look jully we're almost at F I F T Y that's so crazy-
enjoY 🥺
LAURENS207

***

John: A cough is a crunchy breath-
Philip: A yawn is a boneless cough-
Angie, whispering to Alex: Call the exorcist it's happening again-

***

John: Babe you're not coming with us?
Alex: I'm not your father-
Also Alex, handing John a lunchbox: Now here's your crustless sandwich, I'll pick you up at four-

***

Alex: John if you drink that coffee you're gonna get jittery and anxious and you're gonna feel sick later-
John: Good bean juice tastes like chocolate milk make me go fast-

***

Flight Attendant: Are you comfortable operating the emergency exit door?
John, who just needed help with his seatbelt: Absolutely-

***

John: *eats the last cookie*
Alex: Aww :( I wanted it-
John, calling 911: Take me to Jail I am a Criminal-

***

John: What part of "I need to save money" don't I understand-
Alex, across the house: Why is there like four cases of koolaid in the fridge-
John: I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT-

***

Alex and John: 3...2...1...hAPPY NEW YE A R! *start kissing*
Frances: It's not even midnight can you stop kissing every time the microwave goes off-

***

John: THERE'S AN ACTUAL DEMON UNDER YOUR BED-
Alex: Are his ass cheeks fatter than mine? Be honest-

***

John: Ate you gonna finish that-
Alex: That's just the banana peel-
John: Yeah-
Alex: I guess not?
John: Thanks- financial reasons-

***

John: *has three bullet wounds*
John, at the ER front desk: You seem busy so when you're free perhaps I could speak to you about scheduling an appointment with the doctor- if he's not too preoccupied that is-

***

[thanksgiving dinner]

Philip: This turkey's dry-
John: So is your haiR-
Alex: Your kNEECAPS beg to differ-
Frances: All of you shUT UP-
Angie: THAT'S DISCRIMINATION-
Timmy: hAPPY THANKSGIVING-

***

John: How dare you call me unstable on this day-
John: The day of Koda's quinceñera-

***

Alex: I see how it is, Rihanna can wear a completely transparent dress in public and everyone loves it-
Alex: But when I do it I'm "wasting saran wrap" and "ruining easter Lex"-

***

[AU where John is a waiter again]

John: Sir that's nice of you to say but how would you like your steak-
Customer: I said well done-
John: tHAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY SIR BUT-

***

John: I told you, it was done in the name of science-
Alex: How on eArTh is finishing three boxes of kraft mac n cheese in the name of science-
John: iT JUST IS-

***

John, groaning: I think I ate too many brussel sprouts-
Alex: You ate 2-
John: Like I said-

***

[texting]

Philip: Did you know that minus four degrees looks like a guy pooping?
Philip: -4°
John: can you please remove my contact from your phone

***

Doctor: It seems your nervous system is functioning perfec-
Alex: Actually all of my systems are nervous-

***

[AU where John is a barista]

Customer: I'd like a mild roast please-
John: You've got really average ears-
Manager, quietly: Again with this bullshiT-

***

John: I will NOT be awkward today-
Someone: Hey
John: Good thanks-

***

Someone: Koda
John, vibrating at a frequency that could shatter glass: Yeah I love him a normal amount-

***

Alex: How was school today?
Philip: Good, we played a guessing game-
Alex: I thought you had a test-
Philip: Same thing-

***

Alex: Could you pass the salt?
Angie: Sure-
Angie: *moves the salt farther away*

***

John: Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don't even know it-
Therapist: Is this really what you hired me for-

***

Alex: Frankie what are you doing-
Frances, sitting in a circle of lit candles: I'm attempting to culminate that in my next life I will become a furby-
Alex: Forget I asked-

***

Alex: You've been watching tv for hours, why don't you read something?
John: *turns on subtitles* Better???
Alex:

***

John: Call me John cause I ain't Cena bitch worth my time-
Alex, from the kitchen: Babe! Your dino nuggets are done!
John: Ooh dino nuggies-

***

Alex:
John: Hey I'm free February 14 if you wanna hang February 14 I'm not doing anything February 14 just let me know about February 14-

***

[John as a doctor]

John: Are the results ready yet-
Nurse: You asked me that two minutes ago, be patient-
John: But I am Doctor-

***

Alex: Don't worry babe, don't let them bother you. You're so much better than them. You've got this- *points to John's chest*
John: Nipples?
Alex:
Alex: Your heart-

***

John: Do you think Chewbacca has pecs or a trail of tiny teats like a piglet-
Uber driver: Why did you sit up front-

***

[texting]

Alex: where are you
John: my limit. i'm at my goddamn limit
Alex: ...
Alex: i was gonna pick you up so we could go to mcdonald's
John: oh
John; im at cheese's house

***

John: *getting high for the first time*
John: You might as well go ahead and pronounce the L in salmon-
John: Nothing matters anymore we're all gonna die-

***

John: *burning sage*
Alex, having an asthma attack: *wheezing* I can't breathE-
John, eyes narrowing: I bet you can't demon-

***

[explaining how to make tea]

John: While you wait for your tea water to boil, reflect on all your regrets-
John: *sighs*
[83 minutes later]
John: *crying*

***

Spotify: *depressing emo song comes on*
John: a fucking BOP-

***

John: I wanna be a cool unshakable asshole but instead I do one nice thing for an old lady and have to struggle not to cry when she thanks me-

***

Alex: Animals will never go extinct as long as we keep them in our hearts-
Alex: And also don't kill them all-

***

Alex: Phew. I'm full. I'm going to stop eating-
John: I've heard of people doing that but I thought it was just an urban legend-

***

John: I made dinner-
Alex: ....how is it-
John: it's....edible-

***

John: How was school?
Philip: I learned about dragons-
John: Your class learned about dragons?
Philip: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing-

***

John: My anaconda don't-
Alex: *standing with his magnificent man bun*
John: My anaconda don't-
Alex: *ass as delectable as ever*
John: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns huN-
Alex: *has a bun in hand* Get your own bread!

***

John to the kids: You want to get out of doing your homework?? Try chopping your arms off! In class the next day when the teacher asks you why you didn't do your homework simply say, "I don't have any arms"-
Alex: I feel like there are a few other options to get out of homework-

***

Alex: Why are my hands so cold but not the rest of me??
John: The ghosts are holding your hands-
Alex: How romantic-

***

Alex: Do NOT offer me a big spoon if you see me with a small one. I know what I'm doing-
John: Can I offer you a smaller spoon-
Als : Absolutely! Finally someone with some sense around here-

***

John: HEY YOU LOVE ME?
Alex: YEAH-
John: YEAH?
Alex: YEAH-
John: H E C K  Y E A H?
Alex: H E C K  Y E A H-

***

John: If you think someone (me) is cute then you should tell them (me)-

***

Alex: *slides Angie $20* Please stop ignoring me-
Angie: Hey look $20-

***

John: Is that my shirt?
Alex: You mean OUR shirt???

***

John: I'm going to cut off my feet and superflue some wheels onto my stump legs so I can roll over annoying people's feet like Z O O M-
Alex: Can't you just put on rollerblades-

***

[cuddling in bed]

John: I'm hungry-
Alex: Okay, go get some food-
John: No I don't want to-
Alex: Okay I'll go get some food for you-
John: Noooo I don't want you to leave-
Alex: Well what do you suggest we do-

***

Philip: *sitting in the corner of the room*
John: What's up with Pip?
Frances: *eating chips* He only just figured out that you can't describe colors-
John: What? Yes you can- green as grass!
Frances: That's using the color to describe something else-
John: Okay, how about this. Red is warm-
Frances: That's associating the color with a feeling-
John: *staring off into the distance* O h...
John: *joins Philip in the corner*

***

John: I am a perfect angel-
Alex: I can guarantee you are going to hell just for the things you've said in the past 20 minutes-

***

Alex: Please come to bed-
John: One more episode-
Alex: I can't sleep without you. I need my personal body heater and cuddles-
John: *sigh* Okay-

***

Alex: The idea of consuming two conflicting things that promise to do the opposite of each other has always been hilarious to me. Like there's a liquid shot-based sleep aid called "6-hour sleep" and as soon as I saw it I immediately thought of mixing it with a 5-hour energy to have a 1-hour nap-
John: Mix NyQuil and DayQuil to create Quil-
Alex: What does Quil do?
John: All the time all the time-

***

John: *wins board game*
John: I am your god!!
Alex: Get off the table please-

***

Alex: Seriously, the worst feeling is when you eat pure artificial junk food for days and feel wrong, and then the only thing to do is to eat something natural and fresh then it goes away-
John: I once ate gushers for three days with only coca cola in between and my body just wanted more gushers. Do you think I'm dying-
Alex: John, I love you with my entire heart but you absolutely terrify me-

***

John: I just don't want you to leave me-
Alex: *struggling to untangle himself from John's limbs* Pleeeaaasee e e- Just let me go! I HAVE TO P E E-

***

Alex: What terrible sin have I committed to have to endure this-
John: Come on, it's only a ferris wheel-

***

Alex: *sneezing while running towards cat* Kiiiittyy!!
John: No, you're allergic!
Alex: Yeah but look how cute it is!

***

John: *picks up Alex*
Alex: Put me dow n-
John: What's the magic word?
Alex: P l e a s e?
John: Nope- *carries Alex away*

***

Philip: You ever have to shake your leg because there's a rock in it?
John: That's your bones-
Philip: Every day I learn some more-

***

John: On Halloween we dress up as skeletons, but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us-
Cop: You know you have the right to remain silent-

***

John: *holds up a picture of Alex* Do you see this? Do you know how much I love the most beautiful person on earth? Do you know how beautiful and complexities he is and the countless mysteries he holds?
Alex: *sleep-deprived, eyes bloodshot from staring at his phone all night, barely can create a coherent sentence*
John: CANT YOU SEE THEIR BEAUTY???

***

John: You can run-
John: You can hide-
John: But you can't change the fact Scooby Doo's real name is Scoobert Doo-

***