Eternal remorse



Warning. It's sad and it can be pessimistic.  


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I've always loved the fact that I'm my father's only son.


In my early childhood years, this fact affected my understanding of life, and even my view of family relationships was shaped by it. Then I literally owned my father, my old friend, the 40-year-old man who tried almost everything in life but could not experience fatherhood before I came.


I grew up year after year to make it clear to him more over time that I was just a copy of my mother, the younger version, or as he used to flirt with me " the brighter version." 


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But everything has a dark face. I was his only, and he was the only one for me. Therefore, when he suffered from the disease, and had to undergo serious surgery on his weak old body, the doctor soon found no one but me to complete the procedures. I was the only one for him, I was the only one authorized to make a decision that directly affected his life, I was the only one who killed him. 



He entered the operating room smiling, and I knew that his fake smile, his smile, which he had gone to great lengths to form it, was only to console his only person..


I'm not that dreamy person, I imagined a lot of moments that might be the last minute with him. In fact, some of these fantasies were tragic, but I never thought that the last minute, the last scene, would be a tired face struggling to smile at me, smiling at his killer.



Today, I'm 40 years old. It's been 11 years since that moment of choice, that moment of criminality (after which I have not dared to make any decision that does not concern me), 11 long and cruel years, full of scary nightmares, the unjustified phobia of relationships, the longing with guilt shape, these years passed over me as a huge cosmic truck.


11 years have passed since I was accompanied by that smile, it never left me alone; like its builder. Despite the fatigue, numbness, pain and fear, he gave me this precious smile for a reason I didn't get to at first. 


Today I miss and regret, but that smile still comforts me and helps me face my days by relieving my sense of guilt.


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