idk what to saY so here's a joke-
what do you call a chicken looking at a pile of lettuce
a chicken sees a salad

enjoy jully🥺
LAURENS207

***

John: You're so hot!
Alex: Can you please stop talking to your soup like that-

***

[when the kids go back to school]

John: I miss them so baD-
John: Last night in the bath I ate a whole box of taco shells-

***

John: Why does Philip have a bruise on his forehead-
Alex: We were at the park and I yelled "DUCK" at him so he quacked at me-
Alex: And then he hit his head on the monkey bars-

***

[at their wedding]

Priest: Repeat after me-
John: After me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after me after–
Priest, to Alex: Are you sure this is the one you want-

***

John: None of you ever stop to say thank you to the giant woman twerking to make the ocean work and it shows-
Alex: Do- do you mean the moon?

***

John: *writing in his diary* Dear Diary, today I cried. But that happens every day. So in conclusion: nothing happened today

***

Frances: Bet you can't eat fifteen crayons!
Philip: Bet you I can!
Alex: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

***

John: *dials 911*
John: Hey I hate to be that guy but I glued myself to the ceiling again-

***

John: Don't go into the kitchen-
Alex: Why?
John: I saw a spider-
Alex: Well did you kill it?
John: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair-

***

Alex: I fell-
John: From heaven?
Alex: No I literally fell-
John: In love with me the moment you saw me?
Alex: MY ARM IS BROKEN-
John: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest-

***

Alex: Are you drinking enough water?
John: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth-

***

Frances: I'm so tired of the "not like other girls" mentality or making fun of people for having traits and interests that are generally deemed as "feminine". Screw that! I'm just like other girls.
Frances: I love putting on makeup. I love wearing skirts-
Frances: I love committing arson. I love playing cards with the giant lizard that lives in the sewers. I love visting the witch in the enchanted forest and collecting mushrooms with her-
Frances: And, I love the color pink. Just like other girls-
Alex: O h-

***

John: We're out of eggs again!
Alex: It's okay, there's cereal-
[later]
John: *throwing Cheerios at Jimmy's house with Philip* This sucks-

***

Alex: I don't know what's more pathetic. The fact that you picked a fight with a bunch of children on a playground, or the fact that you lost-
John: They had superior numbers and no mercy-

***

Alex: The power went out-
Angie: Oh wait I got this!
Angie: *sets fire to nearby table*
Alex, visibly concerned: ANGIE STOP-

***

Philip: So we just snorted a ton of sherbet-
John: What? Why?
Philip: To see if we could get sugar high-
John:
Philip: Anyway my heart is beating really weird-
Frances: We need you to drive us to the hospital-

***

John: You know, sharks are like sea puppies-
Alex: They eat people-
John: Bitey sea puppies-

***

[homework time]

Alex: Okay, let's say Dad has 19 bottles of soap and he gives-
Philip: Wait why does Dad have so much soap?
John: Mind your business Pip-

***

John: How much for the baby dragon-
Store Clerk: ...those are lizards-
John, not paying attention: So when do they start breathing fire-

***

Alex: Why are you here?
Eleanor: Frances texted me and said John got hurt, so I brought chicken nuggets-
Frances: Why?
Eleanor: John loves chicken nuggets-
Alex:
Philip:
Frances:
Angie:
Timmy:
John: *sobs and hugs chicken nuggets*

***

Alex, using a knife to unscrew a screw: You know, they say use a Philips head screwdriver, but they also say you should pay attention in your social studies class. But that didn't happen! Now I don't know where New Mexico is-

***

John, singing to the kids: My grandpa has a nose and my grandma has a nose, everyone you know has a nose nose nose!
Angie: Grandpa's nose was blown off in the war so that song is a filthy lie-

***

Alex: Why are you upside down-
John, upside down: Why are you rightside up-

***

John, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmmm...I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are-
Alex: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING-

***

John: Alex often tells me that violence isn't the answer-
John: But life is multiple choice and I choose violence-

***

Alex: Why are you eating frozen pizza-
John: What do you mean, this is my lunch-
Alex: It's... still frozen?
John: This is how you eat it, it's called frozen for a reason-

***

Philip: Hey Dad? I just have one question-
John: What is it Pip?
Philip: What color is an orange?
John: Pip you bonehead. Its color is the same as its name. Just like a lemon-

***

John: We're throwing a surprise party for Jimmy-
Alex: Don't you hate Jimmy?
John: *filling balloons with bees* Yes-

***

Alex: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire-
Angie: But what if something else happens just this one time-

***

John, texting Eleanor: help momma i'm being kidnapped!!!
Eleanor: Where are you?
John: i'm with some strange person. in a car. help
Eleanor: I'll call Alex
Alex, answering his phone: Y'ello?
Eleanor: Where's John? He texted me that he was being kidnapped-
Alex: John? Whaddya mean, he's right next to me-
Alex:
Alex: I'll call you back-
Alex: *hangs up*
Alex: MY NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD-
John, sobbing: WHO ARE YO U-

***

John: I've only said "I love you" to three people in my whole life: my momma, Alex, and a guy in a dark alley that I mistook for Alex-

***

Alex: I have very high standards-
John: *trips over his own feet, drops a large pile of laundry, is unable to untangle himself from the clothes*
Alex: Oh my god he's meeting all my standards-

***

John: *internally while someones talking to them* wow they Really Think I kno wats goin on rn-

***

Alex: Do you take constructive criticism-
John: *already crying* Sure what's up-

***

Alex, shivering: I'm so cold-
John, wearing two jackets and a scarf: *sips wine* It's 'cause you didn't bring a jacket-

***

[when Alex goes away for the weekend]

Alex: So, you're gonna be fine on your own?
John: Please, I love being alone! I actually have a bunch of things to do without you sweetheart-
Alex: *laughs* Okay, see you in a couple of days-
[3 hours later]
Alex, on the phone: Hello?
John: *crying* I'm so lonely! I t-tried hugging a pillow BUT THEY DON'T HUG ME BAC K-

***

Alex: I want you to look me straight in the eyes-
John: You can't have me look at those eyes and expect me to be straight-

***

Alex: Oh John, the uh-
John:
John: Why'd you call me John?
John: What's wrong?
Alex: Nothing-
John: That's not my name-
Alex: What's your name?
John: It's baby-
Alex: Ok-

***

Radio: I...don't want a lot for Christmas...
John, kicking down the door: THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED-
Alex: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS-
John: UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE-
Frances to Philip: What-

***

John: THAT'S IT!! I'M GOING TO CUT OFF MY EAR, VAN GOGH STYL E-
Alex: Jesus babe. What happened-
John: I got water in my ear and I can't get it out-

***

Alex, about to go run errands: I'm putting Frances in charge-
Angie: Why Frances?
Alex: Because I don't trust you or Timmy, Philip's not too smart and your dad's a bit of a push over-

***

Alex: Now that I have your attention-
John: You don't have my attention-
Alex: Mac n cheese-
John: I'm listening-

***

Philip: How am I supposed to do this art assignment in one day I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio-
John: Ah yes, not to be confused with award winning actor Leonardo Da Vinci-

***

Alex: With all due respect peaches, I don't think that your idea of replacing all the stairs in the house with water slides is gonna work-
John: With all due respect babe, I do what I want-

***

Alex: Why is there a bouncy castle in our backyard?
John: *out of breath and with no shoes on* I'm not sure-

***

John: *comes out of the closet*
John: *trips*

***

Alex: The kids are screaming and shouting outside, don't you think you should do something?
John: You're right, I should-
John: *closes the window*

***

Alex, on the phone: Babe where are you exactly-
John: I got lost-
Alex: No shit Sherlock, but can you tell me maybe a street name?
John: I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion-
Alex: I need you to be more specific-
John: Simba-

***

John: Why are balloons so expensive?
Alex:
John: Inflation-

***

John, coming home from work: Work today was really tough-
Frances: So is life-
Frances: And then you die-

***

John: I spoke for 15 seconds in a zoom lecture and my hands haven't stopped shaking for 5 minutes-

***

Stuffed animal: *has fur covering its eyes*
Alex: *gently fixes it* There you go, now you can see-

***

Alex: I'm perfectly capable of getting dinner on the table!
Alex: *on the phone* Hello, Mario's Pizza? Do you deliver?

***

John: *panicking because of an upcoming work presentation*
Alex: Babe, look at me. You are going to do great with your presentation. And if you don't, I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you-
John: Aw that's so sweet-

***

Alex: So John is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. Why, you ask? Because I've caught him 4 times now trying to train raccoons to fight-
John: You'll be thanking me when my raccoon battalion saves your life-

***