hnnnggg ilovemakingthesE- LAURENS207
love u jully 🥺

***

John: Sorry mama, called you by accident-
Eleanor: No worries Jackie. Had you on accident-

***

John: We're screwed-
Alex: Hey I don't want to hear that defeatist attitude. I want to hear you upbeat!
John, in an upbeat tone: wE'rE sCrEwEd!!!

***

Alex: John, add 'zucchini' to that shopping list-
John: *writing* Z-U-K-
Alex: Nope-
John: Z-O-O-K-
Alex: No-
John: Let's get corn instead-

***

John: Why are there little handprints all over the walls-
Alex: *whispering* Why are there little handprints all over the walls-
Timmy: *whispering* Because I have little hands-
Alex: Because he has little hands-

***

John: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking-
Alex, patting him on the back: Well, don't think too hard. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself-

***

John: I guess I'm just too tough to cry-
Alex: Just today you were crying about snakes-
John, crying: They don't have any arms-

***

Alex: John that's not how you write a thank you card-
John: What's wrong with it-
Alex, reading the card John just wrote: "Dear Eliza, thank you so much for the lovely gift. If my handwriting looks strained, that is because this is the 16th thank you card Alex has forced me to write. The muscles in my wrist are cramping as I struggle to finish this sentence. Ow, ow, oh, the pain. Love, John"-

***

John: I've never actually been in a snowball fight-
Alex: Really?
John: I don't even know the rules. Is there like a point system, or is it to the death-

***

John: Don't try to butter me sideways.
Alex: That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said-

***

Alex: What's your blood type-
John: How would I know-
Alex: How would you not-
John: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner, discoverer of blood groups-
Alex: You don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them-

***

John: Smiling is also what I do when I'm not listening-
Alex: But you smile all the time-
John *smiling*: What-

***

Alex: John, I'm hungry-
John: You just had a burger-
Alex: Yeah but I have a separate stomach for desserts-

***

John: What do you guys say when you answer the phone-
Philip: Hey what up-
Angie: Who this be-
Frances: No he's dead, this is his daughter-

***

John: How do astronauts say they're sorry-
Alex: I know I'm going to regret this. How-
John: They Apollo-gize!
Alex: Get out-

***

[When a close friend/family member has a baby]

Alex: Philip legitimately asked us "What do I wear to meet a baby? Do I wear a suit?"-
Philip: I wondered if I should wear a suit because the baby should be impressed when it first meets me, right? Right? But then you said don't wear a suit-
John: Well, yeah-
Philip: Why is it so funny-
John: Because then you asked if you should wear something soft so the baby would like it-
Philip: Well I have to touch the baby. I mean you can't wear spiky stuff-
Alex: Your instincts, while confused, are also so sweet-

***

Alex: What are you, like twelve-
John: Yeah, on a scale of one to ten-

***

Alex: I know two people who can cheer you up-
John, sobbing: Ben and Jerry?
Alex: Ben and Jerry-

***

John: Philip, it's your turn to take the trash out tomorrow-
John: No Philip, put Frances down right now-

***

John: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want?! Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records?! I want a straight answer! Who did this?!
Philip: Frances did it!
Frances: Flip did it!
Philip: I didn't do it!
Frances: I didn't do it!
Angie: We're going to the dentist?

***

John: Do you want to hear a joke-
Alex: No-
John: Yes you do. Okay here it goes-

***

Frances: When we're at school, do you guys braid each other's hair and debate who's the coolest Jonas brother-
John: No, but it's totally Nick-
Alex: Absolutely Nick-

***

Alex: John why do you have your shirt off-
John: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one-

***

Alex: You need to start worrying about your own body. When was the last time you had a carrot-
John: Well it's my least favorite type of cake, so... rarely. If I absolutely have to, I'll just eat the frosting-

***

John, drunk: iTs sO sAd- *sobs*
Alex: What's wrong-
John: *points at fish tank* tHe fiShHh-
Alex: What's wrong with the fish-
John: tHey'Re dRoWniNg-
Alex: No they're not-
John: wE gOtTa sAvE tHeM-
Alex: JOHN NO-

***

Alex: The power went out-
John: Oh wait I got it- *starts shaking his whole body*
Alex: What are you doing-
John: I swallowed a glowstick-
Alex, on the verge of a heart attack: WHY WOULD YOU-

***

Alex: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?
John: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere-

***

John: So what do you have planned for the future-
Alex: Lunch-
John: No like long term-
Alex: oH...um, dinner-

***

John, texting Alex: a theif-
Alex: theif?
John: theif-
Alex: i before e except after c-
John: thceif-
Alex: no-

***

Alex: Last night I found out John is a sleep talker-
Eleanor: Oh, really?
Alex: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am-

***

John: What are we doing-
Alex: Wasting our lives-
John: I meant for lunch-

***

John: So I said to myself, Kyle-
Alex Wait, Kyle?
John: That's what I call myself-

***

[Watching a horror movie]

Alex: Are you scared-
John: In this economy who wouldn't be-

***

Alex: *Playing out of tune guitar*
John: Hey, you take requests?
Alex: Sure-
John: Please stop-

***

John: What's your biggest fear-
Alex: Being forgotten-
John: Oh that's deep-
John: Mine is the Kool-Aid man but I feel kinda stupid about it now-

***

John *Texts Alex about what kind of teddy grahams he wants*
Alex: honey
John: yea wassup-
John: just realized u were saying the flavor you wanted. not addressing me endearingly-

***

John: So I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast-
Alex: Are those gushers wrapped in a fruit roll up-
John: Breakfast burrito, but yeah-
Alex: I pity your dentist-
John: Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist-

***

John: Do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth-
Alex: You're a hazard to society-
John: And a coward, do twenty-

***

John: Hey, I have to ask you a question. Will you be my valentine-
Alex: We're married-
John: But will you-

***

Waiter: What can I get you?
John: Chocolate milkshake with two straws please-
Alex, blushing: Oh John-
John, sticking both straws in his mouth: Watch how fast I can drink this-

***

Alex: Who ate all the cookies-
John: Ninjas-
Alex: I didn't see them-
John: No one ever does-

***