i found more quotes-
also we're almost at 50
this chapter's kinda shorter but also chaotic
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex, reversing his car: John move you're in the waY-
John: Bitch I aM the way-
Alex: *presses the gas*

***

Cop: Who the hell ordered all these pizzas-
John: You said I had one call-
Cop:

***

John: There is no situation so urgent that it is worth waking me up-
Alex: THE HOUSE IS LITERALLY ON FIRE-
John, pulling the covers back over himself: Like I said-

***

Philip: I wish I was a dinosaur, no school, no homework, just extinct-
John, sighing: Pip we talked about this. Can you get out of the dryer please-

***

Alex: How do I use this inhaler-
Doctor: You suck-
Alex: I'm trying my best sorry-

***

John: One business pizza please-
Cashier: What?
John: Business pizza-
John: Is that not the opposite of a personal pizza-

***

Alex: You're a psychopath-
John: At least I'm on a path babe-
John: Maybe you should sort your life out-

***

[texting]

John: ¿
Alex: wait wait wait i can speak spanish let me translate
Alex: ?

***

John: So if your card declines at your funeral do they like throw you in the trash-?
Alex: Wh a t-
Philip: No no let him continue, he's got a point-

***

Therapist: Honesty is the best policy-
John: When you went to the bathroom I tried to eat your pen-
Therapist: That's- okay

***

Alex: Hey have you ever eaten a date-
John: What does that mean? Like ate their ass?
Alex: ...
Alex: I mean the fruit-
John:

***

Alex: Babe what are you doing-
John: *shredding his birth certificate*
John: Is it working-
John: Am I disappearing-

***

Security guard: Sorry sir, no food beyond this point-
John: But this is my service pizza-
Security guard: Your what?
John: My service pizza. Like a service dog but it's pizza-

***

Alex: Where's all this smoke coming from-
Frances: Our smoke machine-
Alex: I didn't know we had a smoke machine-
Frances: Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough-

***

John: Oh my goD you look so small in that sweatshirt-
Alex: Well the thing about that is I was small beforE I put on the sweatshirt-

***

John at 3am: Why did the chicken cross the road-
Alex: Why-
John: To bock traffic-
*Philip starts laughing from under the bed*

***

Alex: *walks into the kitchen*
John: *sitting in the fridge screaming as the toaster's on fire*
Alex: *leaving* Aaaand that's enough todaying for today-

***

Philip: You would not believe your eyes-
Frances: If 10 million car alarms-
Philip and Frances: Blared into the night as your tried to sleep-
Alex: This house is a fucking nightmare-

***

Alex: It's like my only talent is breathing :(
John: Don't be ridiculous-
John: You have asthma-

***

[proposing to Alex]

John: Sorry babe I couldn't afford an engagement ring so here's a meme I printed out and taped to a rock-
John: Marry me bitch-

***

John: Oh the sweet irony of his death, designed for this life, yet never meant to endure it-
Alex: What happened-
John: I dropped my goldfish cracker in the bathtub :(

***

Alex: *pushing a door that clearly says pull*
John: *filming him* Try pushing harder:
Alex: IT'S NOT OPENING
John: Fascinating, try again-

***

John: So if I've illegally downloaded a movie in the Bahamas does that make me a pirate of the Caribbean-
Alex:
Alex: I will set you on fire-

***

Alex, across the house: Who the FUCK pressed "less dry" option on the FUCKING DRYER-
Alex: WHICH ONE OF YOU ORDERED THE SOCKS MEDIUM RARE-
John: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I PROMISE-

***

John: This apple crumble's kinda gritty-
Alex: That's beach sand-
John:
Alex: And a seashell-

***

Alex: Did you eat all the powdered donuts?
John: *mouth full of food* No...
Alex: Then what's that on your pants?
John: That's cocaine-

***

Philip: Dad, I'm sorry-
John: I'm starting to think "Dad, I'm sorry." is my actual name considering how often you say it to me-

***

Alex: What do you call sabotage and vandalism?
Angie: A hobby-
Alex:
Angie: ....that I do not engage in-

***

Alex: Isn't it a little early for ice cream?
John: It's never too early for ice cream Alex-
John: But we were out of ice cream. So this is mayonnaise and black olives-

***

Alex: Alright everyone, I bet you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today. I have an announcement to make-
Alex, using a microphone: I'm gay-
Literally everyone: We know-

***

Alex: Is this real life?
John: Is this just fantasy?
Alex: No. Listen okay, I dreamed of meeting my best friend but apparently I already had. I supposedly stripped and had a pole dancing contest that ended in me grinding on said best friend. Now we're married and I'm confused as to how it all worked out so well-

***

John: Making my way downtown-
John: Walking fast-
Jimmy: Hey John wait up!
John: Walking faster-

***

John: *lounging seductively under the Christmas tree* Merry Christmas Alex-
Alex: Wha..?
John: I am a gift to you and to the world-
Alex: John you're on the presen-
John: Did you not hear me? I am your gift-

***

Alex: *to John, with a gallon of chocolate milk in his hand* Come here my pet husband, I have a drink for you-
John: *screeches incoherently*

***

John: Step 1: be straight-
Alex: *walks past*
John: Failed step 1-

***

John: *does a single push-up*
John: I could kill God-

***

John: Babe why are you posing?
Alex: Google Earth. Always taking pics-

***

John: *running in with rhinestones stuck to his face with eyelash glue* Check it out babe! I successfully bezazzled my face!
Alex: BLINK!
John: ... ow
Alex: Is that permanent-
John: I'm unappreciated in my time-

***

John: *on the phone* I can't talk right now, I have my hands full-
Alex: Get your hands off my butt!

***

John: Hey guys I'm making mozzarella sticks in the oven. I'm gonna take a quick nap, wake me up in five minutes so I can flip them over-
Alex: John it's been five minutes. Flip your mozzarella sticks-
John: zzzzzzzzz
Alex: JOHN YOUR S T I C K S

***

John: Teens are very much into the following:
John: *lifts a finger* Bullying me on tumblr-

***

Alex: You're a hot mess you know that?
John: At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks, and glitter-

***

John: I am an adult-
Also John: *buys whipped cream just so he can sit in the kitchen and squirt it straight into his mouth*

***

Timmy: Dad can you help me with my homework?
John: Yeah, just don't do it-

***

Alex: Why are you wearing jeans? We're going to the Y-
Philip: I'm wearing sweat pant jeans! They're fine-
John, softly: s w e a n s

***

John: You know who's gay?!
John: *smacks Alex's ass* me

***

Cashier: We actually have the chip reader now-
John: Oh yeah? *holds out a dorito*
Cashier: Oh it's not gonna work with that kind of chi-
Machine: Transaction completed

***

John: Hey everybody today Jimmy pushed me so I'm starting a kickstarter to put him down-
John: The benefits of killing him would be I would get pushed way less-

***

John: What the hell are you doing-
Alex: *in front of a mirror* I'm doing my eyebrows-
John: That's a big ass mirror-
Alex: I have big ass eyebrows-

***

Alex: *drops muffin* Oh man my muffin-
Alex: *bends down and hits head on table* Oh my heaD-
Alex: My muffin, my hea D-
Alex: And I stepped on the- on my muffin! And my head and my muffiN-

***

John: I bet you I could squeeze an apple until it exploded-
Alex: I bet you a million dollars you couldn't-
John: I mean well, if it didn't have preservatives-
Alex: Do you hear that in the distance-
John:
Alex: It's the excuse train coming-

***

John: *tips cup upside down*
John: This shit really just doesn't- I'm just like in awe, like that this shit really doesn't come out? Like-
Cup: *milkshake falls out*
John:
John: *screams*

***

Alex: *eating cereal*
John: *tries to pour cereal*
John:
John: Where's all the cereal??
John: *hits Alex with the cereal box*

***

John: *walking*
John: *falls*
Alex: Whoa babe are you okay??
John: *wailing*
Alex:
John: *scoops spaghetti back into pockets*
Alex:
John: *still wailing*

***