november was stressful so let's do some quoTeS :D
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: Are you okay?
John, on the floor surrounded by 37 empty gallons of milk: Too much of a good thing can be euphoric-
Alex: I think I'll just go get Eleanor-

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John, calling Alex: Hypothetically, do you think drinking 36 cans of red bull consecutively would make my senses heightened or would I just pass away-
Alex:
Alex: you what

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John on 8 minutes of sleep: Hello welcome to McDonald's-
John: I'm Chewbacca and the soup of the day is champagne-
John: How may I take your order-

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John: Sometimes I amaze myself with my wit-
John: Other days I put the laundry in the freezer-

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Jimmy: *going off about something*
John: You know Jimmy-
John: You talk a lot of shit for someone with a flammable house-

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John: What's going on?
Alex: IM DYING-
John: Oh-
John: Then can you die quieter I'm trying to watch this-

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Philip age 5, holding baby Timmy: Aww he's so cute! He should be a model-
Alex: Aw you think so?
Philip: A model airplane-
Alex: WAI-

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John: CUFFED spelled backwards is DEFFUC and deffuc I look like letting you hoes PLAY me-
Alex: For the last time this is Monopoly it's not that serious-

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Alex: I am proud to announce that I am officially a lost cause! :D
Alex: Thank you all for your continued support unfortunately it was all for nothing! :D

***

[spelling bee at the house]

Philip: Special. S-P-E-C-I-E-L
Frances: Sorry that's incorrect-
Frances, Angie, release the bees-
Alex, walking in: hEY NO-

***

John: *takes Alex's glasses*
Alex: wHAT ARE YOU DOING-
John: IM TRYING TO TELL IF YOU CAN SEE WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES-
Alex: GIMME BACK MY GLASSES-
John: YOU GOTTA TELL ME IF YOU CAN SEE FIRST-
Alex: OBVIOUSLY I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU-
John: But- but you're not-
Alex, to a chair: IM NOT PLAYING THESE GAMES-

***

Alex, zooted: I'm high right now but I'm pretty sure Jesus is in the corner of my room- *points to John with his hair down*
John
John: rest now my child

***

Frances: If I have to describe Dad, I would call him the walking Schrödinger's cat. Dead and alive at the same time-
Alex: That's...terrifyingly accurate-
John, choked up: Thanks FrancEs-

***

John, about his experience with kids: Once my baby was being really annoying so I put it in the basement but then I forgot and I decided I didn't want my basement anymore so I got rid of the door and then decided to do the rest later and when child protective services came, they couldn't get my kid so they just wandered around my house-
John: I'm talking about The Sims please don't call the police-

***

Jimmy: Tell John this-
Jimmy: *breaks into an impressive evil laugh*
Alex: I'm...not sure I can do the message justice-

***

Alex: Hey do you remember the time–
John: I remember everything that's ever happened to me and frequently wake up screaming because of it so yeah probably-

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John: I told you I'm fine. Why the hell do you keep asking-
Alex: You had 10 cups of coffee in 7 minutes-

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John: I'm sorry for breaking your glasses-
Alex: That's alright, I've seen enough-

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Alex: Sorry I ate your skittles babe-
John, smiling: I'm sorry I pushed you off the bench-
Alex: It's okay-
Alex: Wait when did you-
John: *pushes Alex off the bench*
Alex: I deserved that-

***

John, being carried out by security: WAIT! Wait! Alex! Tell this man that you know me!
Alex, lying: ...And you are...?
Security: *proceeds*
John: ALEX!

***

Alex: Don't play around with knives-
Alex: Unless you're recording it on YouTube for like, thousands of views. In that case-

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John: Damn this mac n cheese slaps your mom off the face of the earth and sends her hurling into Uranus's ear canal-
Alex, in tears: For the love of goD just say it tastes good-

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John: Would you like a drink-
Alex: What are my options-
John: Yes or No-

***

Cashier: Do you want a box for those?
John: Nah I'm not much of a boxer, can I just pay with my card-

***

Philip: I would describe this house as peaceful-
[across the house]
Alex: WHO THE HELL IS WASHING A WHITE SHIRT WITH THE DARKS-
John: BACK OFF HEATHEN-

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John: Did you know that raccoons can fit through a four inch hole? And did you know that your butthole can expand up to-
Alex, covering John's mouth: Anndddd that's enough from you today-

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John: The human equivalent of turkey stuffing is our internal organs-
Alex:
John: ...as soon as I said that I immediately regretted it-
Alex: I figured-

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John: You know what would be sO cool- attending your own funeral!
Alex: But...you're dead!
John: That's what they want you to think *wiggles eyebrows*

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Alex: Wow Frances your skeleton decoration looks awesome! Where'd you get it?
Frances: The cemetery-
Alex: What-
Frances: What-

***

[teaching Philip how to drive in a few years]

John: Did you know that if you press the gas and the break at the same time the car takes a screenshot-
Philip, excited: Really??
Alex: John get ouT I will nOT allow you to harm him-

***

Angie: Break a leg Pops! :D
Alex, about to go on a run:

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John: Do you ever get sauce on yourself while cooking and just wonder if this is how the food feels-
Alex: John w h a t-

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Alex: John did you eat yellow snow again-
John, throwing up: No-
Alex: Are you sure-
John: Yeah it wasn't yellow-
Alex: Thank goD-
John: It was brown-
Alex:
Eleanor: Should I call an ambulance-

***

Philip: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies-
John: Pip you're too young to have enemies-
Philip: You don't even knoW-

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Alex: What are you doing-
John: Helping Timmy look for his candy that I ate an hour ago-

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John: If you really think about it, cereal is just cold soup-
Alex, head in hands: *muffled screaming*

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Alex: You've heard the joke about the gas lighter yeah?
John: No-
Alex: Yeah you have-
John: I haven't-
Alex: You've literally heard it before-
John: nO I-

***

[when they were dating]

John, internally: Okay don't say anything stupid John-
Alex: The weather's nice today-
John: Thanks-

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John: My body screams vegetables but my heart screams ice cream-
Alex: Well what does your brain scream-
John: It just screams-

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Alex: Sweatshirts are probably one of my favorite things to wear. Like am I wearing a bra? Probably not cause I'm a guy but the mystery's still there-

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John: I woke up early for once-
John: What an achievement, I deserve an award-
John, pulling the covers back up: Award nap it is-

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John: Babe can I ride my bike outside-
Alex: Do whatever you want, I'm not your mother-
Also Alex: *running after John two minutes later* nOT IN THE GODDAMN STREETS-

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Alex: Gorgeous night for a walk-
Alex: *moves from the couch to a chair*

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Alex: Dust the shelf-
John: You come from dust, you will return to dust, that's why I don't dust-
Alex:
John: It could be someone we know Lex-

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John: Now that I have that under control, time to focus on other things-
Alex: Like what-
John: Eating cheese-
John: And giving hugs while eating cheese-

***

[AU where John is a server at a restaurant]

Customer: Can I ask about the menu please?
John: The men I please are none of your business-

***

Alex, drunk: So what's your backstory-
John, also drunk: Scoliosis-
Alex: That's crazy I'm a Capricorn-

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John: *breathes*
Alex: You think you're sO cool with your long legs-

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John: aLEX OH MY GO D THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR HEAD-
Alex, calmly with his eyes closed: i am just a lil flower :3
John: ALEX THERE'S A GODDAMN B E E-

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Alex: You have really pretty eyes-
John, suspiciously: Thank you..
Alex: *leans in slowly*
John: nO- yOU CAN'T HAVE THEM-
Alex:

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John: Pip why are you sleeping on the couch- don't you have a room?
Philip: I no longer have a room. It's the spider's now-

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John: If you cook your kale with a little coconut  oil it makes it easier to scrape into the garbage to make room for that quesadilla-
John: Follow for more healthy cooking tips!!!

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Alex: Started my juice cleanse and went for a hike yesterday-
Alex: And by that I mean I drank three bottles of wine and fell down the stairs-

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Interviewer: What can you bring to this company?
John: Hella good vibes-
John, pulling out a bird from his coat: And this seagull, his name is Franklin-

***