i haven't made one of these in a couple months and i figured jully would like something to take her mind off of school-
hi jully 👁👄👁 i hope you like them 🥺
LAURENS207

***

Philip: I thought LGBT was a sandwich-
John: Wh- why-
Frances: No you're talking about a BTS-

***

John: Timmy asked what would happen if we sent a horse up to the moon. Truly a great question- perhaps the greatest question ever asked-
Alex: It would explode and die because there's no oxygen on the moon stupid-
John: We never said we'd send them up there without a space suit- you absolute monster-

***

(When they were dating)

Eliza: Your boyfriend can't possibly be as bad as mine-
Alex: Well then. John, tell Eliza why you got me two mascara bottles. Go on-
John, mumbling: It was one for each eye-
Alex: ONE FOR EACH EYE ELIZA-

***

John: *following a recipe*
Alex, trying to help: So you have to add the-
John: Uh I'm not finished. Let's get started.
Alex: You have to-
John: Oh my god will you let me do whAT I NEED TO DO-

***

John opening an Honest Kids Juice Box: Aiight boys time to get turnt-

***

Timmy: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands-
Angie: If you're sad and you know it, stomp your feet-
John: *claps his hands and stomps his feet at the same time*
Alex: Do...do you need help? Do we get him help-

***

John: Who decided rendezvous would be pronounced like that-
Frances: Poor monolinguals, they don't understand that other languages besides english exists-
John: What did you just call me-
Philip: She called you mongolian-

***

[writing a letter to Koda while they're away]

John: Koda, if you're reading this-
Alex: Can Koda read-
John:
John: Momma, if you're reading this to Koda-

***

Eleanor: Why is John hiding in the bathroom?
Alex: The Duolingo owl keeps messaging him-
Eleanor:

***

Alex: Okay John, do it now!
John: Pip!
Philip: Yeah?
John: The tea is sizzling sis, wig snatched! Periodt-
Philip:
Philip: Ten years just dropped off my life span. I can feel it-

***

John: Where's Timmy-
Frances, remembering that Timmy got his head stuck in a tuba after John told him to leave it alone, and that she's supposed to cover for Philip and Angie as they frantically work together to free Timmy's head from the tuba: Who's Timmy-

***

Philip: Dad and I were crossing the street, and this guy drove by and honked at us-
Alex: *sighing* What did your father do-
Philip: He chased them to the next red light, then reached into his window and-
John: Who wants a steering wheel-

***

Alex: You wanna explain to me why you just HAD to run back into the house? Which was on f i R E-
John, covered in ash and holding his bowl of half eaten mac n cheese: Not really-

***

John: Can I sit here-
Alex: What? There's no other chairs, it's just my lap-
John: That doesn't answer my question-

***

Alex: I SAID I WANTED MCDONALDS-
John: Yeah, and I bought you McDonalds-
Alex: I MEANT A BIG MAC OR SOMETHING?? NOT THE ENTIRE COMPANY?? JOHN WHAT IN THE W O R L D-

***

John: Ah yes, baguettes, the snakes of bread. We'll take two of your freshest yeasty eels good sir-
Baker: What-
Alex: Ignore him-

***

[teaching Philip life lessons]

John: If you see someone getting robbed, what's the correct course of action-
Philip: T-pose to assert dominance-
John: No-
Frances: Say "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to have" and then-
John, interrupting: Even worsE-
Angie, taking notes: Wait let her finish-

***

John: *wearing Alex's glasses* How do I look-
Philip: *wearing Alex's extra pair of glasses* Great! What about me-
Frances: Cool! I wanna try! *pulls on Alex's 2nd extra pair of glasses* Well?
Angie: *wearing Alex's 3rd pair of extra glasses* I think you all look stupid-
Koda: *wearing Alex's 4th extra pair of glasses* bOrK-
Timmy: Where are you getting these- Papa please tell them to stop-
Alex: Wh- wait- *puts on 5th extra pair of glasses* GUYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU'RE DAMAGING YOUR EYES-

***

Frances: Truth or dare?
Alex: Truth-
Frances: What's your credit card number?
Alex: Dare?
Frances: I dare you to tell me your credit card number-
Alex, chopping at air: That's not how it works!

***

Alex: I don't like english let's just use morse code from now on-
John: I had a spy phase when I was 11 so I'm down
Alex: Wh-
John: ._.._._.
Alex: What is that supposed to say-
John: abc
John: Look I didn't say I knew it well-

***

Alex: Are you two frying marbles?!
Philip: We're testing to see if the smoke detector works-
Frances: It doesn't-

***

John: I don't want Alex to know about this-
Eleanor: What'd you blow up this time-
John: The toaster. But he already knows about that-

***

Alex: How much do you know about ancient Eqypt-
John: Lots! Pyramids, pharaohs...
Alex: Yes, go on-
John: ...didn't they invent dogs or something-

***

John: You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal-
Alex:
John: That's the sound that my brain makes all the time-

***

Alex, walking into the living room at 7am: Good morning babe-
John, about to go to bed:  Morning?

***

John: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHO
John: Everyone get their shots it's flu season-

***

Alex, slightly concerned: When was the last time you slept-
John, holding his 6th cup of coffee: No-

***

John: Ooooh you had a crush on me?
John: That's embarrassing-
Alex: We're married-

***

[going out for the first time]

Alex: So uh, would you like to have dinner tonight?
John: I like to have dinner every night-

***

John: And that's pretty much the game. Any questions?
Philip: Who would win in a race between a snail and a worm-
John: No I meant- *sighs* the worm-
Philip: Yes! Worms rule!

***

John: I think I'm going to do a live scream tonight-
Alex: Isn't it called a live stream-
John: *inhales*

***

Alex: Where are your freckles??? Are you wearing makeup???
John: Huh- oh! My freckles just fade during winter, haha-
Alex: Hm...
Alex, punching the snow: Give them back. Give him back his FRECKLES-

***

John: The only two ways I can categorize height is if I see something tall I go "woah big boy man" and if I see something short I go "ha...baby man" and I don't know what to blame for this. Anyway wanna hear about the times ghosts have touched my butt-
Alex: ...sir this is a mcdonald's drive thru-

***

John: Hey I want to meet the pope someday, and I need to propose some ideas for the church, got anything?
Philip: Baptism water park!
Alex: Everyone gets a glass of wine instead of a sip, also wine is replaced with whiskey-
Frances: Extreme Confessions, you have to fight the priest in order to be forgiven, also buff Jesus-
Angie: Summoning Satan once daily to try and defeat him once and for all-

***

Alex: *cooking*
John: *crunch*
Alex, turning around: DON'T EAT THE PACKING PEANUTS-
John: >:3

***

Eliza: Uh, why is John like that-
John, wrapped in a blanket: *staring out the window and pouting*
Alex: Oh, I told him he'll actually have to talk to a few people at this party-
John: Life is meaningless suffering-
Alex: Come on babe you'll just have to talk to a few people!
John: I would rather die-

***

Alex: *sleeping with his head in John's lap*
John, mumbling: Dontdoitdontdoitdontdoit-
John: *slowly rolls Alex off the couch*
Alex, now awake: WHY-
John, crying: I don't kNoW-

***

John: Every time I see a cat and they look up at me I'm always like you have no idea....you think you're regular huh? Think you're normal? Well you're small and cute and silly. You have no idea-

***

Alex: I once told John that I could not physically stop eating peanut butter so he bought me the biggest jar available and an engraved spoon with "peanut butter babey" on it and to this day I've never felt more seen and appreciated-

***

Alex: Aw, they're reading!
Timmy, sitting next to Angie: W- wa-
Angie: Water, don't worry you're doing great-

***

John: True space facts: If you look up, there it is-

***

John: There's more pressure in my sinuses right now than at the bottom ocean. This thermos is full of NyQuil. I'm going to drink it while I work and when my coworkers are replaced with swirling rainbows I will go home-
Alex: Are you trying to fight god-

***

[online school]

Philip: My body may be in class but my soul is stuck in the Wii Sports universe-
John: Pip no-

***

Alex: *pronounces champagne like lasagna*
John: Do not-
Alex: *pronounces lasagna like champagne*
John: Do N O T-

***

John: There is a small ceramic frog where my brain should be-

***

Alex: All letters in my name are actually silent, it's pronounced like *gust of wind*
John: Are we talking a poetic autumn breeze or a fart here-
Alex: Depends on your accent-

***

John: My last brain cell is heart shaped!!
John: I may be a fool but damn am I full of love!!!

***

Alex, opening the bathroom door: WHAT THE-
John, emerging from the bubbles: Hi welcome to Bath and Bodyworks-
Alex: JOHN WHAT DID YOU DO-

***

John: *walking past a garage sale*
John: *sees a very cursed doll*
John, slamming open the door: Look what I bought!

***

John, trying to teach Koda and Kirby how to talk: Hewwow??? Hewwow?
Alex, from around the corner: *trying not to laugh*

***

Alex: When you lose a tooth, the tooth fairy leaves money under your pillow!
Angie, with pliers: I'm gonna take you to Hawaii!!!

***

John, turning on the light in Philip's room: Hey Pip I- WHAT IS GOING O N-
Philip, slurping loudly: Eating ramen-
John: OUT OF A WATERMELON? What ARE you a psychopath????

***

Alex: Babe why are you up-
John: Cause I'm making fish sticks-
Alex: Yeah why though-
John: Cause I'm making fish sticks-
Alex:
John: Want some?

***

[family group chat in a few years]

John, texting the group chat: :^)
John: nose
Alex: nose
Philip: Nose
Frances: Nose
Angie: What is wrong with all of you
John: :^)

***

Alex, picking up the phone: Wh-
John: ALEX ALEX OH MY GOD-
Alex, panicked: What? What happened?
John: I just found the biggest frog!!!!
Alex, rubbing his forehead: That's nice peaches, I'm going back to bed-

***

Philip, running out of his room at 6am: Guess who's ambidextrous now???
John: Is that what you did all night-
Philip: Guess who also has two hand cramps now????

***

Philip: What does BBQ stand for-
John, with a migraine: Please be quiet-
Philip: No that would be "🅱️lease be quiet"-

***

Alex: I didn't talk until I was two. My parents thought something was wrong but I just didn't want to talk. My first words were "I don't like baby food"-

***

John, making dinner for everyone: You put the peeps in the chili pot and then you add the M&Ms! You put the peeps in the chili pot and it makes it taste-
Alex, with food poisoning: B A D-

***

Alex: I have very keen powers of observation. For example, just by smelling your breath I can tell you've been eating...an entire tube of toothpaste???
John: It was so sparkly-

***

John, being dramatic: Peel me like a banana-
Alex: You're starting to concern me-

***

John, wearing sunglasses: How many hours did I sleep this week? Well...that just my little secret-
John: *falls over as soon as he tries to take a step*
Alex: Babe how many hours did you sleep-
John, muffled: Sometimes my eyes close when I yawn-

***

John: Hey I'm getting lunch at Subway, anyone want anything?
Philip: Yeah could I get white bread with just every sauce in it-
John: You disgust me, no you cannot have lunch-

***

Alex: I once fell down the stairs because I passed out midway through and woke up at the bottom-

***

Alex, yanking on John's legs desperately: g O  t O  s L e E p-
John, holding on to the doorframe: y O u  c A n ' T  m a K e  m E-

***