these get funnier the more i make-
enjoy jully🥺

LAURENS207
***

*at a restaurant*

Alex: What's wrong-
John: *pissed because the kids menu came with a picture of a duck but they didn't give him any yellow crayons*
John: Nothing-

***

John: We ran out of coffee so I'm experimenting with new flavors and expanding my tastebuds-
Alex: Oh cool so what are you drinking now-
John, sipping from his mug: Straight Bleach-

***

John, poking Alex: Alex? Are you awake? I just had thought-
Alex: No. Every time you have a thought in the middle of the night it's the worst shit and I can't not think about it for-
John: Pangea did a huge cha cha slide-
Alex, after a moment of contemplation: Fuck yoU-

***

Alex: I'm worried about you-
John, dunking an Oreo in wine: Why-

***

*before they started dating*

Eleanor: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you're single?
John: Momma please don't do that...
Eleanor: You won't even notice!
Alex: Hey John what's up-
Eleanor: John's single-

***

Alex: What's a personal accomplishment of yours?
John: I have significantly more issues that Vogue-

***

*going out to eat*

John: Sorry I took so long, I broke down on the way here-
Alex: Oh, is your car ok?
John: Car?

***

Alex: Where's Timmy?
John: Wait-
John: Meow
Timmy, from the top of the fridge: Meow
John: There he is-

***

Alex: Guess who just got their life together!
Alex:
Alex: Not me, but someone, somewhere, probably-

***

John: Yeah I'll probably die alone-
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone-
John: Oh yeah that too-

***

Alex: *eating a cookie, vibing*
John:
John: Let's frame him for murder-

***

John: No problemo!
John, narrating: But it was all problemo-

***

[dating]

John: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Alex-
Eleanor, holding John's diary: You doodled your wedding invitation-
John: No that's our joint tombstone-
Eleanor: Ah my mistake-

***

John: Alex you're a tough one to figure out. You dont trust bad boys and yet you married one-
John: *blows on hot chocolate before drinking it*

***

Angie, writing a letter to Santa: Dear Santa, I am writing to let you know I've been naughty this year-
Angie: And it was worth it you judgemental basta-
Alex, taking the paper: Let's start again-

***

Alex: I'm raising four fully functional children-
Frances: You have four children we don't know about?

***

John: This is how I win-
John: *loses*

***

Alex: John can you buy this for me please-
John: Of course babE!
Frances: Hey you can't just pay for him!
John: Of course I can! I'm his husband! I can get him anything he likes!
Frances: But we're playing monopoly!

***

John, setting fire to a pile of clothes: And just like that the laundry is done-

***

John: I don't have time for this-
Alex: Time for what-
John: *gestures vaguely*

***

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?
Alex: Preferably with scissors but a sword could be badass-

***

John: We lost Philip for an entire weekend at the mall once-
Alex: He was living in the pet store. He was so happy there-

***

John: I found a note in the living room. Who wrote it and why is it so...obscene?
Alex: I wrote that at midnight in a Shakespeare rage, don't mind it-

***

Timmy: I need you to check under my bed for monsters-
John: Look kid, I appreciate your confidence in me but if there's a monster it's gonna kill us all-

***

Alex: John? Wake up-
John: 5 more minutes-
Alex: Come on wake up, I made breakfast-
John: Lies, I don't hear the smoke alarm-

***

John: On the day I was born, the angels looked into my crib, gazed onto my cherubic face and declared, "This one is going to be trouble"-

***

Alex: I love you so much. I want to hold you gently in my hands-
Angie: I will commit arson-
Alex: I support you in your arson go off queen-

***

Alex: Been thinking about my gender lately and have come to the conclusion that I'm sexy-

***

John: Oh I get it. It's "I See You Pee"-
Alex: What is?
John: Nothing. Go back to bed-

***

Alex: *places soup in front of Philip*
John, staring at Philip: Your drink has arrived-
Philip, glaring at John: Thanks, I'm going to enjoy eating it-
Alex: You guys are still on that?
Philip and John: Yes-

***

Alex: Someone in my son's class said they were "yandere for them" and Pip responded "first of all cringe, second of all red flag" and no phrase has entered my daily lexicon so fast-

***

Frances: You may commit ONE (1) crime-
John, intertwining his fingers in Alex's: Premarital hand holding~
Angie: IM GONNA COMMIT MASS GENOCIDE-
Philip: I'm stealing the Mona Lisa-
Timmy: I'm gonna eat raw cookie dough!!

***

Alex, eating cereal out of a plastic cup: I'm not admitting that I am short-
Alex: But I am going to need you to put the bowls on a lower shelf-

***

Alex: Remember, when you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig it up-
Alex: Follow me for more gardening tips!

***

John: The first time I ever got upset in front of Alex, he put his arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask him if he was hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me-
Alex: I was doing both, for your information-
Eleanor: That's nothing. The first time Henry hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn't make eye contact for like, a week after-

***

John: Isn't it weird that we can't ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren't a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn't ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn't really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses-
Philip: Elephants-
John: Blocked-
Frances: Camels-
John: Extra blocked-
Angie: Donkeys-
John: Ultra blocked-
Alex: That dick-
John: ...followed-

***

[sitting by the fire]

John: Isn't this romantic?
Alex: *looks down*
Alex: Your crocs are melting-

***

[when they were dating]

Eleanor: Okay, final question. You and Alex have a dinner date booked at seven. What time do you arrive?
John: Seven. AM. Check out the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, kill him. Dispose of the body, and no later than 4:30-
Eleanor:
Martha (sister): You're ready-
John: Really?
Martha: No. Everything you said was insane-

***

Eleanor: Why are your tongues purple?
Alex: We had slushies. I had a blue one-
John: I had a red one-
Eleanor: oh-
Eleanor:
Eleanor: OH-
Timmy:
Timmy: You drank each other's slushies?

***

John: Alex and I are so close we even share a toothbrush-
Alex: We what?

***

John: Philip, there's something wrong with my computer. It's so slow!
Philip, sighing tiredly: Have you tried turning it on and off again?

***

[3 am]

Alex, half awake: You're making too much noise!
John: It's not noise, it's music!
Alex: *sighs* Well then you're making too much music-

***

John: Honestly I don't even play an active role in my life. Shit just happens and I'm like "oh this is what we're doing now, okay"-

***

John: Alex is like an oven-
Eleanor: Explain-
John: Hot-

***

Alex: You're mowing the lawn?
John: No I'm giving the earth a haircut-
Alex, facepalming: Why do I even bother-
John: Remember, you chose to marry me-

***

John: It's missing!
Alex: What's missing?
John: The thing!
Alex, running around with baby Philip in his arms: What thing?
John: Oh there it is-
Alex: Oh you meant our cHILD???

***

John: I think we should have glowstick juice injected in our bones when we're born so if we break them there's a fun little surprise-
Philip: What's the surprise?
Alex: Blood poisoning-

***

Alex: You spent all your money on tH I S??
John, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this-

***

Eleanor: How high are you?
John: Mm, I don't know how to say it in feet-
Alex: No she's asking what drugs are you on-
John: Oh antidepressants, why-

***

[The TV freaking out]

Angie: Don't worry, you have to treat an electronic like you treat a patient on life support-
Angie: *unplugs the TV then plugs it back in again. Nothing changes*
Alex: ....if I ever end up in the hospital, never visit-

***

Alex: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd-
John: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can't just say blue because there's more than one blue-
Alex: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd-

***

John: hgwhhr gtb
Alex: ...I'm sorry, can you say that again-
John: hghehwnrg nor
Alex: ...Mmm-hmm... *secretly in deep inner turmoil*

***