanted to know how are you, I miss talking with you."

"Really? Well, it's too bad that we don't have anything to talk about." I typed that with tears threatening to make a waterfall.

"I'm sorry for bothering you then." Was the answer I got. We never talked again and hopefully we never will again. That night was filled with tears slowly falling down my face while I slowly breathed, remembering her voice and the reason we fell apart. I don't remember when or how I fell asleep but my pillow was wet in the morning and a path of salt formed on the sides of my eyes.

The heart is not in the chest but in palm of our hand. We are always giving our heart to someone, waiting and waiting, waiting for someone who will take it and hold it like a child his or her favorite toy.

But very often, a person that takes the heart just throws it away like a piece of garbage. Then there are times when we are giving our heart to someone who will treasure it but we scare them and it slips from our hands and breaks. Such was the third time...

A girl started talking to me. I was wary of her because I have hurt two girls before her and hurt myself in the process. I knew I will ruin it in the end, but my optimism kept saying to me to give it a try, that everything will be fine.

I relaxed, opened the gates to my third-time made fortress and I was in bliss once again. It was amazing while it lasted. I started joking again and even though my humour is quite offending, she didn't mind it, she joked the same way as well. We called each other and she sang to me and her voice was like that of an angel, that's just presumption since I have never heard an angel but you know what I mean.

I fell in love but I crushed it again. I have never intended to make it sound like it has but it sounded the total opposite of what I wanted to say. We haven't talked for two days and on third she asked me should we start again.

In order to protect her from further harm, I told her that she will be better off without me and we haven't talked more.

In Greek mythology, it's said that human once used to have four legs, four arms and two heads. Humans were powerful beings and then Zeus, fearing that humans will overthrow Gods like they did to Titans, have split humans in two making us search for our other half eternally. Now with seven billion people, finding our other half is like searching a needle in a hay.

The second time was like that. I felt I have found my other half but the thing is, I was still hurt from the first girl and as much as I wanted to be with her, even though it would be long distance relationship, I couldn't. She asked me for a relationship. It shocked me. For full two minutes I waited for her to say that she is joking. My heart jumped from a cliff believing it could fly and then it remembered first girl and it's wings broke and started falling deep into the darkness.

I told her no because I didn't want long distance relationship. I wanted to walk beside her, to show her off to everyone. I wanted to be able to hug her, to hold her tightly in my arms but to make her comfortable, everything just so she wouldn't escape or even want to escape.

It was me who ran, not her. She was tricked the same way I was but she showed courage and tried trusting me. Instead of holding her hand I let her slip away and I fell once again, this time with her...

Three mistakes. I have shot my three chances. I can't trust myself or anyone anymore. That is one of my rules; everyone has three chances, if all of them are shot, I don't trust that person anymore, even if that person is me.

Now, I have picked the crushed remains of my heart and sew them on my palm so no one can take it, that way no one will get the key to my fortress and I will be invulnerable...

...at least I hope so...