hi idk what to say anymore these are so funnY and i love making them
enjoy jully 🥺🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: I'm so glad John is finally getting the sleep and rest he deserves-
Timmy: He looks so peaceful-
Frances, holding a sharpie: And vulnerable-

***

Alex: John whats for dinner-
John: I can't tell you, it's a soup-prise-
Alex: Is it soup-
John: I soup-pose it could be-
Alex: Enough with the soup puns!
John: n O-
*later*
Alex: IT WAS T A C O S-

***

Angie: I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel-
Alex: That's impossible-
Angie: Oh she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story-

***

Timmy: We are brothers-
Philip: You know if you take an R out of there it becomes 'bother' and I really relate to that-
John: Brothe-
Alex: Two types of people-

***

John: Hey Lex just so you know I talk in my sleep-
Alex: That's fine-
John at 3 AM: According to all known laws of aviation!there is no way a bee should be able to fly-
Alex, staring at the ceiling:

***

John: We'll load into the car by order of height-
Angie: Pops pick me up-
Alex: Why?
Angie: Just do it-
Alex: *picks her up*
Angie: We count as one entity-

***

John, sobbing: Alex I'm dYiNg!!!
Alex, sighing deeply: Babe that's a paper cut-

***

[phone rings]

John: Hello?
Killer: I can see you-
John:
Killer:
John:
Killer:
John: Do I look good-

***

Alex: ...how could you even-
John: *struggling to get his pants on because he put on his shoes first* BECAUSE I FORGOT OKAY-

***

Alex: I relate to pop rocks-
John: Okay mood but what does that mean-
Every joint in Alex's body as he stands up: pop pop pop pop

***

John: People say I can't do what I love without college-
John: I didn't know I needed a degree to love and care for my dogs-

***

Jimmy: Laurens, there is a white flag in this situation and I think you need to wave it-
John: THE ONLY FLAG I'LL BE WAVING IS THE ONE WITH YOUR HEAD ON IT IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER-

***

Alex: John's even wearing his formal sweatpants!
John: It's the one without any spaghetti sauce on it-

***

[homework time]

John: You either buckle down and do your work or you're going to end up working at McDonald's-
Philip, excitedly: We're going to McDonald's if I don't do my work?
John: No!

***

John: How much farther to this place-
Alex: Fifty, sixty miles-
John: Sixty miles? And you didn't get me a donut?
Alex: I did get you a donut. And then I ate it-

***

Random person: Yeah my mother fell down a well yesterday trying to get our cat-
Alex, softly: Don't do it-
John: *biting fist*
Alex: John. Don't do it-
John, almost to tears: Is she well?
Alex: *smacks John up side the head* We're sorry to hear about your mom-

***

Alex: Give me the remote control-
Frances: Give me a reason I shouldn't set you on fire-
Alex: FRANCES-

***

[throwing a surprise party for John]

Frances: Flip move your long legs-
Philip: Not my fault you decided to hide with me!
Alex, aggressively whispering: Guys shut up he's about to walk through the door-
Angie: I told you this wasn't a good plan with those idiots-
Philip: *whispers* Shut up he's opening the door-
Angie: Oh really? I couldn't hear because you're so loud all the time-
Timmy: He snatched your weave-
Alex: Guys shut up, you're gonna ruin the surprise because y'all are being louD-
John: *crouched next to Alex* Who are we waiting for again-
Everyone: W H A T-

***

John: *describes everything about himself in detail*
Alex: You sound very...
John: 🙂
Alex: Very...
John: 🙂
Alex: ...pleasant-
John: 😃

***

Alex: *speaking Spanish*
John: Oh I speak Spanish too!
Alex: Really? Let's hear-
John: Bonjour mon ami, vous êtes une belle grenouille-
Alex: *opens Google Translate*
John:
Alex: I'm flattered you think I'm a beautiful frog, but that's French-
John:
Alex:
John: Oh-

***

John: I'm not getting into anymore stupid arguments with you-
Philip: Earth isn't a planet-
John: How is Earth not a planet!?

***

John: *waking Alex up* Babe, babe are you awake-
Alex: ?
John: Ok uhh while we were sleeping you pushed my leg off of you-
John: *starts tearing up* And I was wondering if you still love mE-

***

John, cuddling Koda and Kirby: I love dogs so much they make me so happy an-
Alex, from a distance: W O O F
John:
Alex: Cuddle me-

***

Angie: Can we please stay with you-
John: Why?
Frances: Flip played with a Ouija board and cursed our room-
Angie: Timmy doesn't know how to banish spirits so he just throws salt at them and yells, "Does this look like a hotel to you!?"

***

Angie, on the phone with Alex: Philip keeps throwing things at me. Make him stop-
Alex: I'm on way over here. He's 9. Call him ugly and he'll cry-

***

John: I guess I'm gay, sort of? My therapist says that that's not even in the top ten list of things I should be worried about right now though-

***

John: SHUT UP GARDEN GNOME! IT'S NIGHTTIME!!!
Timmy: Is Dad okay?
Alex: Yeah he's just lying in the flower bed. I think it's the best place for him right now-
John: THIS DIRT TASTES LIKE DIRT-

***

Koda: *pees on John's leg*
John: Do you have an issue with me? Because if I have a problem with somebody I don't pee on them ok-

***

Frances: I love this picture that I drew of our family, we were so happy!
Alex: Where's Timmy?
Frances: He wasn't even born yet, that's why we were so happy-

***

John: Vibe check!
John: *does a front flip off of a car and slams face first into the dirt*

***

John: Can I throw myself out a window-
Alex: WHAT?!
John:
John:
John: Was that a no 'cause it felt like a no-
Alex, on the verge of a heart attack: OF COURSE IT'S A NO-

***

[driving]

Alex: Chillin' with the fam, and we cruisin' down the street-
Philip: It's gettin' really hot, yeah these bars are super heat-
Frances: Drivin' in this car, yeah we gonna go to Mars-
John: I'm really really sad, I might go and crash the car-
Everyone else: wAIT NO—

***

Alex: *walks into the room*
John: *posed on the floor wearing a banana suit*
John: I find you quite aPEELing-
Alex: *walks out*

***

John, sitting back with a bowl of icecream: What a great way to end the day-
Alex: It's 9 AM?

***

John: Fish who are caught and released are the equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens-
Alex: John please shut up and go to sleeP-

***

Alex: You don't think we'll get in trouble for this do you?
John: No, not a chance!
[cut to John and Alex getting scolded by Eleanor]

***

Angie: Cookie is missing. I need a permit to post signs-
Alex: Oh, let me look for that form-
Angie: There's no time! He can fly!

***

Alex: *cracks his knuckles*
John: You need some milk Alex. And you're gonna get arthritis. Why do you do this to me? I'm gonna put you in a bubble one of these days. You're gonna be a bubble boy. People from all over will visit New York, home of the bubble boy, all because you won't take your vitamins. I say this because I love you Alex, but I will not hesitate to spend all my money on a giant custom made hamster ball for us, excuse me, you to live in forever-

***

[when John buys a boat]

John: Welcome aboard everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions?
Philip: The big turd-
Frances: The big rolling turd-
John: In that spirit, we set forth-

***

Alex: I just want to apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby-
John, innocently: That's ridiculous Lex, we were all babies once-

***

[at the petting zoo]

Timmy: DAD COME LOOK AT THE LOBSTER-
John: Sweetie that's a ferret-

***

John, in bed and drunk: You know, the only reason I feel the need to constantly assert that I'm the sexiest person in any room I'm in isn't because I'm self absorbed. It's really just that fake hyper-confidence is really my only coping mechanism for my overwhelming insecurities and childhood trauma-
Alex, who knows he's full of himself: *pulls the comforter over his  head*'Go to sleep babe-

***

Alex: I don't care  if there is a microchip in the vaccine. They could put a whole iPod Nano inside me if it meant I was allowed to get drunk at Olive Garden again-

***

Alex: For my second date with John, we met in the city and went to a party and ended up at a restaurant at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly and said, "I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again"-

***

Alex: Does anyone need me to sign any papers for school?
Frances: Yeah I've got one-
Alex: Hold on. Let me get a pen-
Frances: You don't need one. You're supposed to sign in blood-
Alex: The PTA is really serious about this bake sale-

***

John: I found a caterpillar. It's not poisonous-
Alex: How do you know-
John: I licked it-

***

Alex: *stirring a pot of water over a hot stove* Why won't this stupid  water boil already???
Angie, who's been slipping ice cubes in every few minutes when Alex turns his back: Gosh I have no idea-

***