hdhdhdj i love making these sm
hi jully 👁👄👁 i hope you like them 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Alex: How are you sleeping?
John: Like a baby-
John: Every two hours I wake up screaming-

***

John: I've never been more embarrassed. I was at the dollar store and I picked up an orange Gatorade and said "sexy boy..." because I thought I was alone-
John: Plot twist I was not alone, someone an aisle over said "What in the world bro"-
Alex: Why were you calling an orange Gatorade "sexy boy"-
John: Me and orange Gatorade have a deep relationship and it's none of you business-

***

Alex: When was the last time you cried?
John: Uh 15 minutes ago, why-
Alex: Really? That recent?
John: YeaH- *voice crack* Is that a issue?
John: *starts crying again*

***

John, seeing a banana on the passenger's seat: W H A T-
John, buckling the banana up: Buckle UP it's the L A W-

***

Alex: Honk-
John: WHAT-
Alex: HONK-
John: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL F O O L-

***

John: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet-
Alex: Why'd you get banned?
John: Touched the rat-
Alex: ...what rat?
John: Chunky cheese-

***

[texting]

John: roses are red, tony hawk is a skater...
Alex′s phone, auto-replying: I'm driving right now–I'll get back to you later.
[Later]
Alex, texting back: john not again

***

John: *drunk* You're the hottest boyfriend I've ever had-
Alex: I'm your husband-

***

John: Being gay is not a choice-
John, picking up Alex bridal style: It's a game and I'm winning-

***

Alex, eating silently: Why are you looking at me like that-
John: Shh-
John: I'm appreciating art-
Alex:

***

Alex: What are you talking about? John and I definitely do not have pet names for each other-
Frances: Right...hey what do bees make-
Alex: ...honey?
John, from across the room: Yeah babe?

***

Angie: Pops, today's dinner reminds me of your sense of humor-
Alex: Why's that?
Angie: Because it's tasteless and dry-

***

John: I'm just too mature for that-
Philip: The other day you slipped on ice while Naruto running-
Frances: I saw you lick the floor because Pops told you not to-
Angie: I once saw you eat cold spaghetti while watching cartoons-
Alex: You exist-

***

[when John and Alex first started dating]

Eleanor: Relax, act mature-
John: Mature, got it-
[later, on a date]
Alex: So what do you do for fun?
John, in a deep serious voice: Taxes-

***

Alex: The French have given us good things, like French toast-
John: French fries-
Frances: A guillotine-

***

John: I have many hidden talents-
Alex: Like what?
John: I wouldn't know, they're hidden-

***

John: Hey-
John: Do you know what drug ducks take-
Alex: No?
John: QUACK-
Alex:
John: They do Q U A C K-

***

Alex: My partner must be top of the line, graceful-
John: Hi my name is J- *trips over potted plant and falls face first*
Alex:
Alex: I want that one-

***

Alex: Due to personal reasons I will be sitting on my bed in a wet towel and staring at the wall for the next 25 minutes-

***

John: *hates everything*
John: *pets dog*
John: I guess it's not so bad-

***

John: Self care is drinking 4 monsters and having a therapy session with god on your bathroom floor at 4:27 am-

***

Alex: *doing makeup* Some people say "don't make the wings too big"-
Alex: I like to make my wings big enough that one day, hopefully, I'll be able to fly away from all my problems-

***

Alex: *watching John play a video game* In a game, with no consequences, why are you still playing the "good" side?
John: Because being mean makes me feel bad-

***

[6am]

John: *opens eyes* I can't wait to go to bed tonight-

***

Philip: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job what if I wanted to be a duck-
John: Pip no-

***

John: Here's a concept: me, eating strawberries and peaches on a hillside where I am far from everything I know-
Alex: P e a c h e s-

***

John: Do you ever wonder how many times you have clicked a mouse in your life because I do and it scares me how high the number probaby is-
Alex: Baby please go to sleeP-

***

John: Not gonna name names but SOME of you are sweet and kind and deserve the world and I'm rooting for you-
John: Koda-
John: I mean Koda-

***

[everyone watching a movie]

John: *to Koda and Kirby* Do you guys wanna watch the movie with us? You can come chill with us if you want. We'd love to spend time with you-

***

Alex: I don't know who needs to hear this, but go eat a cookie-

***

[texting]

John: 😥🐴
Alex: what was the horse for
John: to cheer up the little sad man

***

John during quarantine: Can't wait til they legalize outside-

***

John: You're my secret Santa-
Alex: What?
John: Oh I meant soulmate-

***

Alex: I haven't seen your dad, have you guys seen him?
Philip: He drank four energy drinks in one sitting and thought the humming birds outside were talking bad about him-
[muffled shouting]
John, outside: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOMMA-

***

John, eating a sandwich from Jersey Mikes: If I have to bite into another green bell pepper again I'm gonna commit a crime-
Alex: Against who?
John: J e r s e y M i k e

***

Alex: You know what really gets my goat?
Angie, gasping: El chupacabra-

***

Alex: Jeez babe what happened-
John: *wrapping his hands in bandages* You know those chefs on tv who cut up vegetables really fast?
Alex: ....yes?
John: I can't do that-

***

John: Welcome to another episode of "This sounds like it should be a fever dream"-
John: And it certainly should be a fever dream-
John: But it is, in fact, my life-

***

John, stumbling into his and Alex's room, drunk and confused: That- that was such a crazy party-
Alex: Okay babe, come to bed now?
John, trying to find a comfortable place on the floor: I'm sure you're lovely but I have a husband-

***

John: I will say to you what you have always said to me-
Alex: "Don't eat that, it's decorative"?

***

John: Pip what are you doing-
Philip: I'm pranking Frankie for April Fools-
John: ...it's November-
Philip: Yeah exactly. April's when people expect to be pranked, but if I do it today, whammo! It's like a baby with a mustache- you don't see it coming-

***

John: I am above all of you. My eagerness, ability, and knowledge trumps over all my friends. I am more advanced than-
Alex, peeking around the corner: I made dinosaur chicken nuggies-
John: N i c e

***

John: If I say I love you will you say it back?
Alex: Yes-
John: I love you-
Alex, jokingly: It back-
[5 minutes later]
Timmy: Why is Dad crying face down on the floor?

***

Frances: Did you know Flip is afraid of cows?
Alex: Really?
Frances, leaning over to whisper in Philip's ear: Moo-
Philip, grabbing Frances by the shirt: You think this is a  g A m E-

***

Alex, at John's funeral: So uh, John isn't dead-
Everyone: What?
John, climbing out of the casket: Yeah but we'll be keeping the sympathy gifts-
Alex: If anyone has a problem with it, take it up outside with us in the parking lot-
John: Thank you for coming everybody-

***

Cop: Are you registered-
John: I don't vote-
Cop: I meant the car-
John: No it doesn't vote either-

***

John: I just made myself a small batch of cookie dough just to eat and I gotta tell ya the realization I could do that was fantastic-
Alex: This sounds like a joke, but true pride just swelled in me-

***

John: *throws a slice of cheese at Alex's face*
Alex: *confused screaming*

***

John: The doc said I'm perfectly fine. Except for this burn scar. And this broken rib...which is right next to two other broken ribs-
Alex: Did she clear you or not??
John: She did not! *claps hands* Let's get to work-

***

John: *gets hurt*
John: I'm fine, I just gotta be dramatic first-

***

Alex: Are those spiders??
Philip: Put those back!
Alex: They were in the microwave!!
Frances: We're doing an experiment!

***

Alex, to John: I love you with every inch of my being-
Alex: I'm short but you get the point-

***

John: Well it's go punch a racist day, I'm out-
Angie: No! Maintain social distancing!!! Throw a brick instead!!!!

***

Frances: *pounding nails into the coffee table with a hammer*
Alex, running in: FRANCES WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE???
Frances:
Frances: Is this some sort of trick question or what-

***

Alex: Don't let Angie fool you. She's not that scary. She used to do ballet-
Philip: No way-
Angie: Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet. Now scram-

***

John: So um...I got a tattoo of french fries on my leg-
Alex: Why-
John: *shrugs* It's cute? And I don't make good decisions-

***

Alex and John: *walk into the kitchen, which has been torn apart*
John: Maybe Pip tried to make an omelet again?
Alex: Impossible. He still hasn't figured out how to get out of the pantry-
Philip: *distressed noises from the pantry*

***

John: I am a person who likes to think things through-
Alex: Since when? You broke your arm last week because you tried to go down the stairs in a cardboard box-

***

Alex: Truth or dare?
John: Truth-
Alex: How many hours have you slept this week?
John:
John: Dare-
Alex: Go to sleep-
John: I don't like this game-

***

Alex: Hey what's wrong?
John, drunk, scratching two of many neighborhood cats' heads, weeping: I don't have enough hands-

***

Alex: Must you always attack me with words?
Frances: You want me to use rocks?

***