this is most likely how i'll be spending my summer lmaooo
enjoy jully! 🥺❤️
LAURENS207

***

John: Most dust is human skin flakes, therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day dust won't satisfy them so they'll rise up and devour us all-
Therapist: Can we go back to talking about your childhood-
John: One sec-

***

[At Disneyland on the teacup ride]

Alex, John, and Timmy: *spinning calmly, enjoy their ride in peace*
Frances, Angie, and Philip: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*

***

John: The Earth...is a cup-
Alex: Explain?
John: Holds things-

***

John: Well, change is inedible-
Alex: I think you mean "inevitable"-
John, spitting out a quarter: Nope. Definitely not-

***

John, having an existential crisis: Do you know what it's like to be afraid of yourself-
Alex, thinking about that time he ate 7 entire family sized bags of Doritos in one evening: I sure do-

***

John: Butter is just food lotion-
Alex: There's something wrong with you-

***

Alex: How to keep your husband from taking your hoodies? Buy him the exact same one-
John: Fool. Now I'll have two of the same hoodie-

***

John: How long are we gonna stand here and let him do that-
Alex: Just give him a minute-
Philip: *pushing on a door that obviously says pull*

***

John: What if we're always drunk and we drink to get sober-
Alex: John it's three in the morning, please sleeP-

***

Alex: Hey John, say 'who want lasagna'-
John: Who want lasagna- *hits his hip on the counter and drops Eleanor's freshly baked lasagna*

***

John: If poison expires does it become more or less poisonous-
Alex, on the verge of tears: Please, for the fifth time today, please stop-

***

Alex: Frances! Time to get out of bed, the sun is up!
Frances: So? It's not like I need to photosynthesize or anything-

***

John: L is for the way you look at me-
Alex: O is for the only one I see-
John: V is very, very extraordinary-
Philip from the other room: Egg-

***

Alex: *is sad*
John, breakdancing gently: What's wrong Lex-

***

Philip, obliviously: Which side of the family do I look more like? Yours or Papa's?
John: Um...Alex, what do you think-
Alex:
John, pulling Alex aside: So are you gonna tell him or am I-

***

Alex: *is sound asleep at one in the morning, as any sensible person would be*
John, screaming: F̣̮̙͈̖͉̥͎̂ͩ̎̉͝͞ͅĘ̪̱̪̭̘́ͭ̉̽̈̅͂E̶̱̱̣͖͉͖̮̦̲̾̈́͗̿D̬͓̫̪̝͍͓̻̒̍̔̍͛̐̀

***

Angie: We need WiFi-
Alex: Okay let's not get carried away. We NEED oxygen-
Angie: We HAVE oxygen. We NEED WiFi-

***

Philip: We can speak French-
John: No you can't-
Philip and Frances:
Frances: BAGUETTES-
Philip: FRENCH TOAST-

***

Alex: I love you-
John: I love you more-
Alex: I love you more than you love me-
Eleanor: I'd love it if y'all didn't do this in the group chat-

***

John: Let's open up the blinds, maybe we'll see some stars out today!
Alex: *opens blinds*
Frances: *standing outside the window*
John: *shrieks*

***

John: So basically, my plan for being able to keep up with anything for this entire month is just to not sleep, drink a lot of coffee, and hope the power of Halloween can get me through it all-
Alex:
Alex: Do you take constructive criticism-
John: Not without crying-

***

John, singing: I want to see my little boy!
Alex: *walks in holding Koda* Here he comes-
John: I want to see my little boy!

***

John, at the McDonald's drive thru with the rest of the family: Yeah, let me get 6 cheeseburgers, 6 milkshakes-
John, turning around: Philip, I can tell that's you. If you don't stop poking me, you're not getting fries. Anyway, 6 fries-
Philip: *continues poking*
John: Okay, you know what? 5 fries- *turns to Philip* 5 fries. You didn't think I'd do it, did you-

***

Alex: Turtles can breathe through their butt-
Philip: It's like a reverse fart!
Alex:
Joh: Thank you Pip-

***

John: *does something cool* Well am I "hip" now-
Frances: Please never say that. Like ever. Like, never even mention the word "hip"-
John: Oh, is "hip" not hip anymore-
Frances: "Hip" was never hip-

***

John: Do you mind if I take the skin off the Furby?
John: I wanna make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin the first step to enlightenment-
John: Also I wanna softhack the circus-
Alex: I literally could not care less just please never say something so terrifying again-

***

Alex: Oh my God, did you put glitter in our laundry detergent-
John: Oh yeah, I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one's called Sparkle Suds. Dress loud-
Alex: Will you stop putting glitter in everything? This morning you put glitter in the butter-
John: Disco Dairy. Spread the party-

***

John: I got the steak from the freezer-
Alex: Why do you have chocolate on your face-
John: It was under a chocolate pie-
Alex: So you ate your way through it-
John: I made a judgment call. You weren't there-

***

Alex: Alright peaches let's sleep now-
John: Okay-
Alex:
John:
Alex:
John: The snack that smiles back-

***

John: *finishes a roll of wrapping paper*
John: Oh cool a weapon-
John:
John: *bonks himself on the head with it repeatedly*

***

Alec: John made me call people and tell them he was dead to see how they'd react-
John: Is she crying? Is she crying?
Alex: A little-
John: *grabs phone* You should be wAiLiN g you
h O o L i g A n-
John: Now call my other sister-

***

John: Why do you have another hoodie under your hoodie-
Alex: I get cold-

***

Alex: *shocked* You have a fake ID???? With a fake name and everything????
Philip: *sweating* I-I can explain-
John: He used it to get a second library card so he can take out twice as many books at once-

***

John: Would this be an appropriate time to panic-
Alex: Probably. Maybe-
John: *screams*

***

Frances: What's that movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it-
Alex: Frankenstein-
John: Frosty the Snowman-

***

John: The human body is 70% water. So we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety-
Alex: Excuse me, with the amount of salt and alcohol that I consume, I'm more like an anxiety pickle-

***

John: What do you feel like for dinner?
Alec: I don't know... geh-no-chi?
John: *confusion* ge-what-now?
Alex: Geh-No-chi. You know, the pasta-
John: Erm...Lex, you know that's pronounced gnocchi right-
Alex: ...Say what now-
[10 minutes later]
Sirius: No really Alex. It's gnocchi-
Alex: But why would it be- Philip stop laughing and help me understanD-

***