t h e s e  a r e  s O  f u n-  LAURENS207
have fun jully! 🥺🥺

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John: Are lobsters like mermaids to scorpions-
Alex: John it's four in the morning-

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Alex: *bumps into a pole*
John: *laughs so hard that he bumps into the same pole*

***

John: You're so sweet and cute and precious-
Alex: I AM NOT SWEET. I AM DARK AND MYSTERIOUS AND DANGEROUS AND VERY PISSED OFF-
John: :3 How cute-

***

John: Why do you stare at me when I'm half asleep?
Alex: 'Cause you're pretty-
John: It's too early in the morning for you to be this gay-

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John, drunk: One day I'll be strong and punch the sun-
Alex: Uh yea, pretty sure that's not possible so-
John: I will punch it-
Alex: Look babe if you try and punch the sun you're just gonna burn your hand. Not really sure what you're expecting here-
John: I'm gonna punch it real hard-

***

Alex: Where are you-
John: I told you I'm at work-
Alex: Swear you're not at Chuck E. Cheese's again-
John:
*skee ball machine alarm goes off in the background*

***

John: You will not step one foot in this room Frances-
Frances: Okay-
[later]
Frances: *walks in on her hands with a smile on her face*

***

[airhorn noise]
[airhorn noise again]
Alex: What the heck John-
John: This isn't deodorant-

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Alex: John, why is there a big carrot in the bag of baby carrots-
John, shrugging guiltily: ...they needed adult supervision-

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Alex: One day I'm gonna get a dog that's a cross between a bulldog and a shitzu and I'm gonna call it a-
John: NO-

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John, trying to tell a joke: Knock knock-
Alex: Come in-
John:
John: You know what-

***

[Going somewhere nice]

John: Put your tie back on-
Philip: But it hurts my Philip's Apple-
John: For the last timE it's not named after each individual man-

***

[When Timmy was born]

Alex: Philip do you wanna hold the baby-
Philip: Okay-
Alex: *hands Timmy to him*
Philip: *holding him like a football* YEET-
John: pHILIP NO-

***

[At the petting zoo]

Angie: *sitting around with a bunch of baby chicks*
Alex: Aww they think you're the mommy!
Angie:
Angie: *picks one up and tries putting it in her mouth*
Alex: aNGIE S T O P-

***

John: YOU'RE SO ANNOYING I CAN'T BELIEVE I MARRIED YOU-
Alex: /I'M/ ANNOYING?? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CHEATED-
John: WELL YEAH BUT YOU CHEATED FIRST-
Philip: I think we're done playing Monopoly for tonight-

***

Alex, about to sit down with John for dinner: I'm just gonna grab a napkin-
John: *looks at Alex's fries*
Alex: /Don't/ even think about it-
John:
John:
John: *takes a fry*
Alex: *lunges at John* I SAID DON'T-

***

John: *rolls over to Alex in the middle of the night*
John: *whispers* Do you know the muffin man-

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John: *pats Philip's head* Pip, you're like a son to me-
Philip: Dad I'm your son-

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Philip: I drew you and Papa holding hands!
John: Where are our noses-
Philip: Oh, that's kinda part of my style lately-
John: Is not having fingers also your style-
Philip: *embarrassed* No I-I'm just bad at drawing hands-

***

John: Alex bought brownie mix-
John: Guess who's gonna eat the whole pan tonight-
Alex: Don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do th-

***

Alex: *sleeping*
John: *jolts awake* I forgot I still have chicken nuggets-
Alex: *wakes up* huH-
John: *eats the cold chickens from under his pillow and goes back to sleep*

***

John: I'm not a regular dad. I'm a cool dad, right Frances?
Frances: Please stop talking-

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Alex: When I said "bring me back something from the beach", I meant like a seashell-
John, struggling to hold a seagull in a bag: Well you didn't say that, now did you-

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John: How is the world's prettiest person doing today-
Alex: I don't know, how are you-
John:
John, voice cracking: F i n e-
Angie, misunderstanding from the other room: I'M GREAT, THANKS-

***

John: What state are you in?
Alex: Constant Anxiey-
Philip: Denial-
Angie: Perfection-
Frances: New York????

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Eleanor: So how's married life?
Alex: John got drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire-
Alex: He said "Good luck trying to return me without the receipt!"

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John, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume-
Alex: *grabs it and chugs the entire bottle*
John:
Alex: It's perfume-

***

John: You were hurt, what do you remember-
Alex: Just the ambulance ride-
John: We didn't take an ambulance, I drove us-
Alex: But I heard a siren-
John: That was Philip-
Philip: Sorry I was nervous-

***

[Driving]

John: You're going to yeet off at the next exit-
Alex: I'm going to wH a T-

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Alex: Ever since John learned "Stan Langauge", he's been going around the house talking as if he's on twitter-
John: Oof the call out sis. The tea is SCORCHING-
Alex: Please stop-

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John: Please revoke your no swearing rule-
Alex: Why-
Philip from the other room: Well that really DILLS my PICKLE-

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John: Remember that time you dared me to lick the swingset-
Alex: No, I said, "John, don't lick the swingset," and then you said, "Don't tell me what to do Alex," and then you licked the swingset-

***

John: I guess you could say I've-
John: Fallen for you- *winks*
Alex: You literally just rolled down an entire flight of stairs, how are you even alive? I-

***

John: I once ate a whole cake without knowing it-
Alex: I ate 9 cans of Spaghettios once at 3 am-
John: Fine, you win-
Philip: Are you two okay-

***

Alex, hoping for a normal day: Good morning-
John: I'm gonna try to become left handed-

***

Alex: I burned dinner-
John: Why??
Alex:
Alex: *quietly* So we could go to waffle house-

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John: I've only slept nine hours over the past four days. So I'm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown-
John: *bites phone*
John: This isn't a bagel-

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Alex: I currently have an empty notebook and no idea what to put in it. Any suggestions?
John: Put spaghetti in it-
Alex: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except you-
Philip: Put spaghetti in it-
Alex: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you two-
Frances: Put spaghetti in it-
Alex: I am no longer taking suggestions-

***

John: Koda is a purebred!
Philip, genuinely: Wow! A dog made out of bread-

***

Alex: We're going to put everything we love in a box-
Alex: Then, when we're feeling upset, we can open the box and feel happy again!
John: Can I put Koda in the box-
Alex: Nuh-uh.
Philip: Can I put Koda in the box-
Alex: No-
Frances: What about me-
Alex: Still no!
Angie: Can I put him in then-
Alex: NO ONE IS PUTTING KODA IN THAT BOX-
Koda, already sitting in the box: ??

***

Philip: Dad you're bleeding!
John: Quick, call me an ambulance!
Philip: You're an ambulance!
John:
Alex:
Frances:
Timmy and Angie:
John, shedding a tear: I'm so proud of you-

***