i started this a month ago and forgot about it until recently jfhfghj
i hope you like them jully 🥺
LAURENS207

***

John: That's a pretty rock-
Alex: Thanks! Frances gave it to me-
Frances: I threw it at you-
Alex: She's very sweet-

***

John: *takes the G off of a graveyard sign*
John: Aight bois lets get this party started-

***

Alex: Name a more iconic duo than my fear of abandonment and instinct to self-isolate, I'll wait-
John: You and I-
Alex, tearing up: Alright-

***

Alex: You know you shouldn't stay up so late-
John: Time is an illusion. Nothing matters, God is dead-

***

Philip: How do you tell someone their breath stinks without being rude-
John: I'm bored lets drink mouthwash-

***

Alex: Tell me a joke-
Angie: You look good today Pops-
Alex: Oh thanks-
Alex:
Alex: Wait a minute-

***

Website: Your password is weak
John: You are the weak one. And you'll never know love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you-

***

Alex, looking at the water bill: Would it kill you to stop taking 40 minute showers?
John: Physically? No. Emotionally? The toll would be catastrophic-

***

Alex: How are we going to tell him? He'll be devastated!
John: I'll find a way-
[later]
Timmy: Look, I drew a picture of the whole family!
John:
Alex:
John: Scribble the fish out-

***

John: You know, having a ghost would explain so many things! Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on!
Alex: No babe the light goes on because-
Alex: *pauses for a moment, then gives up*
Alex: Yes babe- Having a ghost would explain that-

***

Alex: Hey that is it. I'm officially taking down the suggestion box. "Koda rules!" is not a suggestion-
John: I know, I just wanted to hear someone else say it. Koda rules!

***

Alex: Now say it with me John- hors d'oeuvres-
John: Horse divorce-

***

John: I wasn't drunk!
Alex: You colored my face with a highlighter and said that I was important-
John: *tearing up* but YOU A R E-

***

Frances: I need an adult-
Alex: I am an adult-
Frances:
Frances: I need a different adult-

***

John: *throwing his controller* I lost again!
Timmy:
Timmy: Do you want me to leave the room so you can say bad words-
John: Yes, that would be lovely-

***

John: ✨Rest in peace our hopes and dreams✨
Alex: You say this often enough for it to be concerning-

***

John, staring emotionally at old photographs hanged in the hallway: Have you ever stopped to look at these...these faces from the past?
John: They're not so different from you really. They had dreams like you do. They had ambitions. But now...they're gone-
John: Dead-
John: Dust-
Alex: That's my aunt Louise, third from the left. She's not dead-
Philip: Shh!
Alex: She's only fifty four! She runs the public library in Brooklyn-
Philip: Quiet!

***

Philip: How much do you wanna bet that I'll rub this slice of salami on my knee-
John: Nothing-
Philip: *rubs the slice of salami on his knee*

***

Angie, after learning how Alex did a magic trick: So you're not magic?
Alex: Well not really-
Angie: You're just a liar-

***

Alex: John, let go of the donut-
John: Never-
Alex: Jo-
Eleanor: For god's sakes there's TWO donuts right there-
John: BUT I WANT THE PINK ONE-

***

Frances: I hate you-
Philip, opening a window: I hate you too. See ya-
Frances: Flip waIT NO NO. F L I P-
Philip, hanging from outside the window: Frankie...I know I said I hate you, but now
I really do need your help-
Alex from down below, holding groceries: WAIT TILL I GET UP THERE YOU T W O-

***

Eleanor: Where in the world is Jackie? WHERE IS JACKIE???
John, calling Eleanor: Momma! I'm about to jump off a plane! Isn't that exciting! Look I'm right above you!
Alex: John! JOHN SHE PASSED OUT-

***

John: The size of your hand is your font size for sign language-
Alex: What-
John: Sorry I should go to bed, it's 3 am-
Alex: No wait come back, you're going somewhere with this-

***

Angie: You know, you're not supposed to eat food after 6:30 pm. It's not healthy at all-
John and Alex: *thinking of last night, when they ate 19 bags of chips at 3 am*
Alex: Is that so?
John: Good thing we already do that-
Alex: Totally-

***

Philip: *using an electric pencil sharpener at 3 am*
John, on the verge of tears: W h y-

***

John: I give up. I am so tired-
Alex: Get the emergency supply!
Philip: *carries Koda and places him in front of John*
Koda: *smiles*
John: AND I AM BACK BABY LET'S GOOO-

***

John: Yum thanks!
Kidnapper: *puts more tape over his mouth*
Kidnapper: I said stop eating it-

***

Alex: Why is your dad crying-
Philip: He saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-
John: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY-
Alex: Please don't say what I think you're gonna say-
John: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH-
Alex: NO NOT THAT-

***

John, pointing: May I sit there-
Alex: That's my lap-
John: That doesn't answer my question-

***

Alex: Last I checked only HOMOPHOBES don't drink water-
John, who hasn't drank water in three days: 👁👁
Alex: This is your chance to reconsider-

***

Alex: A man went to the hospital after eating twenty cakes-
John: What kind of cake did he eat that was so delicious-
Alex:
John: Oh I mean- that's too bad. I hope that poor man recovers soon-
John: So what is it-

***

John: 4:00, wallow in self pity-
John: 4:30, stare into the abyss-
John: 5:00, solve world hunger- Tell no one-
John: 5:30, jazzercize-
John: 6:30, dinner with me- I can't cancel that again!
John: 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing-
John: ...I'm booked-
John: Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness-
John: But what would I wear???

***

Jimmy Sanchez: I moved to Texas-
John: Yeah?
Jimmy: And I tried the devil's lettuce-
John:
John, not getting it: Is that a salad-

***

John: FIRE ALARMS ARE ALWAYS GOING OFF AROUND MY HUSBAND-
John: NOT BECAUSE HE'S HOT HE'S JUST HORRIBLE AT COOKING-
Alex: I burnt your eggs ONE TIME-

***

Alex: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
John: They're for the dogs-
Alex: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
John: They don't know how-

***

John: Hey that's my umbrella-
Philip: No, I'm life hacking-
John: You're stealing my umbrella-
Philip: Life hack-
John: How are you hacking life you are literally taking my umbrella-
Philip: Life hacking-

***

Alex: Weird flex but okay-
Angie, an intellectual: Preposterous boast but alas-

***

John: You look kind of upset, you okay? Is there something you want to talk about?
Timmy, quietly: Why are there so many letters in Wednesday?
John:
John: Nobody knows Tim. Nobody-

***

Alex: Are you an "arr" pirate or a "yo ho ho" pirate-
John: I'm an "I'm not paying six hundred dollars for Photoshop" pirate-

***

John: I'm really good at identifying birds-
Alex, pointing at some geese: Okay, what about those-
John:
John: Yep those are definitely birds-

***

John: Fun fact!
Alex: Oh no-
John: Cannibals are just people who are fed up of other people-
Alex:

***

John: I left my gummy bears in a hot car. When I returned, they melted into a sugary quagmire, their individual essence dissolved into nothingness, reformed by the void into a singular consciousness. No separate beings or flavors, just one manifestation of formless eternal gummy-

***

John: Honeymoon is an interesting term because an actual moon made of honey would imply space bees which is pretty horrifying-
Philip: *takes notes*

***

John: *rolling over and turning on the bedside lamp*
John: If life is unfair to everyone-
John: Does that make it fair?
Alex: *hitting him with a pillow* It's 4am, go back to s l e E p-

***

Frances: I'm cold-
Eleanor: Here baby, take my jacket-
Alex: I'm cold too-
John: What?! *takes off coat* I told you to bring more layers but of course you didn't listen and now *piles scarf on Alex* I have to make sure you don't FREEZE to death but you're apparently allergic to jackets so what did I expect and *takes somebody else's hat and plops it on Alex's head* How long have you been cold you should've said something sooner-

***

John: You know the mug you lend me? The cute one you love with the dog face painted on?
Alex: You broke it didn't you?
John: Please don't kill me-
Alex: *goes to the cupboard, opens the door where 10 mugs the same are lined up and takes one*
John: What are those-
Alex: Back ups. I've been living with you for years, I'd have to be stupid to believe I wouldn't need them at some point-
John: You know me so weLL-

***

Alex: You need to shake it-
John: *shimmies*
Alex: I meant the bottle babe-

***

Frances: Hey what are your pronouns? I need to talk about you behind your back-
Alex:
Alex: He/him...
Frances: Thanks!

***

Alex: How much caffeine have you had today?
John: Not that it's any of your business but this is my first coffee of the day-
Alex: Okay that's fine-
Timmy: Now tell him about the 6 red bulls-
John: Shhh that's between me and God-

***

Philip: What does lgbtq+ mean? Is that like the premium version of gay?
John: ...Pip no-

***

John: *having a meeting with watermelons at 3 am*

***

John: *splashes around in a hot tub in the living room*
Alex: Hey John, darling. Where did this hot tub come from-
John: ...what hot tub? *turns on bubbles*

***

Alex: Ah yes, my train of thought-
Alex: Or as I like to call it, the anxiety express-

***

Alex: I need another word for water-
Philip: No bones ice-
Timmy: Ocean sauce-
Frances: Earth juice-
Alex:
Alex: I understand these blockheads doing it, but Angie you're supposed to be better than them-

***

John: Now if you'll excuse me, I have more important matters to attend to-
John: *goes to sleep*

***