i love making these so muc h-
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

John: Where's my phone-
Philip: Maybe it's in the ceiling-
John: Maybe you're in the ceiling-

***

John, walking through the store with Alex: Snap that child's back-
Alex: Goldfish.Wait no-

***

[texting]

John: theres an oul outside
John: ool
John: ouwl
John: houl
John: how the heck do you spell it
John: a hoot hoot
John: there's a hoot hoot outside my windoe
Alex: it's an owl john

***

John: Do you think that mosquitoes dare their friends to bite someone with bug spray on-
Alex: No because mosquitoes don't have the mind to be able to communicate in such complex ways-
John: Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize you were the worlds top mosquito expert-

***

Alex: Did you listen to the song I recommended you-
John: Yes, it's good music to eat pasta to-
Alex: W h a t-

***

John: Pip I told you this morning: no phones at the dinner table!
Philip, confused: You said the breakfast table-
John: It's the same table!

***

Alex: I think I need a hug-
John: Good thing I'm hug shaped!
[45 minutes later]
Alex: John you can let go now-
John: *determined to show Alex he's loved* No, I absolutely cannot-

***

John: If you consider eating two bags of popcorn and toaster waffles for dinner at 10:30 a nutritious meal plan, then I am the epitome of health-

***

John, crying: I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me agai N-
Alex : John. It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up-

***

Alex: Hey John?
John: Mmm?
Alex: There are 21 letters in the alphabet right?
John: ....There are 26 letters in the alphabet how do you not know this-
Alex: Oh right! I forgot! U R A Q T!
John: *still ranting* It doesn't matter which letters you forgot oh my goD Lex how did you not know there are 26 letters in the alphabet you're not stupid-
[3 hours later]
John: *lying in bed*
John: *bolts upright* oh my god wait U R A Q T = YOU ARE A CUTIE A L E X-

***

Olive Garden Server: I'm sorry sir but you can't bring a wheelbarrow insi-
John: IF THE BREADSTICKS ARE TRUELY UNLIMITED THEN I SHOULD BE ABLE TO-

***

John: *eats four slices of pizza*
John: I'm so full-
John: *eats four more slices of pizza*

***

Alex: I hope you have a good explanation for this-
Frances: We have three actually-
Philip: Pick your favorite-

***

Frances: Did you know that this hotel is haunted?
Philip: It is?
Alex: Yeah by a bunch of tall ghosts-
Alex: LOOK THERE'S ONE NOW-
John: *hits his head on the door frame* Ow-
Philip: *screams*

***

[when they first started going out]

John: I'll pick you up at 7! I'll be the guy wearing the awesome blue jacket-
Alex: ...we've been dating for months. I know what you look like babe-

***

Alex: I told you not to wear it in the shower!
John, holding a soggy burger king crown: I don't need a lecture right noW-

***

Angie: I think we shouldn't go to the park-
Alex: We've been over this, if it's the swine flu you're worried about, with hand sanitizer and-
Angie: I'm not worried about the swine flu! I already have the swine flu!
Angie: I'm worried about the turtle flu-
Alex: The..turtle...flu...?
Angie: The turtle flu-
Alex: The turtle flu-

***

Alex: Stay here and do not touch anything-
John: Yeah yeah-
Alex: *leaves*
John: I'm gonna touch everything-

***

Alex: John don't eat mac n cheese wearing a tuxedo-
John:
John: This mac n cheese's not wearing a tuxedo-

***

John: I deserve this, this is all because I forgot to feed my pet beetle Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is ba D-
John, shouting: You happy Sheldon?! We're even now!
Alex, from another room: John?
John: SHELDON???

***

John: So Timmy, how was your day?
Timmy: One of the kids pushed me during recess-
John: Did you push him back?
Timmy: No, he's stronger than me-
John: Uh huh. Frances?
Frances: I'm on it-

***

Alex: If you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed Bath and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger"-

***

Philip: We had a surprise test today-
John: And?
Philip: I was really surprised-

***

John at 14: I can't wait to travel the whole world once I'm earning my own money-
John now: I can't forget that tupperware at work. It's my only one-

***

John: The human life is a strained and tense one...I envy the life of a smooth rock resting on the beach...warmed by the sun...kissed by the waves...unaware of the trials and tribulations of sentient life...
Alex: Do you need to talk...?
John: I wish I was a croissant-

***

[texting]

John: should we get food
John: i got stabbed
Alex: WHAT
John: that's what happens when you take 45 minutes to reply to texts
John: people die

***

Alex, shaking John awake: JOHN GET UP THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE-
John: Five more minutes-

***

John: So, you two got kicked out of the movies. What for?
Philip: We were yelling diving scores during the titanic as people jumped off the boat-
Frances: That last guy had a solid eight, let me tell you-

***

Eleanor: What's it like being married to John?
Alex: *remembers the time John was lying on the couch upside down and drinking milk through a straw then waterboarded himself with the milk and coughed for ten seconds then tried again*
Alex: It's not bad at all-

***

[AU where John is a 911 operator]

John: 911, what's your emergency?
John: What do you mean you're getting murdered?
John: That's illegal, people can't do that-

***

Brain: Please don't
John: It'll impress him-
Brain: No it won't
John: *wheels over to Alex on his office chair pretending to paddle a canoe*

***

John: Don't go into the living room-
Alex: Why?
John: I saw a spider-
Alex: Dod you kill it?
John: I have two arms and it has eight, it's not a fair fight-

***

Philip: Why is Pops doing the laundry so loudly-
John: So everyone knows that no one helps in this house-
Alex in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*

***

Alex: These types of things are either hit or miss-
Philip, Frances, and Angie in unison: I guess they never miss huh?

***

John: I ate too many magic beans-
John: I can feel the maGIC COURSING THROUGH mY v E i N s-
The kids: ???
Alex: Ignore him, he ate seven boxes of tic tacs-

***

John: If Pops and I were both drowning, who would you save-
Timmy: Probably both of you-
John: No I mean if you could only save one, who would you save-
Timmy: Then I'd save Pops because you're a better swimmer than both of us-
John: But what if I couldn't swim-
Timmy: Dad–
John: No what if I was like- holding an anchor-
Timmy: Then let go of it-
John: I can't-
Timmy: What? Why?
John: It's a family heirloom-

***

John: *slowly digs both of his feet into the wet sand*
John: *whispers* Planet shoes-

***

John: Take off your hat-
Philip: *takes off his hat to reveal another, slightly smaller hat*
Philip: I can do this 14 more times-

***

Alex, jokingly: You think that because you love me, and love has made you stupid-
John: I disagree. If anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week when I boiled that egg?
Alex: That was big. I was really proud of yoU-

***

Alex: I can't seem to find my glasses-
Angie: *sees them sitting on top of Alex's head*
Angie: I'll help you find them for $5-

***

[at Chuck E Cheese's]

Alex: Don't go into the ball pit with Timmy. You always lose your keys-
John: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this-

***

Alex: I'm not all sunshine and rainbows. I have a dark sidE-
John: Let me see your dark side face-
Alex: *makes a face*
John: Awww-

***

Alex: I've never seen snow before, someone describe it to me-
John: Smells like water-
Alex: It's like I'm there-

***

Alex to John, pointing at Philip: There's something wrong with this kid-
John: Like what?
Alex: *holds up a photo of a cockroach*
Philip: Ew-
Alex: *holds up a photo of a spider*
Philip: Me-
Alex: *holds up a photo of a lady bug*
Philip: Evening ma'am-
Alex: You see what I mean?

***

Alex's first hour of watching baking shows on Netflix: These people are so talented, how do they pick a winner??
Alex's 23rd hour: I don't care hoW good her fondant work is, if Kathy doesn't add more buttercream to that mixture her consistency is going to be all off and her cake pops will be-
John: Lex you have never baked a cake in your entire L I F E-

***

Alex: Yesterday at the Cheesecake Factory they automatically handed me a kids menu because I look 12-
Alex: But I got the same meal I was gonna get from the adult menu for 2/3 the price so who's the real winner here?

***

John: Sleep makes me so mad honestLy do you know how much stuff I could get done if this flesh prison didn't require literal hours of laying there in a state of unconsciousness-
John: That being said if you deprive me of my sleep I will cry-

***

John: Hostage or not, sometimes it's nice being held-
Kidnapper: What-

***

Alex: Why is it spelled camouflage and not
John: Not what?
Alex:

***

Kidnapper, putting more duct tape over John's mouth: I said stop eating it-

***

John: My mattress is strapped to eight roombas and I leave all my doors open at night so the roombas can go where they want to. I wake up where they want me to be. I trust their decisions-
Alex: ...what-

***

Waiter: What would you like?
Alex: I would like for my husband to act like an adult for onc E-
Waiter: I meant from the menu-
John: Dinosaur chicken nuggets-

***