uhhhh idk we're almost at 40 :0
enjoy jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex, crying: STOP! PUT ME DOWN PLEASE-
John, trying to put him on the christmas tree: THE STAR. GOES. ON. TOP-

***

Angie: Hey Pops-
Alex: ?
Angie: This party's boring- wanna leave with me?
Alex: This is my birthday party-

***

Alex: The thicker your thighs are, the more kittens you can fit on your lap-

***

[at church]

John: In Koda we trust, amen-
Churchgoers: Amen-

***

John: Due to personal reasons I will be holding Alex's hand-

***

John: *laying on a bed of velvet, covered in diamonds* I'm just a simple man with simple tastes-

***

Roomba: *bangs into chair repeatedly*
Alex:
John: Don't even open your mouth he's doing his best-

***

John: Oh my god this coffee is so good I can think so clearly right now oh my god I could probably do a math problem right now-
Alex: Correctly?
John, vibrating: I don't know-

***

Alex: What do you crave more than anything else?
Frances: Stability-
Philip: Peace of mind-
John: Chocolate chip pancakes-

***

John, to himself: I love Alex so much...he's such an important part of my life...I wouldn't be the same without him...how can I convey that to him?
John:
John:
John: *sends Alex a meme out of nowhere at 2 AM*
John: Perfect-

***

John: I'm really glad "fight me" has replaced "sue me" in the common vernacular because I don't have any money but I do have Fists™ and am always Angry™-

***

John: Dating tip: hold the door open for your date. Rip it off its hinges. Use it as a weapon to fight off other potential partners. Establish dominance-

***

John: We're having spaghetti and meatballs tonight so make sure to bring paper towels in case there's a mess-
Philip: Swaghetti and memeballs-
John:
John: I'm disowning you-

***

Alex: What is love?
John: An emotional minefield-
Frances: A neurochemical reaction-
Philip, an intellectual: Baby don't hurt me-

***

Alex: Why do people have quiet and respectful funerals? When I die I want my ashes mixed with glitter and packed tightly into a coffin and then they blow up the coffin with explosives so glitter rains down on the guests while blasting "Thanks for the Memories" by Fall Out Boy-

***

John, in the middle of the night: Urgh!! It's still 3am, what I am supposed to do until morning??
Alex: I don't know, sleep maybe??
John: Nah-

***

John: Everyone THINKS they know the facts but ACTUALLY JFK was only John Kennedy until he died, the F was added afterwards to pay respects. In this essay I will

***

John: No problemo-
John, narrating: There were, in fact, many problemo-

***

John: Ugh the milk expires tomorrow-
Alex, hinting at their anniversary: Tomorrow's a real special day huh?
John: Not for anyone who drinks milk-

***

Philip: This is confusing-
John: You think oranges are confusing-
Philip: YeaH cause they don't make sense! Why can I eat an apple's skin but not an orange's??

***

Frances: Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like-
Alex: *takes the cup and tastes it*
Alex: Hazelnut?
Frances: I don't know, I found it in the garbage-

***

[after Alex goes on a trip]

John: *giving Philip the phone* Pip, tell Pops everything is fine-
Philip: Hey Pops, we haven't eaten for days, your plants are dead, and I'm leaving to be a pirate. Love ya, byE-

***

Alex: I am completely self motivated. If I want to do something, I'll do it. Nobody can force me to start or stop-
John: There are two ways to get me motivated: Food and Spite. I've gotten this far on those two things-

***

Alex: *sneezes*
John: Bless you-
Alex: *sneezes again*
John: You're blessed, you can shut up now-

***

[at a cook out]

Alex: Is that a hotdog inside of a burger?
Angie: No-
Alex: What is it?
Angie: Yes-

***

Alex: *won't get out of John's way*
John: I'm just about to pick you up and put you some place high so you can't get down-

***

John at 2am: Hey Lex, would you still love me if I was a worm-
Alex, half asleep: I would...put you in my hand and play with you...and feed you to the fish-
John: What if I was a 30 foot tall skeleton covered in fire-
Alex, still half asleep: Mm...I would cook...cook potato on you-
John: Hm. Okay. Good to know-

***

[everyone in the car]

John, breaking the silence: Did you know that, even with seatbelts, people die all the time in car crashes? I thought that was interesting-

***

Alex: *laying down on the sofa with John* As much as I enjoy this, shouldn't we be more productive?
John: Our cells are constantly multiplying and dividing trying to keep us alive. That's already very productive-
Alex: Yeah you're right-

***

Store worker: Could Alex Laurens-Hamilton please report to the front desk?
Alex: *arriving at the desk* Hello, is there a problem?
Store worker: *points at John and Koda sitting next to the desk pouting* I believe they belong to you?
John: We got lost :(
Koda: 👁👅👁
Alex: I didn't even bring you here with me-

***

John: *holding up a test with an F* I thought you said you were ready?!
Philip: *jazz hands* ✨To fail!✨

***

Alex: That movie wasn't that scary-
John: Yeah, it wasn't that bad-
Frances: As if, you were both holding hands the entire time-

***

John: Your eyes are so pretty-
Alex: Thanks, they don't work-

***

John: Do you know what I hate about being a grown up?
Alex: The constant fear that you're wasting your time and you don't know what you should do?
John: No, nobody asks me anymore what my favorite dinosaur is. As if they don't even care!
Alex: *sighs* What's your favorite dinosaur?
John: A stegosaurus-

***

Alex: I have a new hoodie-
John: "We" have a new hoodie-

***

John: *serving a small amount of pasta* That's how much they serve you in an italian restaurant-
Alex: Okay-
John: *gives him more* But I give you more, cause I love you and you're special-

***

Alex: There's only one way to decide...rock paper scissors!
John: *chooses scissors*
Alex: *chooses rock*
John: ( •́ ‸ •̀ )
Alex: No no don't cry, you won!! See- this rock is soft!!

***

John: Just be calm and emotionally balanced Lex-
Alex:
Alex: You're one to talk. Didn't you throw your shoe at a swan yesterday and accidentally fall into the lake?
John: I WAS PROTECTING MY SANDWICH-

***

[going out to eat for Philip's birthday, two on one time or smth]

Waiter: How old is your son?
Alex: What?
Waiter: Kids under 5 eat for free-
Alex:
John:
Alex: This is our son, Philip. He's 4. Isn't he adorable?
Philip: *under his breath* I will kill you all-
John: Hush child of mine, it's cheaper-

***

Alex: Wake up! The sun is out!
Angie: Am I scheduled for photosynthesis? Can the earth not rotate unless I get out of bed?? Tell me???

***

Alex: Go to bed, it's late-
John: *whining* Can't I just play one more game?
Alex: You'll be cranky in the morning if you don't get any sleep-
John: No I won't!
Alex: Up we go then-
Alex: *lifts John off of the couch and carries him up the stairs with him over his shoulder*
John: *protesting and laughing at the same time*

***

Alex: Ask him out they said-
Alex: Marry him they said-
Alex, looking at John on the other side of the room filled with spongebob merch: It'll be cute they said-

***

John: Couldn't sleep either?
Alex: Yeah, bad thoughts, the usual-
John: What was it for you?
Alex: How does wind work, like how? Does it go?
John, nodding: Mine was eels-

***

Philip: I'm the most responsible in the family-
John: You literally just lit the kitchen on fire-
Philip: Yeah, and I take full responsibility for that-

***

Philip: *checking his social media* Stop unfollowing me! I have a family to support-
John: Pip, you're nine-
Philip: *gasping* NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN-

***

Alex: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down-
John: No need. I'll remember!
[an hour later]
Alex: What did you buy?
John: *holding up another dog* A friend!

***

Angie: You read my diary?!?!
John: At first I didn't realize it was your diary. I thought it was a sad handwritten book-

***

John: I'm not gay, but you look great in that outfit-
Alex: ...we're married John-

***

Alex, giving Frances life advice: A guy should mess up your lipstick, not your mascara-
Frances: Mess up my lipstick and people will watch a body get scooped out of a river on the news-

***

John: We should start our own home improvement show-
Alex: I can see the posters now!
Alex: I'm on John's shoulders screwing on a lightbulb, and Philip stands by a ladder looking up at us like "Oh, boy, what did I get myself into?"
John: I love this idea-
Philip: ...sign me up-

***

Angie: *mumbling in Latin*
Alex: For the last time, I'm not a demon! You can't exorcise me-
Angie: *looking sadly at Alex as she crosses No. 5 off the list* Well it was worth a try-

***

Cop: *shows John a photo of a raccoon eating garbage* Please identify the animal in this picture-
John: Oh, big mood-
Cop: *turning to another cop* Please tase him again-

***

Alex: Tomorrow's garbage day-
Frances: Wow I can't believe they have a whole day dedicated to Flip-

***

John: I ate 6 sandwiches in like 4 minutes and now I can't move-
Alex: I can offer mouth to mouth!
John: Don't you dare extract any of my sandwiches-

***

John: Did you have any trouble with your homework?
Philip: Nope, piece of cake!
John: ...you didn't do it did you-
Philip: I don't even know where my pen is-

***

Alex: Are you okay-
John: Yea why?
Alex: Because earlier you asked the clerk at the store if damage repair shampoo also works on emotions-

***

John: I'm a very private person-
Literally anyone else: Hi-
John: So I'll start by describing the lighter traumas before going into the darker stuff. Okay so-

***