Guys I might be having an existential crisis but I'm not even sure that's what it is at this point.

I'm not sure what anything is.

I'm confused.

Let's start from where the whatever the frack this is crisis started-

I discovered I was asexual.

Just to be clear up until that point I didn't know being asexual aka ace was a thing. I just thought I was weird or that maybe sexual attraction didn't actually exist and people were just exaggerating their feelings for people or something like that.

So then I start feeling more normal than I did before.

And then I started looking things up more on tumblr because hey who knows what else I don't know about myself right?

Okay so then I find out not everyone has romantic feelings (crushes love ect.) so I'm like "wait I have crushes."

Then I realize "OR DO I?" How would I know?

So I start looking things up.

After many many wrong guesses later I figure out that I am aroflux. My feelings fluctuate from romantic to aromantic. It's a freakin roller coaster.

Except I never noticed it until I started paying attention and now I'm a little freaked out by myself because ITS WEIRD! And a little torturous.

Trust me aro is better than romo. It's better.

But what would be even better is to not know what I'm missing when I'm romo.

So when I lack those feelings I don't even notice it. That's the scary bit.

So I definitely need to be on tumblr more right?

And then I do go on tumblr and people talk about gender.

I was very surprised at the number of genders there actually are.

Genderfluid demigirl voidgender pinkgender librafluid agender just to name a few that the dictionary on my phone denies even exist. Yes auto correct I notice the dotted red underline now leave me alone!

But okay how do I tell what gender I am? What if I don't have one at all and I'm agender? Like how do you identify that you don't have a feeling you never had?

But does it really matter? Shouldn't we just completely abolish gender roles? Don't they just cause us to judge eachother?

But then it's like well people are attracted to people based on whether or not they are of the same gender so maybe it does?

But people are expected to dress and behave certain ways based off of whether they are male and female and that's really not okay! If a person wants to wear a dress and have long flowing bubblegum pink hair and not have a penis and still identify as a man then he should be able to do so without being judged or told he's too feminine.

But then what did you do about things like bathrooms or dorms or locker rooms? I mean on one hand how is someone who pees sitting down supposed to use a urinal? If you go scout camping and there's a genderfluid kid who are they supposed to be tent buddies with?

I don't know what to do about anything and I'm very confused on whether or not I am a girl.

I don't think it actually matters I'll stick with identifying as a girl because I'm used to it.

But I don't actually know and not knowing things kills me from the inside.

Okay but enough about gender there's more to this possible existential crisis then that.

Why am I asexual? Why? What's going on?

Okay for basically anything humans feel or behave there's a scientific explanation. That is everything other than being anything besides a cisgender heteronormative person.

Like what point could nature possibly have for this.

Or maybe God just decided the population was expanding too rapidly so he decided to make people who wouldn't accidentally create babies by being idiots. I don't know. I'm going with that but it still doesn't make sense.

Nothing makes sense.

Then there's school.

Then there's a boy.

More on school and boys tomorrow though.

And also fish